He won't take no for an answer

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
He won't take no for an answer
3
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 9:05pm

This is the first time I've posted but I need advice. I broke up with my boyfriend of 1/ 1/2 years two days ago. I know he is an alcoholic and I finally realized that I can't save him and he has to acknowledge that he has a problem. He was my soulmate and my best friend and I will always love him but sometimes that just isn't enough. When he would drink, he'd be funny and silly but then he'd hit a certain level and turn into someone I didn't even know. He'd accuse me of cheating on him while on travel for work, he even said I cheated on him with his brother while he his brother was visiting one day. Anyway, this is only part of the things he would do and I don't have any friends now because I isolated myself because my ex would say things about my friends talking about him.

We had broken up four months ago and I was ready to move on but a week later I found out I was a month pregnant. Well, this shook up my world as this is my first baby and I went through all kinds of emotions. To make a long story short, after a month long breakup, he moved back in and I was happy because I wanted him to be there during the pregnancy, birth, changing diapers...to be a dad. He had been doing fine for awhile then the drinking began to get worse and he lost his job. I looked up alcoholism on the internet and figured out I was an enabler to his addiction and I didn't want to bring up my baby in that kind of environment. I knew that it would be better to end things now as opposed to when the baby is here and he would have to help himself.

Anyway, he called last night devasted saying he was coming back and would be back in the morning. I told him that I was tired of being hurt over and over and he should go somewhere else. He just kept saying he would see me in the morning. I told him that he couldn't and I thought he understood that he had hurt me for the last time. This morning he left another message saying he was on his way and would be at my apartment. I ran some errands so that I wouldn't be here so I don't know if he showed up or not. Now, it's Friday night and stupid me is missing him and feeling guilty that I won't let him come back. What do I do? I installed and chain lock (he wouldn't give me my apt. keys back) but he could come in anytime I'm not here until the lock is changed. My landlord is changing the deadbolt next week but if he does show up, I don't know if I can stand my ground once he starts apologizing. I just don't know if I can put up with being lonely and pregnant since I have no friends and my family lives far away. Help! : (

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 12:43am
Hun, if nothing else, you have a baby to think about right now. That baby deserves better than a dad who drinks all the time and who is insecure. YOU deserve better. You'll miss him for awhile, that's for sure, and you'll always have a connection with him through your baby. But you need more than what he can offer. It's such a hard thing to do, especially being pregnant. Any chance that you could move back with your family? At least be closer to them? You need support from someone other than your ex....cause he can't even support himself right now. I'm not saying he will always be like this....but he needs to be clean for a long long LONG time before you can let him back into you life and the life of your child. It's up to him. Take care of yourself, and come back here as often as you need to.

HUGS

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 1:28am
I understand how hard this must be for you. I am fresh out of a 4yr relationship with a boyfriend with a serious drinking problem. After months of frustration at myself for not being able to "get through to him", I finally realized that the only person that can help him is him. Alcoholism is a disease that controls him. He will not be able to fix it himself without help. Don't waste time wondering why he couldn't change for you. I would suggest Alanon for you. They are for families and friends of alcoholics. Also, be clear with him about the reason that you will not be with him. Tell him that you will not be around the alcohol. He should know what the alcohol is really costing him. Someday when the price is to high he'll seek help. I know it hurts....but be strong for yourself and the baby. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 2:14am
I definitely know what you are going through! I've dated my b.f. for 3 1/2 years and we constantly fight over alcohol. I understand he is young and wants to have fun-but its to the point any time we fight he goes out and drinks. Sometimes I feel he wants to stay mad just so he can drink. I think he is more of a binge drinker.

I know you are going through a lot. First and foremost your baby should come first. You shouldn't get overly upset and stressed out. You don't want to run into complications. I understand it is hard to break up-trust me. I just broke up w/ my b.f. a week ago and he's beggin me back. Your b.f./ex whatever definitely needs help. (If its to the point where he got fired.) If you truly love him don't fight w/ yourself to not be w/ him. You should tell him you will only go back with him if he seeks counseling. If he has a hard time listening-you should write him a letter and tell him what you are feeling. (leave it outside your door) Some may say you need to let him fall. It is up to him to want to change himself. Does he drink by himself? Or goes to bars a lot? Maybe the baby will be a good thing and change him. Maybe not. The only thing I can say is if you truly love this man than help him. Make him go to counseling. I don't really know what else to say. I do know however how frustrating alcohol can be. I hardly drink- and my x wants to drink and it always causes a fight. He is hurting inside from a bad childhood and he's admitted trying to forget his problems. Instead of yelling at your man-sit down and have a serious talk w/ him. If he doesn't change steadily than you are wasting your time. You can find a guy who will love you and your baby and be a father figure. I do not believe anyone should try to stay w/ someone just because they have a baby. It'll only cause a bad relationship and the child will see. I hope things work out for you (& me too). I don't really know your situation but I hope I helped you out. This is my first time writing a message-I hope it gets to you.