To Hear Him Say He Loves Me Again....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
To Hear Him Say He Loves Me Again....
4
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:03am

I posted this on another board trying to get some male input...

(this is going to be a long one and no spelling or grammer check!)

I've been with this man for going on 7 years. I'm not sure how the talk started but marriage came up. We had been engaged for three years. He proposed on our first night in the house we bought together. He told me he just wasn't ready to be married. (He's 24 I'm 28) I said that was fine if that's the way he felt, our lives seemed to be going great just as is. He recently got a new job traveling all over the US in the computer industry and I thought that was taking its toll on him being away from home so much. He then broke out the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. Of course I was devastated. He went on about how I had let my body go( He's gained 50 lbs as well), how he was the main focus in my life and I hadn't gone back to school or looked for a better job for myself. I said all of those things were things I could work on, that we could work through things together. I told him how I supported him through his education and bad jobs to get him to this point and now it was his turn to support me in my endeavors. He acknowledged that he wouldn't have all he has without me. We agreed to make our changes together as I listed some things he could change for the better as well.

Well two weeks later when he had left for another trip I found a picture of a girl from the waist up topless on our computer. When he called from the airport I confronted him about it and he said he wanted to talk about it when he returned home face to face. When he got home that Thursday he gave me the detail on who she was -a girl who he met through a special interest group that meets once a month (she lives hours away). That he had never engaged in anything with her in person and that he had sent pictures on himself to her as well. He had begun to talk to her about our problem months ago and one thing led to another with their online relationship. He said that she felt badly about her part in all of this. She was just a sexual outlet for him because I 'just didn't do it for him' anymore and he didn't want to hurt me. In the beginning of our relationship he wasn't that into sex, he didn't have a high sex drive so I just got used to us not having sex that often. I told him that if this was going to work that he was no longer to speak to her or go to the group meetings. He agreed to that. The next day we had another similar talk and everything seemed to be going well until he brought up the subject of children. He stated that he didn't want kids at all. Of course he knows that kids are extremely important to me. I knew I couldn't try to keep someone with me when they were trying so hard to leave, so I let him go.

We were in touch over the next few weeks off and on for him to collect his things and about splitting our joint bills and accounts. On Mothers Day he came over to pick up more of his things and my father showed up. Now my parents were angry but understanding of his feelings -odd I know but they had treated him like a son from day one. My father had a short talk with him about his obligations to me as far as joint loans and things were concerned. The ex got defensive stating that of course my father was on my side but there was no one sitting next to him there on his side. My father stopped him saying that he (my father) had always been on his side and had always been there to support and guide him since they had known each other. After my father left the ex began to cry, saying that he wanted to go back to months ago when everything was easier, that he was sorry. I told him that he had to make this 'mistake' to realize some things in his life. I told him he needed therapy and that he couldn't just move back in as that would just put us right back to where our problems were. We both agreed we wanted to work on us but first we needed to work on ourselves. I told him I couldn't wait for him to figure himself out just to find out he still doesn't want to be with me. We kissed for the first time again in a while and he held me for a very long time.

We've been talking almost daily since then. 90% of the conversations are initiated by him by email or text message. We've had dinner together have gone out for coffee. The conversations are still the same but the interaction is different and goodbyes are awkward. I'm not sure how to classify our current status. I want to kiss him but I want him to want to kiss me and to tell me he loves me. These past few weeks he's been having a really rough time at work and has been sick. He called me Sunday night miserable and as he was on the verge of tears I told him I loved him still. He told me he loved me as well and broke down crying. I told him he didn't have to say it to me unless he really meant it and between sobs he said he really did. He was home sick yesterday so I went to his place with soup. As we both sat eating we had our feet entwined under the table and he didn't move away when his roommate came into the room to watch TV with us. I left a little before 11pm and he hugged me and really held me close pressing his face against my shoulder. I hugged him back and kissed his neck before I left. I really wanted him to kiss my lips but he didn't. He didn’t tell me he loved me, but I didn't say it either. I want him to be the one to say it first next time since it was he who said he fell out of love.

I know getting our relationship back will take time but I'm not sure where his head is. I'm not sure if these are mixed messages or just the way things are between us now. He used to tell me he loved me all the time. If he was able to say it that one time why can't he say it again? I'm not even sure if he's still talking to that other girl. I feel like sometimes since we're not in a committed relationship I have no right asking about his personal life. I'm not sure if it's better to continue to be the friend he needs or not speak to him at all and let him figure it out alone. He's not one to talk about his emotion which is why I suggested therapy. He's not been able to go as of yet due to his work schedule. I don't know if I should tell him how I feel when he starts his therapy or now. I'm trying to give him his space but I want him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 10:53am

There's a lot going on in your post and I will tell you right now you will get a bunch of responses saying, "Once a cheater, blah blah blah."

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:18am

Maybe I missed it in the last part of your post, but the cheating issue aside, isn't there also the (huge) issue of him not wanting to have kids and you do? Playing footsie under the table isn't going to change the fact that you are worlds apart on that issue.

I think it doesn't make sense to be seeing him unless he gets to the point of changing his mind about that, or you do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:24am
That was a question on the other board as well...
The background to that is he has a very much younger and incredibly annoying brother. He and his brother both were/ are being raised by his paternal grandparents as his father (who was adopted) was into drugs and alcohol. The Ex's mother disappeared 20 years ago. Since his brother (by another mother) came into his life when the ex was 12 he's viewed kids as disruptive and needy. Not all his brother's problems are his own fault. His grandparents are indulgent with him due to their age which makes him less disciplined etc.

On our Mother's day conversation I brought up that this may be his issue with children as he adores my cousins daughter and has had no problems interacting with other children in my family. I think he views children he's directly responsible for as a burden just as he views his own brother as a burden to his grandparents. He agreed to discuss this as a part of his therapy and as a condition of our continued relationship.

In the past in our relationship he's made comments such as "When we have kids....." "Our kids won't watch barney...." "We'll name our first boy this..." So I don't know if he said I don't want kids with 100% conviction or if he just said that knowing how important family is to me as an out. Make sense?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:37am

Ok, then my advice stands--break things off until he can say truthfully that he is completely open to having kids. And if and when that happens, THEN I'd also want to be sure that he'd done the work to change the values that allowed him to think that doing what he did with that other woman was an acceptable alternative to actually *dealing* with the issues the two of you were having. On some level, he obviously thought it was ok (rationalized it) since he did it.

FWIW, I think him saying he doesn't want to have kids in a serious discussion with you is a much truer indication of his feelings than random comments about the future.

Sheri