Is he worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Is he worth it?
4
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:44pm
Hi Ladies! I'm new to this site, but can't wait for the advice to come rolling in. Just over a week ago, my fiance broke up with me. About a month ago he started a new job and I became suspicious right away about some of his female co-workers. He would come home and tell me about what these women had said to him. It made me mad, but we both agreed it was best that he was filling me in on the situation. And to be honest, I don't think he ever cheated on me. He would come home every night right after work, and spent his evenings with me. But I still couldn't get over the worry that I was carrying around in the pit of my stomach. My previous ex had done something similar to me, so it all seemed to fit. During this month, we were in the midst of planning for our wedding. I had to put a deposit down on a hall, but asked him a bunch of times if he was ready, because if not I wouldn't have held the hall. He continued to say that he loved me and only me and wanted to marry me and no one else. So, the deposit went down on the hall, and he seemed to be making more of an effort to be close to me. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and he took me shopping, out for dinner and even bought me a cellphone, making the last four digits the date of our wedding. How sweet right? Too bad five days later he came home from work and told me that he didn't think he wanted to marry me. He said it didn't mean we had to break up, but that I had always said that relationships shouldn't continue if neither person wants to marry the other. Fair enough, but I wanted to marry him and thought he wanted to marry me. Different situation. So of course I freak out and start crying. I called him a liar and challenged him to why he felt he had to do this. The two of us have always said that we would work anything out before ever breaking up. But his response was that he just had this feeling that it wasn't right. He said there was no one else and that he still loved me, but maybe not the way one should when there to be married. He said he felt horrible for hurting me and would do whatever he could to make this easier on me. He said we were good, but not great. He wants great. For a couple days, we didn't talk. I ended up speaking to him on the phone and he said things like we never know what will happen in the future and that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants or feels exactly. He said he wants me to not be so depressed (I suffer from chronic anxiety) and that he's really impressed at how well I'm dealing with this whole thing. (I've done this before though, so I know the routine.) So he's moved back in to his parents house, and me with mine. But now we have an empty apartment that eventually needs to be cleared out. I called him and left a couple messages with him mom and dad asking if he could call me back so we could see about him helping me sort through everything and so that he maybe could also visit with our dog (who I got to keep atleast). But, no call back. It's starting to look like, "Mr. call me when ever you need to" isn't keeping his word. I don't know why he hasn't called back, but my guess is he's either playing games, or he is indeed with the female co-worker I feel had a thing for him. I'd like to feel that he's a good man and just needs some time. Maybe he got cold feet or maybe he just started to doubt himself. I don't know. My gut is telling me that he's only maybe turned to his co-workers for support, that's all. And that he really does still love me, he just wants me to be sure he's want I really want. I just want him to give us another shot. I don't mean I want to jump back on the wedding wagon, or move back into our place...but I don't want to lose him. Any of my doubts about us in past months were always washed away by my commitment and always growing love for him. Does anyone have any idea what I can do or say to make him reconsider? Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 5:50pm

He broke up with you.

Although I know you're hurting, miss and want him back, I think you should just let go and move on with your life. You deserve to be with a man who will love and be so into you that he will TURN A DEAF EAR and a BLIND EYE to the attention of other females, including co-workers -- or at the very least, decide to spare you the discomfort of having to hear about their comments to him. Conversely, I don't know any man alive on the planet who wants to hear about how other guys are coming on to the woman he loves. So for him to sit up and tell you about how other women are making comments and trying to talk to him is a bunch of crap. Like I said, you deserve better!

That's just my two pesos...

All the best,
Heymum

Avatar for marichiko
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 10:31pm

This is NOT what you want to hear, but, believe me, I am trying to spare you long term pain.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 2:53am

although not exactly the same - i can completely relate to your situation...

my ex and i broke up about a month ago, and he too gave me wishy-washy explanations, avoided giving me my stuff back, left me lingering in hope, etc. the grounds on which my ex and i broke up on are quite confusing, and like you - i hold onto this and that and yet feel completely lost.

but heres the thing - regardless of the reasons why your ex is parting from you, regardless of what he is doing now, and irregardless of what the future may hold - you must focus on the situation at hand - and in our cases, its simply that "hes NOT with me."

my ex seems to have a multitude of emotional issues that is apparently restraining him from pursuing a relationship with me, and theres this gut wrenching feeling of mine that just screams of how im meant to be with him - ... but it all doesnt matter what, who, when, where - .. at the end of the day, ITS OVER - and thats really all that matters.

i know this is not something you want to hear, and every fibre of you wants to scream No! and you sit there in shock, denial, sadness and anger...but honestly hun, dealing with it as its over now - will be much better for you in the long run...

this is the second time that my ex and i have broken up, and after last years horrendous episode - i learnt that hope in our situations does nothing but drag us down. i compare it to that of a life jacket - hope keeps us afloat in our sea of tears, but in the end gets us no where .. it is not until we shed that hope and begin the gruelling swim will we ever reach land again.

the torment of it will kick in (and it really is TORMENT).. as you can see in some of my other posts, its a verrryy painful process. but really, youre better off trying to get through it than avoiding it because running away never actually makes it dissapear but instead just delays the whole process.

id recommend you take action into your own hands and divide up your belongings and take everything back. like the other suggested, donate the rest to goodwill! doing that is going to hurt like hell, but - like taking off a bandage, sometimes we gotta let'er rip!

for whatever reason it is, your ex is not with you now. maybe hes with someone else, maybe he just doesnt love you enough, maybe hes a commitment phobe...and you can sit here and analyze it to death (and you will) - but at the end of the day, none of that matters because still, you are not with him...

but maybe hes done a favour for you?? i mean, why would you even want to say i do to a man whose not sure about being with you??

id highly recommend you write in a journal, vent here on the board, excercise, listen to upbeat music, go shopping, cry to friends...

(((HUGS)))
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:16pm
Moonflower,
my heart goes out to you. My fiance broke up with me in January, and I am still trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Like your ex, mine continued to tell me that he loved me, that there was no one else, that he didn't want to hurt me even as he was breaking it off. At one point I even asked him straight out- "are you breaking our engagement?" He said "no, how could you say that!?" only to tell me the next day that he wanted us to go our seperate ways. Like your ex, he also gave me the line about being confused, and when I spoke with him a month or so later, tried to pat me on the back with compliments about how well I was taking it.
*sigh* I know how hard this is for you, because you think you're moving on to the next level of your relationship. Planning your wedding. Planning your life. A picture was forming of what your life with him was going to be, and then he destroyed it and not even with a good reason.
The thing is, there isn't a good reason. I don't think you should focus on trying to make him reconsider. To paraphrase another post, how could you even marry him now after he asked you to marry him and then changed his mind? For me I look at it as an issue of dignity and respect. To make that type of committment to someone and then take it back is reprehensible. And the utmost of disrespect to you as a woman and a human being.
You said your gut is telling you he really still loves you he just wants you to be sure that he's what you want. Don't make this situation harder for yourself by taking on the responsibility for what's wrong. Of course you're sure he's what you want. YOU didn't break the engagement. He did. He's the one that's unsure, confused, etc.
It's been four months and I still wait every day for my exfiance to call and say that he misses me, realized he made a horrible mistake, I am still the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and all that jazz. But then I remind myself of what he said to me: "getting engaged was the right thing to do at the time, but I don't feel the same way about you anymore." And I try to remind myself that some things you just can't go back on. Some hurts are so deep that even if you want to give him another chance, ask yourself, how would you feel about yourself if you did after what he did to you? Please think of your own self-respect before you try to get him to "reconsider". I know it's hard as hell to fight that urge, but you'll (eventually) feel better about yourself if you do.
-belcanto