heartbroken
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heartbroken
| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 5:31am |
For the past 3 years I lived with and loved a man who I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. He was building a house for us (literally) and we were planning a future together. He was always loving, affectionate, respectful of me and included me in everything. We traveled together, played together and shared a very peaceful warm house together. Unfortunately I met a female who another friend of mine warned me was a 'homewrecker' and became 'friends' with her. Ultimately he slept with her in my presence and we broke up. I moved away because of this, which was for the best since we definately needed time away from 'the incident'. Since I've been away I cannot stop thinking of him even though dont have any trouble dating other people. We communicate; he tells me he's sorry among other things. I feel like I could forgive him since what we shared was so beautiful, but friends say that I should move forward instead of backwards and that he would never respect me if I went back to him. My question is: can the relationship be recovered?

mtcaligirl...
PG thinks the question each of you should be asking one another is: In spite of what has happened and the fact that both of us are feeling used and betrayed...DO WE WANT TO TRY AGAIN?"
This isn't an issue of what YOUR FRIENDS think! They haven't been part of YOUR 3 year relationship!
Why don't the two of you have a serious one-to-one about fidelity...and what each of you EXPECTS from the other? Perhaps you can resolve things and move forward.....together?
Pianoguy
What you say is true, and I realize my friends arent the ones who've got to live in my shoes. However, I made a pretty significant MOVE. So it isnt like I can drive over to see him or meet him somewhere to have this one-to-one.
My guy says he wants to be 'friends' with me now because he feels as though that is all we can be under the circumstances. {Before I left he said I looked at him like he was the devil and he knew I needed time and space to get over his 'mistake' - a mistake he says is the biggest one he's made in his life.} However I'm pretty sure he's open to returning to a life together in the future; and I've written him a letter asking him just that to make sure.
Can you tell me why you said BOTH of us were feeling used and betrayed? I'm not doubting you, just curious how HE may be feeling those emotions, based on what happened.
Also, can you give me some pointers about this 'fidelity' conversation we should be having?
Thanks Piano Guy you're the best
P.S. I'm 30 and he just turned 36 (is that appropriate behavior for someone his age? or should he have grown out of that sort of thing by now? Can I genuinely chalk it up to a foul-up or is it a character flaw?)
I completely agree with Pianoguy although somewhat puzzled by the "both people feeling used and betrayed" comment (was it a typo?)
I dont think that there is any rule or law against considering going back. Its really important that you re-establish trust though and that can take a long time.
Regarding what your friends say, I dont have another way of putting this but Ive found that when your heart is broken your friends get defensive and angry and often they project their own scars and wounds on your situation. They arent always the best people to go to for advice in a situation like this.
I know youre looking for male advice but I cant help chiming in on the question whether this is some typical late 30's male behavior. Its just not. You just have to figure out if you can trust him to not do it again. I wouldnt run back into the relationship. Like PG says I think you two need to have a talk about things and then think and if you do get back together, take it slow.
::Ultimately he slept with her in my presence and we broke up.
This implies consent on your part? Is that true? He may feel hurt and betrayed if he thought the situation happened with your consent, then you changed your mind. Plus you did bring her into your marriage. You met her and made friends with her after being warned about her.
I think your relationship could work again if you were both in counseling together working on the issues.
Carrie
mtcaligirl...
First...Pianoguy sincerely THANKS YOU for your very nice compliments. They mean a lot!
Here's my 'take' on men in their 30s...40s...50s...and probably their 60s? Most of the time our behavior is consistant to our age. HOWEVER...this doesn't necessarily mean we're NEVER going to toy with...or screw up "a relationship that appears to be SOLID!"
We're human...and some of us have been known to "test the waters!" Which basically means...we end up jeopardizing our SOLID relationship by SCREWING AROUND WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!
!
Your EX indicated that he screwed up...and...HE DID! Unfortunately, both of you felt the consequences from his stupidity. He realized he betrayed you so now he's uncertain as to whether you want to 'give things a 2nd try!' You've got a TRUST ISSUE...because I'm sure you're not totally convinced that he wouldn't cheat on you again?
If the 2 of you HONESTLY want to try and rebuild your friendship---and see if you can eventually "get right back to where you started from" ....THEN GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT!
I sincerely hope you both can rekindle what was lost? It really sounds like you want to?
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy