Heart is Broken :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Heart is Broken :(
7
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:06pm
Hi everyone. I've been posting on the Domestic Abuse boards for about a month now. It's now time to move over to this board. I guess I should be happy to be moving to this board, but unbelievable, I still love my husband, who cannot possibly love me anymore.

I'll try to give you the condensed version of my story.

I've been married a little under a year (anniversary is Nov. 26) and me and my husband have had a pretty decent relationship. Unfortunately, he has an anger problem and can be very verbally and emotionally abusive. He got much worse after we married. In July he came home one day and decided he wanted me out of "our" house - NOW. He didn't want to be married to me (we had had an argument - nothing serious - I thought) and he came home and said if I didn't get out, he'd call the police on me, which he did. I did NOTHING to deserve this AT ALL. No screaming, yelling. I was upstairs by myself when he did this. As a matter of fact,the cops made HIM leave. Anyways, he never did put the house in my name too, as promised.

Well, about three weeks ago he started getting really nasty and angry with me all the time over very small things. Then he moved his paycheck to his own checking account because I messed up a few bills on our checking account. I did apologize for messing up the bills. When i tried to sit down and talk to him about why he moved his money away to another account, he got enraged and started yelling at me and said that's just the way it was I'd have to live with it and if I didn't like it "Fu** off Bit**!" His words exactly. I told him I didn't appreciate being called names like that, especially by my husband. He yelled more, then he yelled more and more and said horrible things to me. Then he moved down to the basement and has been there for about a week. The only time he would speak to me is to Instant Message me during the day. I thought to myself after a week of this that the punishment I was receiving was much worse than the crime of wanting to discuss the finaces. I was astonished that this happened because of such a small offence. Tonight, I walked downstairs and tried to speak to him very nicely, calmly, non-confrontational, and he started screaming saying all this stuff that didn't make sense to me (I didn't trust him, etc. - don't know why??). Then he said "Being married to you sometimes makes me want to put a bullet to my head." I was stunned. All of THIS because I disagreed that he took his paycheck and moved it to his own account?? Then more screaming and "Leave me alone! Get out!" stuff like that. I am completely perplexed and this isn't the first time he's had an outburst over the tiniest of things that I have done.

I am sad and heartbroken to the core. I feel my life has just gone down the tiolet. Even though this man was so verbally abusive to me, I still love him and feel lost and lonely. Unfortunately, I'm still in the house because I haven't saved money yet to move. But I'm researching apartments at the present time. This is so hard and I just cannot figure out why this has happened. I don't think there's anyone else? I'm a good hearted person that doesn't get mad and I'm pretty laid back and help other people all the time. I just don't know. Any insight would be helpful, these boards are great, and thank you so much for listening.

catlover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:46pm
welcome to the board!! I'm so sorry it to so long to get a response.....I think it got a little lost but this should bump it up and hopefully get you some more insightful answers!!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this I know that it must be very hard to deal with. It's probably for the best that he's moved down to the basement....just try to keep your distance from him since he obviously isn't going to be civil. He's gotten away with be abusive this long and so it's natural for him to keep getting worse. I don't think it's anything you've really done....it's just how he is and he isn't going to change until he wants to...which may never happen. I think you should continue to save up money and look for an apartment. Maybe look and see if there is either a organizatoin in your area that helps battered and abused women get out....they may be able to help you find a home or if there is income based apartments in your area. Good luck and keep us posted!!!












Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:40am
My heart is broken and i am in tears because i actually feel your pain i am going well i should say i was going thru something similar altho i wasnt married thank god my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs did the same to me...he called all names in the book and made me feel lower than dirt now im bouncing back i am actually moving out of this apt we shared on sunday i stayed here almost 2 months after breaking up because i was financially stressed...

It is very hard because u feel like you have no way out but you do call places i did, find someone an agency or someone to help you...but you need to get out he might change or he might not but dont wait around for that to happen is not healthy for you to stay there....i tell you my stomach was in knots everyday all day because i didnt know how he was going to react to things i am so glad i am out of that relationship and i know it hurts and you love him but you have to let go if you love yourself and you should love yourself more than you love him otherwise how can you love someone else and since you are first you have to go, as much as it hurts and i kno everyone will tell you this but is true you will get over it and it will all be a memory you are going to wonder why did i even mourn this relationship if it wasnt healthy you might not see it now but take it from someone that just went thru it a month ago you will move on and you will feel better that you dont have to answer to someone so disrespectful...

Believe me i feel so free now i can do what i want with my money go where i want to go i have the whole bed to myself im loving it..it will get better...take care of yourself drink plenty of water take your vitamins go for a walk eat healthy and you will feel like a million bucks my mama told me that and is true...DO YOU!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 3:40pm
Thanks, I really appreciate the kind words. It's so hard, even though he's abusive. I constantly ask myself why do I want to say here with someone who treats me so badly? Maybe it's separation anxiety. These games he plays with me are horrible and no matter what I say he yells and screams at me. :(

catlover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 3:47pm
prtoricanqueen,

Wow your situation sounds a lot like mine, barring the fact I'm married to my jerk. My stomach has been in knots too and I feel so sad sometimes, and strong at other times. I wish I could just move forward easily and forget about him. I mean, he was so AWFUL to me, a third party looking in would wonder why I still love him. The cussing and blaming and yelling was horrendous! And i never cussed back to prove that you can disagree without being hurtful and disrespectful, but what do I get now? Nothing. My husband doesn't even want to see my face. I only hope that one day he'll wake up and I'll be gone and he'll say to himself "What have I done here?" I tried a few times to apologize, even though I didn't feel I needed to, I did anyways to try to save our marriage, but he just screamed at me again. It's so horrible.

I do need to eat, I've been living on oatmeal the past week. You sound so positive after just one month. Good for you! That's so awesome. You sound like you are moving on well, but I know you probably get sad and lonely too. I wish you the best of luck and thank you again for the encouraging words!

catlover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 6:39pm
Don't beat yourself up over this....I think what you're feeling is normal. Nobody expects you to just quit loving your husband. I know this is hard and we're here to help as best we can. Good luck!! (((Hugs)))











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 2:06am
I read your message tonight and I feel like I can totally relate. I logged on tonight because I have been feeling sad all day about the breakup of my relationship w/my bf (he broke up w/me). Reading your post reminded me of some of the things I hated about him. The way he treated me, the way he talked down to me, cussed me out for no reason, got mad at the tiniest things, etc. Then why on earth am I sitting here feeling sad and depressed about this? I should be glad, he did me a favor by leaving me first. But no, I guess I am one of those women who feels desperate and just puts up with crap because I don't have the self respect to realize I can do better.
I really feel for you because I have been there. We lived together and he eventually moved to the couch. I kept pleading with him to come back and in the meantime just felt so worthless because I couldnt understand why he was just SO mad and treated me SO bad when I had done nothing wrong. Yet I still loved him and wanted him more than ever.
I still can't figure that out to this day. We've been apart now for almost a year and I am still crying over him and have fantasies in my mind about getting back together.
Of course he is so totally over me and moved on and it just kills me. UG.
I'm sorry this got so long but I am just heartbroken and it is over someone who I know in my head is not even worth it. Unfortunately my heart doesnt seem to get the message.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 1:46pm

I just happened to read this string of posts and wanted to put in my thoughts. I too was in a relationship with a guy who started being verbally abusive and having totally unprovoked angry outbursts about five months into the relationship. Prior to that he had been supportive and kind and affectionate, so you can guess I was really shocked when suddenly during an innocuous conversation one day he erupted into rage! I just wanted to say that it DOES take your heart a while to catch up with your head. It took me more than four months to get out of my relationship, enduring several episodes of him being very verbally abusive, including one where he threatened suicide. To add to all this, I am a certified domestic violence counselor! I was just so shocked that this was happening to me, it was like it didn't fully register. Five months after breaking up with him (he begged me not to, of course), I look back and I'm still amazed that I stuck with him for one second after the first incident of verbal abuse. But I think we should all not beat ourselves up, because when you have feelings of love for someone, it is very confusing when that person starts treating you terribly.

But I think if someone is abusive in ANY way, verbally or otherwise, you MUST show him the door. Certain problems can be worked through in a relationship, but with an abusive person, that person is so seriously disturbed that he (or she) will need intense, longterm therapy before being able to participate in a healthy relationship. Which is what I told my ex. Abuse should be one of those "dealbreakers," for all of us. In your case, catlover, I think you're right to be searching for apartments. It's not your fault; you didn't know he was this way when you married him. I would get far away from that man, giving yourself a reality check at the same time you accept that you still (understandably) have feelings for him.

I couldn't help noticing your name: catlover. I'm one too, and guess what -- my cat couldn't stand my ex! When he came over, she growled and hissed at him, and took to hanging out in the cupboard above the refrigerator (which she never did when he wasn't there). I'm so glad both she and I are rid of him!

best of wishes to all,

toriphile