Heartbroken and desperate :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Heartbroken and desperate :(
25
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:19pm
Ok, once you read this I know what you are all going to say....why did you get involved with your neighbor!?
We met about 18 months ago and we fell for each other. We never spoke and we never saw each other again for about 2 months. 1 day last year he appears out of nowhere while I am getting my mail from the mailbox, turns out he is living right across the street from me. A few weeks go by and we have dinner ~ nothing happens... A month or 2 go by and he tells me he has fallen in love with me....this is before we have kissed or made love. A few weeks later we decided to give things a go! Everything is great...4 months ago he starts discussing marriage. It was a very casual conversation, but he did ask what kind of a ring I wanted. About 6/7 weeks ago we broke up but within 4 days we were back together after I had opened up about a lot things in my life I felt I couldn't share because I thought he would look down on me. Well, after getting back together things were great and then all of a sudden last week, he starts asking me 2 serious questions...what I would do if I got pregnant and I was dating him (we are not "into having" children) ~ I explained that I didn't know and I couldn't give him an answer and felt like I was "put on the spot". The other was about working after marriage...my background is that after marriage women do not work.....my situtation is different though....I am trying to get a greencard (via work! not marriage) which means I cannot at any time stop work and if I do I have to be married to someone who can support me moneywise. Yes, my ideal situation is not to work but I know with my greencard situation that it is not a possibility and I accept that. I explained this too him and he understood. Within 48 hours he is telling me it is over/wants to take a break....I am dumbfounded! We had both agreed that any time we felt a little "iffy" about the relationship we would say something and work thru it....but he didn't, her just sat me down and told me it was over.
I am heartbroken, I have had a rough couple of weeks, my car was broken into (I called "him" first, and he said he didn't have time for me and to hang up and call the police ~ to me it was natural instict to call "him" first). Because I am trying to get my greencard I can't leave the country ~ I found out that my grandmother is on her deathbed so I am under more stress. Work sucks too! It is like everything has come crashing down on me all at once.
Anyway to get to the point ~ "he" lives across the street....I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep myself busy and keep out of my house. I don't have any friends ~ I lost them all a few years back because I was in an abusive relationship, so I really have no one to hang out with. This is my first house I brought and I wanted it to be my sanctary but now I feel I can't be there. And eveytime I am home, I look out the window at his house because I can hear his car go by and I just want to look to see if he is with someone else. Crazy I know.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and now it has fallen apart. He tells me I am not marriage material and he doesn't think he wants to get married again. The guy is divorced, his ex wife is horrid (so I have heard). I have met all of his friends and family and all of them have said how much happier "he" is now since we have begun dating. His mother even introduced me as her "future daughter in law".
I was thinking the other day that maybe I brought out the confidence in him that he lost during his divorce and now he has decided that he does not need me anymore and thinks he can find something better. He's about to turn 40 (I am almost 30).....is he having a mid life crisis?! He told me he loved me. I am totally lost and all over the place right now!
Any advice would be welcome...but I am not too sure if I am ready for "tough love" yet..even though I need it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:31pm

I do not know your situation but from what I can tell it seems to me that the work/green card issue got in the way. Maybe he doesn't understand the "not working" after marriage idea. In the US it's expected that both work, unless children are involved. Maybe he was afraid of the financial burden.

Also the green card issue. Could he be afraid that you just wanted to marry him for a green card and then just not work? The way you explained it seemed like you do not want to work and are looking for a husband so you don't have to. If this is the case, maybe he didn't want to be a meal ticket.

I am just guessing here...I understand that I do not know the situation. I am sorry for the stress. Breaking up is not fun. Maybe if he does have these fears you can assure him it's not for any financial or citizenship gain that you want to be with him.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:52pm
Thank you for replying. I do just want to be with him. I am applying for my greencard via work and not marriage. I have very high morales, and I would never want to marry someone just to get a greencard. I have been in the US for several years. I take marriage very seriously and it is something I would never rush into such a serious commitment without my eyes wide open. I applied for my greencard 2 years before I met him and you can't change your application from applying for a greencard via work to applying for a greencard via marriage. I am 100% financially independent and have never relied on someone else. I understand that he must be scared because I don't want to work but we don't live in an ideal world. As soon as I moved over here I knew that I would have to work for a long time, most likely until retirement age. We all have a picture of what our lives want to be in our minds but it never really works out that way. I love him with every inch of my being. He never gave me the impression that I was only after him to get a greencard. Anyway if I was getting a greencard via marriage with him it would most likely get rejected because I live across the street from him and that would be a huge red flag for the Government.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:06am

Hmmm, well as far as I can see you're doing fine other than the heartbreak. I'm glad you didn't let his comment about "not being marriage material" get to you. Frankly if someone said that to me, I would close the door on that relationship in a hurry.

I'd perhaps pick an activity at the local community centre or something. Sewing, tae kwon do, anything. It'll let you branch out, meet people. HOpefully make friends that will go on to become the support network you need. And I would go home, tape the windows facing his house up with newspaper or card board. don't worry if it looks strange to the neighbours. Your home can STILL be your sanctuary. Go rearrange your furniture. Paint your walls, change the curtains. Perhaps you associate your living space with him too much. Changing things up will (surprisingly) improve your mood.

And worry about yourself not why he dumped you and what was he thinking. Sometimes even experienced people who walk into a relationship with their eyes open can't anticipate everything. Chalk it up to experience, and move on.

good luck

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 4:25am

Hi there,

I can understand why you feel heartbroken. Nothing will make you feel better except for time and to begin a new phase in your life. I know it sux to let time heal your heart and I absolutely hated it when other people told me that. Eight months on, I still miss my ex and I don't think I am over him, but I have begun a new life I guess and I know I am getting better each day.

Firstly, you feel confused/angry that he did not talk to you when he started having doubts, only when he's made a final decision to split. Well, I experienced the same thing. I was just as angry about it. Eventually, once I became less emotional about the breakup, I could see that most people need to make up their minds about things on their own. Since my ex, I have tried dating other people and I took time out on my own to decide whether I wanted to keep going or not with the new date, whether he was the right one for me and whether it was all just rebound etc... without talking/discussing it through with the other person. I personally feel now that promises to always talk things through are pretty much made to be broken. We all need time out to make decisions.

Secondly, you mentioned you don't have many friends. Well, I believe healing your heart is all about finding a new routine. See, when your car got broken into, the first person you called was your ex because that's what you're used to doing. No one is judging you for it and we all do it. However, you have learnt that calling him only made you feel worse. So you have to call someone else next time. If you don't have many friends, why not try to join a club (eg a book club), take up a hobby (say writing, cooking, drawing.. anything!) where you can meet more people. Sure, they won't become your friends right away, but the interaction and new routine will help you a great deal to feel happier each day.

I had a car accident about a month after my ex broke up with me. I didn't call him because I'd made a promise to myself I wouldn't call/email/IM/text him for 2 months. I called my girlfriend instead. She came right over, picked me up and took me to her place. We had pizza and a bottle of wine. Sure, I woke up the next day, the first thought was still of my ex and the first feeling I had was heartache, but.... time fixes that.

As to why he wanted to break up with you - well, I don't want to judge him because I don't know him. Just as I don't want to judge what you have said either - and no, I don't think it was silly of you at all to get involved with your neighbour. What you think maybe the reason as to why he broke up with you (ie that you are not marriage material) may not be the real reason at all. I am not trying to make you tear your hair out to figure out the truth - all I am saying is this: he stopped believing in your relationship; he stopped thinking it would work out. It doesn't matter if it is because you have different views on marriage, or maybe he just had a sudden change of heart.... the truth sux but you must accept that for whatever reason, he's changed his mind.

The mistake I always made was to try and work out the part I played in him changing his mind so that I could try to change it back. But you know what? A couple of times it worked and I got him back. However, because of me lowering myself to grovelling for another chance, he lost respect for me and the relationship just stopped being a loving one, even though we were still together. Even though I got my man back, I was more miserable than when we broke up. So my advice is, try to stop working out why it happened and what you could've done or can do. Accept it for what it is, give your life a makeover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:29am
i was reading your reply to this women, and it all makes such good sense, but isnt everything easier said then done??? its only been 1.5 weeks for me, and ive been depressed, heartbroken, keep randomy contacting him because i miss him...im just making it harder for myself i know..but how do you stop?? this person was such an important part of your life-- and now its gone. its hard to find people to fill up that time...and its even harder because you dont want anyone but him to fill up your time. ( atleast thats how i feel)...i have so much free time now and it sucks. what the hell do i dooooooo? all i want to do is sit and wait for him to change his mind...but if thats what ill do, ill end up being 100 in this chair ;) itll never happen. but i cant imagine doing or wanting to do anything else without him :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 11:25am

I felt exactly the same way as what you described. I missed him terribly and spent much time sitting at home crying. I slept or cried in bed.. for about a week. Then I got out of the house because I needed to work, but I'd go straight home and just hop back into bed. That continued for one whole month. Needless to say, I lost a lot of weight and had headaches from constantly sleeping. The worst bit was waking up in the morning - every morning my heart ached. It truly, physically ached. For one whole month it ached every morning.

I didn't have very many friends either, and still don't. I made myself go out with a couple of them, and of course, mentioned that my ex and I broke up. I didn't talk about it too much as I found it difficult to tell people that my ex bf no longer wanted me in his life (obviously on internet I can remain anonymous so I'm ok with saying it out loud here)... I found it embarassing and it didn't help ex and I worked together.

and yes, all I wanted was for him to fill up my time. I pined, waited, wondered if he would call/text/IM/email. But no he didn't for two months. As far as I knew (I didn't ask but people volunteered information to me) he went out and partied. I grew angry - I was so hurt and was crying and aching and.... he was PARTYING!!!

Do you know something? It hurts to think this, I know, but when I was at my worst, I thought about how hard I tried to make it work and how much I wanted to make it work, but all he wanted to do was to discard our relationship. Plus he was partying after we broke up - like it was a celebration! I reminded myself those hurtful images and thoughts often enough and eventually, that gave me the strength to spend my time not thinking or caring about him.

When we talked again, two months later, I had calmed down. I still had feelings for him but I could also see my life had changed. He could see it too. He told me I'd been so absolutely fantastic to him throughout the entire time we had known each other and I am glad he has such good memories of me.

Sometimes things don't work out. Its still raw to you and don't be afraid of the pain and suffering you feel. One week from now I think you will still tell me that you're suffering but your pain will be less intense. The week after the pain will become even less intense... you're working through it right now even though you don't feel like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:14pm
What has me freaked out is that I know longer have "our routine"....my ex and I would always go to breakfast on the weekends and dinner too. We would go grocery shopping together and all that kind of stuff. Now I think to myself..what do I do? I missing lying on the couch with him and just waking up next to him. I always used to wake up first and just watch him sleep. His cat would always come jump on me and curl up next to me....my ex mentioned when we first got together that the cat hated everybody! Within 48 hours it was like I was her new best friend...my ex was amazed and he said that "you are someone real special if the cat likes you".
Am I more devasted over losing him or the cat? Anyway, it still sucks living right opposite each other. At least I don't look out the window every 10 minutes anymore. Weekends I know are going to be tough....this Saturday night will be the first Saturday I have spent at home....fingers crossed I will not have an emotional break down...I would go out on my own but Saturday is date night and I just can't be seen out on my own and get laughed at or be given the "sorry you're alone" look.
I haven't fully cried yet...which is odd....I had tears come to my eyes but no full blown out emotional cry....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 7:41pm

You might not realise this yourself but you sound like you feel better than you did yesterday! :)

You said you're not looking out the window every 10 minutes... which is a really good sign. Although you are feeling a little overwhelmed by the thought of what to do with your spare time, I think you are worrying about it because you know its the next step you have to deal with... you're not focusing on the past, but worrying about what to do in the future.

This saturday night - why don't you get a big tub of your fav ice-cream, hire a DVD (again, am happy to recommend something if you like the idea and tell me what genre of films you like).. sit back, watch a DVD and eat loads of the good stuff! Once the night is over and you're ready for bed, write a journal entry/blog/post to tell yourself that you have made it through to the first tough night you feared.

The first Friday night I was without my ex, I went out for a meal with a girlfriend... but she was having a fight with her bf so I spent all night consoling her. I went home, wrote in my diary and wrote about how good it was that I wasn't in her situation, still trying to figure things out, worrying about whether she did anything wrong or whether he'd leave her etc... I was free of all that.

Make that journal entry saturday night and say how proud you are of yourself!

You can do it.

As to the old routine with your ex... these are memories. Right now they make you sad but in time you'll look back on those times as the good times in your relationship. You haven't had a single big cry yet but believe me you will... in a way you are probably still in shock. Let yourself feel what you need to feel... get this saturday night out of the way (and try and enjoy it even if on your own) and I'll bet you'll feel more confident next saturday night.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:48pm
oh i feel the same way. weekends are the hardest--weekdays are hard enough, but weekends. what in the world is there to do? i also feel like people pitty me when im alone-- and staying home also doesnt make me feel better.i guess im not as positive as the rest of the people giving you fantastic advice ...maybe both you and i should listen to it :) if anything, you can talk to me saturday night :) ill be online, sad and miserable hehe and we can have a jollly time being sad together. hows that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:16am

pfft. go out if you want to on saturday night. Couples night is a myth. Tell yourself it's girls night out, or treat yourself night. Go to a spa. I used to go watch movies by myself on the days nobody else was available.

Trust me, nobody looks at you and feels sorry for you. I remember seeing this one woman who came in and had dinner by herself at a restaurant i was at...and i was more inclined to admire her sass than pity her for being alone.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your

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