healing process interrupted

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
healing process interrupted
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 12:24pm


my boyfriend of one year broke up with me a little over a week ago.

he endet it over fb.

We argued over nothing and it escalated. It was stupid.

But he insists that it is over now.

 He said I shall respect him and his wish to be alone.

He said that he does not want to be with me anymore.

It hurts but I accepted it. There is no point in arguing when one person says it is over.  

So I accept it and deal with it myself now.

I have started to go out again, to get in touch with my old friends, and finally I started the healing process.


2 nights ago a guy called me up who I have not seen in 2 years. This man is 20 years older than me.

I met this guy maybe 4 times in my whole life.

The first time I saw him at a party 5 years ago, a couple days later I ended up at his apartment, we did spend the night together intimately. the next day i found out he had a girlfriend. i told him to get lost and cut contact with him.

 years later i met him again at another party with friends. he told me he had split with his girlfriend. the same thing happened like last time, only this time i was not disappointed, i did not expect much of him. yet he got really angry when i told him he shall keep his distance and i contact him whenever I want, not the other way around.  I never contacted him ever again.  I did not like him enough to continue seeing him.

2 nights ago he suddenly called me out of the blue and  said he wants to meet with me, I said no.

I told him I want my peace.


he said he wants to be friends only and asked me out for a drink.

I agreed because I felt like going out for a drink.

the night was a nightmare!

at first he was nice and asked a lot of questions about me and my life. he was really keen on finding out why my boyfriend and I broke up.

I did not tell him . it is none of his business. i just wanted to go out for drink, not spill my whole life to this person.

after one beer he got freaky.

 he insisted we would had a 'relationship' because  we spend 2 nights together in 5 years. Duhh.. I do not call talking/seeing each other 4 times in 5 years a ‘relationship’.

he insisted that my life would be " miserable and sad, and that I am a sad, miserable person. “ and that “there is something wrong with me that can not keep a relationship " (did i mention he cheated on his long-term relationship and lied to me he was single when he was not ;)) . i told him to get lost.

 And I want to leave that place.

Than he got really  sad and whiny, he was kind again, he apologized and begged me to stay.

I stayed just so he would shut up!

he began to jell at the waitress for no reason, and he ordered her around 5 times for no reason . he jelled at a guy that opened a pack of chips, just because he did not like that guy. - not kidding!

I might add that this guy is superrich and used to getting almost everything he wants. He creeps me out!

he has no internal correction system for his moods. he just lets out things as they come up.

he took my hand and placed it on his aroused aeh.. thing.. and said: “here is a compliment to you. you can still easily arouse me.”

I took my hand of FAST, I did not slap him because I was too stunned anyone would do such a thing.

I wanted to leave again but he went all sad and creep again! horrible..

I mean: this guy is 50, not 20!! wtf is wrong with this person? he has no family, no real friends, never had a  job(he lives off the money of his wealthy family) .. he creeps me out!

I just accepted one short drink with him that was all.

I just came out of a break up. I do not want to touch another man! I do not want to be touched. I do not want to be near anyone! I want my peace. This guy has no respect for that. And he has no respect for me.

he creeps me out!

when i told him i was just going through a break up and it has not even been one week, and I am mourning, he asked me “if I was  really so stupid to believe I could have kept a young man at my side?” and that "I am  too old for him as well. "(he is 20 years older than me!). he also said that " I was sto stupid to waste a whole year on a younger guy". and that " I have 5 years left until i am not beautiful anymore". and that " time works against me. while he will always be attractive." and that " i am pathetic because i seriously believed my ex when he said he loved me, i should have known this guy only wanted sex." uffff.....   I did not even answer any of that!!

this guy does not know  me (i met him 4 tiems in my life!) he does not know my ex(he has never met him!), he knows nothing about our relationship (ony that it is over, but not why). and nobody has the right to speak to me or about me, or about my ex, or about my relationship,  in the demeaning  way he did!

he can say my ex is an idiot to break up with me (some of my ex's friends say that) -- agreed. but my ex was neither only looking for sex, nor was it my last chance for a relationship in my whole life, nor am I turning ugly now!-. I am in my early 30's, is that old and ugly ??  in fact, this guy is old and ugly.!

I told him he is too old for me and that I want to leave. But he did not let me leave.

again he apologized and begged me not to cut contact with him again.

I had a really, really, really  hard time getting rid of him!


finally I got rid of him. I was really happy when I was home alone!

And exhausted!


Before I left he asked me to meet again soon, I said no and he got so pushy. so I said ok just so I could LEAVE.

So finally I called him up to tell him  on the phone that I do not want to see him again because we do not click and I need time for myself.

he went psycho !

he threatened to do something to me if  cut contact with him. He said he would burn me down.

I told him I call the police on him if he ever got close to me or any place where i am at!

Than I called my friends that know him and told them what happened and that this guy threatens me.

They said they know he is sick, but he is not going to harm me according to them, they said it is his  way of 'flirting' with a woman.. , still they will tell him to back off from me!!

I have deleted this person on fb and blocked him. I found out he has over 50 different fb accounts under his name- ugggh!!... he contacted me at different times from different accounts over the last 5 years. Jesus!...  he scares me.


now I am dealing with the aftermath of this evening.


the one thing he actually did to me, is that he made me miss my ex badly!

my ex was (is) a good guy, he would never behave like this idiot!

and I kind of realised after this evening how lucky I was to have had my ex :(…

I realised how privileged I had been to have had such a good guy,- only up to 2 weeks ago.:((

I started missing my ex badly!

I felt sick in my stomach that I have lost my nice boyfriend :(.

And I felt like thworing up when i thought  that my ex had chosen to dump me because I had not been as nice to him as I should have been, i.e. as he would have deserved it!

I was on the road to healing ovwer the break up , but after this evening with this freak I suffered really badly over the break up again. . more than before..

that night out was a nightmare night to me..


I am actually scared of that older guy :(.

And I am completely exhausted after that meeting with him… :(..

I think that was a step back in the healing process!

It makes me think I am not ready to even have a drink with anybody anymore.


I would appreciate any postive feedback please.

and please do not tell me (like this guy did) that i am "too old" to find love/i.e. have a family/i.e. get a guy my age/ever be married.... I am in my early 30's. I actually never thought I am TOO old to get married/have kids/have a family or such.. I thought I was in the right age. . :(

and now all I get to hear is that I 'missed' my chances and I am ugly and old and nobody wants to be with me. outch...

i know it is a bunch of bs!

and on my way home a nice guy my age chatted me up... so i can not be *that* bad ;)

but i would really really like some positive feedback.

this break up is hard enough as it is :(



ps: eventually I will have to talk to my ex in person. We agreed to sit down in person and to end it face to face , rather than over facebook. I think that is the way to go.

but I am not ready to see my ex now.

I do not want to see him right now.

I want to heal before i do anything else..

i am not even angry with my ex  or this older guy or anyone, i just want my peace...

it is all just too much for me right now :((


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:25pm

That must have been a horrible night.  I really hope you have prevented this creepy old guy from contacting you ever again--and if he does, definitely call the police.  Of course you're not too old to find another BF & get married--what kind of talk is that?  Plenty of people get married in their 30's and much older.  He just got you rattled.

Do you think it's good to meet your BF and talk if he has definitely broken up with you?  I don't know what that would accomplish except to make you feel worse.  You could apologize to him via email and say that you realize that you treated him badly but that if he's definitely sure that he wants to break up, you don't see any point in meeting.  It was very cowardly to break up on FB but if you were in the middle of an argument, maybe he just lashed out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 5:44pm

hi musiclover, 

thank you. 

yes, i have made sure this old creep is not coming around and i would call the police if he ever showed up close to me anywhere.

thank you.

yes, this old creep was trying to play headgames and it stressed me out :(

but he did not get me to be intimate with him- which was his goal i guess from the way he behaved!

hmm.. i do not know about meeting my ex. 

at first we both said it is a good idea, because one shall break up in person.

as it is right now. i do not want to see him right now.

he texted a week ago that he wants to come to my house to pick up his stuff. i said no. 

than he called me and apologized for the fb thing. it was a strange phonecall- very stressful!

we agreed to continue our talk some other time because it was too stressful.

he was very confused. 

he said he has feelings for me but he is so confused, it was all very strange and stressful.

i do think i need to talk to him once more, if only to make sure he knows i am not incapable of living without him.  at this point i am not sure where we will go. 

i am healing and my life is fuller today than it was with him- i am sad to say. but that is really the way it is.

yes, he completely over reacted. but that also broke my trust to him.

so i am not sure how i would treat him today.

i will cool down and than decide how i continue. 

i have appologized to him but he was very arrogant about it and sure he does not need to forgive me. 

so what can i say? 

i am not going to give up on my plans to have a family. 

and if it is not with this man , than i will do it with someone else. that is just life.

i know i have made him angry, but that was no reason to break up. and to break up over fb is very childish.

i need to find out if he is the right one for me still.

until lately i was sure about this. since this fb thing i am not sure anymore.

i will meet him when i know what i want. 

at my terms or not at all.  i will decide that when the time is right. 

for now i need to concentrate on myself.

i need to accept that it is over so i can move on with my life.

i do not call him, i do not write him. 

i need my peace and space now.. 

if he wants something from me he can contact me.

if not i am not going to do take any action after the way he behaved with me.

as for ending it in person: we will do that, i just can not say when.

it has just been a week by now. so i need some peace and space now... 

i need to find out what i feel and think and what is inside my heart, mind and soul. 

one year it has all been about this man. 

now i am slowly coming back to myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 1:47am
hi. i would like to reach out to him and talk to him, specially since he and i have not spoken face to face about it ever since he so cowardly ended it per fb! . we have not seen each other since3 weeks and the last time we saw each other he was still all over me telling me he would never leave me and loves me to death.... of course i want to speak to him in person, specially after a one year relationship but it is said that he shall be the one to make first contact since he is the one that broke up. we have not spoken, texted or emailed in almost 2 weeks. This is the time we said we would continue our talk on the phone and arrange a meeting. i am going to a big party tonight. i will have fun. i am getting used to being single again. should i wait for him to contact me ? or shall i initiate the TALK we said we will have in person . honestly , I don’t want to force him back, at this moment I don’t want him back the way he has behaved with me, but I do want to see his face and I want to hear him say the things he has to say in my face. This coward behavior of breaking up per fb is what makes me sick. What do you think? Shall I call, text and ask what about our meeting and our talk now? I am ready for it. And I am strong enough to face him . I am not going to attack him , I just want to hear him say this in my face. And what is the best way to talk to him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 1:49am
i would be thankful you for any advice! .... :((