HEartbreak advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
HEartbreak advice
7
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:01pm
In fall last year, I asked for a divorce from my husband of 15 years due to some physical abuse in the past and his straying. At that time, I told some friends at work and also a male co-worker who himself was recently divorced. I had known him in the last few years and had a secret crush on him but never told anyone. Before I even told my ex, when I had made the decision, this co-worker told me he had a crush on me. From then on, we developed a relationship very quickly and became intimate even before my ex left the house. He even gave me a ring sttaing it represented life, etc.
I was attracted towards this guy because of his faith, his talk about right and wrong, being honorable, etc. HE alluded to being together for the rest of our lives, true love and soul mates, meeting his mom, children (which we did), etc. We are of different faiths, different cultures and talked often about this but I never thought it was a big deal. He was very seductive and said all the things I wanted to hear, always saying we are very alike.
A few days after the second time we became intimate, suddenly, he told me he cannot be intimate, does not want a relationship or commitment. I was heart broken. A few days later he told me he never wanted to break up, but we should date which we did.
Next month, he told me it is all or nothing and he cannot date me, so we should be friends. I was hoplessly in love with him and agreed just to be with him, hoping he would change. We began to spend a lot of time together. People at work knew. I even helped him move, helped choose his home stuff, etc. We were not intimate again though we kissed a few times but that too he stopped in December though kept calling me, hugging me, etc.
In Jan one day, again suddenly, after he attended his Bible study group, he told me he cannot have me in his life as his mate because we are of different faiths.HE told me I was a predetaor, waiting for him to make a move to slip up. He denied ever saying or making any commitments and was cruel and harsh. My heart hurt like nothing else.My broken hear broke again.
I have been having a very difficult time letting go. I have been calling him off and on and even loaned him my car because he stated he lost his car due to a bankruptcy and losing a letter of reaffirmation. At work people told me he has done the same to 3 other women, especially one a victim of a crime, borderline developmentally delayed and a trainee and another lady. His wife left him because of the first incident though the rest also occured during his 10 year marriage.
In retrospect I know I was blinded by my need, left one abusive relationship for another and set myself up for more pain. I needed to learn a lesson so God sent another user and abuser. My question, when does this hurting end and will I ever get over this. Are there truly men as horrible like this out there, using and hurting women? Will this ever end? Why am I still in love with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:16pm
First Welcome - Second, I'mm sorry you've been so HURT. I have to say this though. I can't say you don't "love" him, but I do believe what amplified it was that you needed someone at a very difficult time and he was there. But I can say this, from what I have read - you need to pack it in & move forward. For your own good he sounds like TROUBLE and how ridiculous is he to sleep with you, and say those things then take it back - and say its religious beliefs. If that is the case , how could he have an affair with YOU! I think he is full of BS. I know it's tough to hear - I love a man who isn't all THAT either BUT, this man sounds messed up in the head!!With his history, finances, the crap about religion etc and being of different faiths? He can sleep with you having different beliefs but can't make an honest woman out of you someday because of it? Hmmm... Please look for other outlets like friends to support you & keep busy. He sounds destructive for you - stay away & keep on walking- don't let anyone abuse you physcially, mentally or emotionally! Work a differnt shift or change desks or something - AVOID HIM> its best for YOU! HUGS, Sweetie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:06am

You might want to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:13pm

Welcome to the baord, sdaya - everyone has give you some good advice. I second the two book recommendations.


Sdaya, he was the predator not you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:56pm

sdayal37,


While I agree that he was preying on your vulenrable state, I think that you also have to take responsibility for what's happened in your life as well, otherwise, you will keep repeating the same destructive relationship patterns.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 2:20pm

I appreciate everyone thoughts and replies on my post. You were right on about the reasons I got into this destructive relationship, all the wrong ones and that I need to address a lot of my underlying issues.

An answer to someone's query that when did I find out about his affairs, before or after I got into this relationship. Actually, all I did know that he had an affair while married, which he told me about. The other two (Victim and trainee)I was unaware of until after he broke off with me and then others in the office came forth with this information. Another thing is that this is hearsay since no one seems to have any facts or proof. Honestly, It doesn't matter any more. I am done with him. No more!

But, regardless of what he did in the past, I am aware I was used and I let myself be used and abused. I repeated the pattern from my marriage, earned a lot of pain and learned a valuable lesson in life. I am aware my core issues are low self esteem and self worth, tied into issues of abandonment and attachment. But knowing, I am realizing, is not enough. I need to make a conscous effort to practice them (standing up for myself, laying down boundaries and following through). This I am still learning.

Thank you all once againg for your time, advice and support. I am also blessed with friends and family who have been very supportive along with a great therapist, who have given me a lot of straight talk and support. I see him as he is truly is, his games and manipulation and I also see my weaknesses and issues which I need to address to fully heal and make sure it never happens again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 4:58pm
Hi sdaya, you sound better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 9:55am

GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!

This is a wonderfull side. It will help a lot of people I have been there and I am already loving myself. I would suggest it to others. Thanks for recomending it.