Heartbroken and desperate :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Heartbroken and desperate :(
25
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:19pm
Ok, once you read this I know what you are all going to say....why did you get involved with your neighbor!?
We met about 18 months ago and we fell for each other. We never spoke and we never saw each other again for about 2 months. 1 day last year he appears out of nowhere while I am getting my mail from the mailbox, turns out he is living right across the street from me. A few weeks go by and we have dinner ~ nothing happens... A month or 2 go by and he tells me he has fallen in love with me....this is before we have kissed or made love. A few weeks later we decided to give things a go! Everything is great...4 months ago he starts discussing marriage. It was a very casual conversation, but he did ask what kind of a ring I wanted. About 6/7 weeks ago we broke up but within 4 days we were back together after I had opened up about a lot things in my life I felt I couldn't share because I thought he would look down on me. Well, after getting back together things were great and then all of a sudden last week, he starts asking me 2 serious questions...what I would do if I got pregnant and I was dating him (we are not "into having" children) ~ I explained that I didn't know and I couldn't give him an answer and felt like I was "put on the spot". The other was about working after marriage...my background is that after marriage women do not work.....my situtation is different though....I am trying to get a greencard (via work! not marriage) which means I cannot at any time stop work and if I do I have to be married to someone who can support me moneywise. Yes, my ideal situation is not to work but I know with my greencard situation that it is not a possibility and I accept that. I explained this too him and he understood. Within 48 hours he is telling me it is over/wants to take a break....I am dumbfounded! We had both agreed that any time we felt a little "iffy" about the relationship we would say something and work thru it....but he didn't, her just sat me down and told me it was over.
I am heartbroken, I have had a rough couple of weeks, my car was broken into (I called "him" first, and he said he didn't have time for me and to hang up and call the police ~ to me it was natural instict to call "him" first). Because I am trying to get my greencard I can't leave the country ~ I found out that my grandmother is on her deathbed so I am under more stress. Work sucks too! It is like everything has come crashing down on me all at once.
Anyway to get to the point ~ "he" lives across the street....I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep myself busy and keep out of my house. I don't have any friends ~ I lost them all a few years back because I was in an abusive relationship, so I really have no one to hang out with. This is my first house I brought and I wanted it to be my sanctary but now I feel I can't be there. And eveytime I am home, I look out the window at his house because I can hear his car go by and I just want to look to see if he is with someone else. Crazy I know.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and now it has fallen apart. He tells me I am not marriage material and he doesn't think he wants to get married again. The guy is divorced, his ex wife is horrid (so I have heard). I have met all of his friends and family and all of them have said how much happier "he" is now since we have begun dating. His mother even introduced me as her "future daughter in law".
I was thinking the other day that maybe I brought out the confidence in him that he lost during his divorce and now he has decided that he does not need me anymore and thinks he can find something better. He's about to turn 40 (I am almost 30).....is he having a mid life crisis?! He told me he loved me. I am totally lost and all over the place right now!
Any advice would be welcome...but I am not too sure if I am ready for "tough love" yet..even though I need it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:01am
Well, I am taking an intensive summer class so I have not time to think about the ex too much. He pops into my head early in the morning when I am on my way to work. I think about a brick wall to "block" the thoughts and it actually works. Take care of yourself and find ways to keep you busy, even it it includes redecorating, painting. Taking a weekend trip out of town, etc. The 1.5 week mark fell on my birthday and I was determined to have a great week and celebrate with friends. The next week however was pretty bad. It's been about two months and it still pops into my head, but it's more anger than missing him or feeling I lost my soul mate. If he had been the right person for me he would have treated me with decency and consideration, no?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:08am
thats very true. but i still dont have that anger. for now i just love and miss him. but i can tell you one thing...i am SO tired OF BEING MISERABLE, CRYING AND BEING UPSET. im just tired of it. i have no energy, yet i cant get this out of my mind. i cant get myself to do anything, or be happy, or think of something else. its like this whole breakup just has taken over. and im trying so hard for no contact-- BUT I KEEP BREAKING IT. i am weak and cant seem to do this the right way. just MOVE ON!! but how???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:19am

Well, no contact is hard. You have to really put yourself first and be disciplined. It's for your own good and seeing you is not going to change his mind about breaking up with you. It's also going to make it more painful for you to move on. I started by deleting his phone number from my cell phone, deleting all text messages and e-mails. I also put all the stuff he left behind or reminded me of him in a box and hid it in a closet I rarely go into. I also avoided walking by his house (he only lived a few block away so there was always a chance of running into him). Avoided his favorite coffee shop, hangouts, etc. Resisted the urge to send him any nasty e-mails or check his facebook. I did write a lot of letters about sadness and being upset and all the things I wish I had said, but I NEVER SENT THEM. Las thing you want is an emotionally charged letter out there for a guy to show all his friends showing them how unstable you are and how he was justified in breaking up.

The hardest thing for me was that he didn't actually break up, he just disappeared and stopped calling me because we argued about him not making time for me. It was not even in his list of priorities and that was very painful. After years of broken hearts and breakups I have learned when it's time to just let it go. I knew I couldn't chase him and that no explanation of why he did this would make me feel better. I also lost all respect for him because of this. I mean, who says I love you and I miss you one week and then disappears the next?

Also, don't let him call you to see how you are doing. He is just trying to quiet his conscience and assure himself he is not the bad guy. No contact means no contact. Maybe someday you can be best of buddies, but not now. Take a class, hobbies, volunteer, anything so you don't have time to dwell. It's ok to feel bad and let yourself be miserable, but you have to find ways to heal and not be so hard on yourself about the "what ifs". If you are still having problems, consider counseling. Many people do this for short periods to get out of a rut. The fact that you are sick of being miserable is a good first sign that you want to move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:09pm

::I would go out on my own but Saturday is date night and I just can't be seen out on my own and get laughed at or be given the "sorry you're alone" look.


I totally agree with unicornssong - go out.... in this day and age, people don't laugh at or look at you the way you describe......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:29pm
Weekdays are bad for me too ~ I live across the street from my ex so I know when he is home....I hear his car come and go.....it is awful!
I hate Monday mornings....people at work ask what you did over the weekend and if you let slip you spent Saturday night at home you get the pity look....
I HATE this and the way I am feeling right now, it will be 2 weeks this Saturday since "the split", I still haven't cried, I am just dumbfounded with what has happened, I just can't get over it.
Being dumped is bad enough but being told you're not marriage material is more then heartbreaking. I am 30 in a few months and that is not something that you want to hear.....
The only good thing that happened to me today was a homeless guy said i was "hot" .... how depressing.
Anyway, I will be here Saturday night too ~ so I will look out for you.
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 7:36pm
You say that now, but I promise you, one day, you will say "what was I thinking". Mark your calendar, and write those very words down and when the time is right, and your over the ex, you would be surprised how good you will feel and those words will be just that, "words" with no feeling behind it. I promise!!! You don't see it, and your dealing with a break up, but in time, you will be ok....Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 3:30am
i cant imagine that happening yet :( all i can think of now is him...and how happy and fantastic everything used to be :( and i cant stop missing him...or hoping that hell change his mind and come back. i thought it would get a little easier as the days went by, but it seems to be harder and harder and harder :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 3:32am

yeah. i guess we had breakups the same day. two weeks for me on saturday too. unfortinatly i havnt STOPPED crying. i just cant stop. it keeps coming and coming and coming. i am just sooooooo sad and its not going away. it was a long distance relationship and we had so much planned for this upcoming week. ( he is coming home tomorrow). we had a wedding and a vacation planned. now its all gone and hes here and i wont get to see him. just breaks my heart to know that hes gone from my life.

atleast you had that homeless guy give you a compliment :) i havnt had anything good happen to me in weeks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:17pm

Really, go read Greg Behrendt's "It's called a break up because it's broken". Some of the things he tells you is spot on. He mentions that the time you get over your break up is proportionate to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. And he's spot on.

But what comes to mind when you bring up the whole 'marriage material' is that it is so much crap. You aren't 'marriage material' (whatever that means) for HIM but not for the other 99% percent of the world. I can name at least 15 guys off the top of my head that would be happy to have a woman like you: practical, pulls her weight, strong. When you truly realise that about yourself, you'll be well on your way to getting over him.

To quote an example. I was smushed when my ex dumped me. He said a lot of god awful things to me when we broke up, like how I was needy and insecure and like. My friends thought I'd died for 2 days after the break up and my mom was afraid I'd kill myself. And yet here I am, 3 weeks later, completely normal. Why? Because unfortunately for him, I have an extremely bloated sense of self-worth. Which is not really a bad thing in this case.

My point is, when you're over the hurt, this is a good time to build your self-esteem. And when you have a good sense of yourself, things other people say can be a prompt to evalute your own behaviour rather than a sledgehammer to crush your sense of worth. For example, What my ex said definitely hurt and floored me for a few days. And it was certainly a wake call for self-examination.

Was I needy in the relationship? yes. and a BIG part of me hated it. I hated how I would chase him and beg him to stay during the relationship. I couldn't let him go to parties because I was afraid he'd cheat on me.

Was i needy in all relationships? no. I'm usually really laid back with everyone. I'm the kind of person where I can't be bothered to initiate an IM conversation with you unless I have something urgent.

Why did I have so much trouble with this relationship? Honestly I don't know, I can only speculate. It may be that I like being dependendable and I value dependeable people. The fact that my ex was very undependable may have been what triggered the behaviour of always chasing him. Maybe it was a gut feeling that he'd cheat eventually (which he did, and it wasn't as bad as I always thought it would be). Whatever the case, the long and short of it is that I learned something walking away from that relationship without taking away anything detrimental to my self-esteem.

What you need to learn. Why do you think you aren't marriage material? Why would a hard-working woman in her prime NOT be? And in the end, even if you never marry, so what? You were happy (i'm sure) when you were single before you met him, what changed?

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 8:12pm
I know how you feel, but believe in yourself and the fact that what your feeling is only temporary. You don't see it now, and you won't, until the storm has died. It will be hard, and I mean hard, but you will survive this. It takes time, and the sad part, time is never on our side when were struggling to get over someone. But mark your calendar, or write down what your feeling in a journal and when days go by, reflect and read what you wrote. I started a journal 3 years ago, and I have 5 in total. I just wrote in my journal the other day, and the last time I wrote was one month ago. I use to write in my journal everyday, and cry, because those were sad moments for me. When I go back to read what I wrote three years ago, I get this uneasy feeling, because I can't believe I made it through. But I did, and I'm here to tell you, you will as well. It's just take time, and we want to rush what were feeling, but you can't. Your learning so much through this time of heart break and loniless. When your done with this, you will know why this happened. Keep us posted and continue on the boards, they are very helpful. As you can see, your not the only one feeling this way, and people on these boards care and willing to help and listen. I wish there was a pill you can take to make it go away, but there isn't and just go thru it, and pray to God for help. He will guide you, and remember, God only allows you to suffer so much. He's not going to allow you to "not make it" thru this difficult time. Take care