Heartbroken and need some advice
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| Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:44pm |
This is a long one but I want to give you the whole picture.
I am absolutely devastated. I was dating this amazing guy. We hit it off right from the beginning. I met him on Yahoo Personals and we clicked first via e-mail, then on the phone and then in person. He was around my age and we had almost everything in common. I have always been looking for a guy who is the male equivalent of me and I really felt I found him.
We met at a bar in the middle of where he lives and where I live. His brother and sister-in-law along with some of their friends came on our first date. I thought it was kind of weird, but he did ask me about it and I said it was ok. We talked to them briefly and then we mostly just hung out together. Then a week later he invited me to his house where he cooked me dinner and bought me flowers. During this whole time we talked on the phone almost every night for about two hours each time. There never was a lull and we always had a good time talking to each other. The next week he went to Myrtle Beach for a week with his brother and sister-in-law. We saw each other before he left and he called me almost every day from the beach. When he came back he insisted on seeing me the same day even though it was late. We had a great time and it was great to see him after missing him so much. Then he was suppose to go to my friend's wedding on Friday and he said he could not wait until Friday to see me. I had other plans so I could only see him on Thurs. He came to my house and we had a really great time. We had waited to sleep together and then we did that night. It was pretty great. The next day he went to my friends wedding and we had a great time.
I have to tell you that he took things mock speed this whole time. He was always very affectionate telling me how wonderful I was, how great I made him feel, that he had never met anyone else like me, that he couldnt believe we had so much in common, etc... He even told me he loved me after three weeks. I didnt feel that way about him, but I told him I felt the same way because he is very sensitive and I didnt want to hurt his feelings. At times I was nervous because things were progressing so fast but I never told him I confided in friends and family who walked me through it. I was able to then move on and really feel and not put up walls. I have been hurt several times in the past so I was very honest with him that it was not easy for me to be so open with someone and share my feelings. He told me he understood and would never intentionally hurt me.
Since things were going so well, then two things happened. my mom and dad were going to be in town and she asked if he wanted to meet them. I asked him and told him it wasnt anything serious but that they were in town and would he like to meet him. I even gave him an out saying that if he thought it was too early that was ok just tell me. He told me twice that it was ok and not to worry. The other problem was that his brother made a stupid comment to a guy they both know. They wanted to go to a concert and his brother told the guy that he was always with me and wasnt sure if he would be able to go. I told him that wasnt the case that we had previously only seen each other once a week except for last week because it was different circumstances. He said his brother said it about him and not me. His brother says that with girls he always goes MIA and is always with them. he said he didnt care and that he would do what he wanted.
He was suppose to call me on Sunday after going to his parents house to set up a time to meet. Instead he texted me telling me that he could not see me anymore, he thought I was a very nice person but he did not want to be serious. I was completely floored because he is the one who was the primary pursuer and said the L word to me. I tried to call him immediately and he would not answer the phone. He texted me again sorry and I called him again telling him that was unacceptable. He finally called me back and said he was sorry for doing it that way, but he didnt know what to say to me and that he was just scared and confused. He also told me via text that he cared about me but didnt know how he cared about me and didnt want to lead me on. I brought that up too and told him how he was the one who took us mock speed and that I didnt really want to do that and that I actually wanted to take it slow and I didnt really love him but didnt want to hurt his feelings. We talked for a little while. He kept talking in circles and really couldnt give me a straight answer. He asked what we should do. I told him that he made this decision and that I could not make the decision alone. I said we should take a week to think about it. He agreed.
I was just devastated all day Sunday and all Sunday night into Monday. I decided that I would e-mail him and tell him that I could not take the risk of taking it slow because I was afraid he would just freak out a month from now and we would be in the same place we are now. I talked to a few friends last night and they thought I was too rash in my decision and that it didnt sound like he wanted to really end it that he was just scared. I called him and said I had been too rash and maybe we should take the week to think things through. I really dont want to lose him but he has contaminated what we previously had by how he acted on Sunday. I wish he could have just called me and told me how he felt. I had an ex-boyfriend who I almost married two years ago break-up with me via voicemail so this was very reminiscent of that. I told him that too. He apologized and said he would have never done it that way if he had known. I dont really know what to do. I am afraid of what his decision will be and I am afraid to continue with him and have him do this again in a month from now. I am not sure my heart can take it. Sometimes I think it would have been easier to take if he had cheated on me. It would have been clear cut.
Any thoughts? Perspectives? I am dying here. I dont know what to do.

maplesugar6...
Pianoguy is puzzled???
Why would you want to continue to see a man who has "contaminated" every ounce of trust you previously had for him? Do you HONESTLY BELIEVE you CAN'T get hurt AGAIN?
My only suggestion is to try and learn from your unfortunate experience...and don't permit yourself to be "set up again?" Yahoo personnels are fun to read...and some of the people who are on-line are terrific. But expecting complete respect 'from an on-line total stranger' doesn't always happen!
Sorry you are going through this....
Pianoguy
Oh, gosh, another woman devastated by these type of guy! If you read some of the recent posts, you'll see that this behavior (the fast start) is typical of men with commitment issues and/or men who are infatuation and fantasy junkies.
Please read "Men Who Can't Love" and/or "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter ASAP. You will see you are FAR from alone in falling hard for a guy who came on strong and then pulled a 180 degree turnaround. The book(s) will also give you a list of things to watch out for, so you will be forewarned next time.
I disagree with your friends...if you give him another chance, he will almost certainly do the same thing again. Yes, he's "just scared"...but an emotionally healthy person doesn't do what he did and if you're looking for a healthy relationship, he's not your guy (at least not without a lot of hard work in counseling)!
Sheri
onething i could tell you listen to your instinct..and your actually right he did that to you once. i'm pretty sure he will do it twice again. so you really need to deside what to do in this relationship. YOU JUST NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEEK FOR THE TRUTH!!
GOOD LUCK
Thanks so much for your nice post. I appreciate it. It has been really hard for me and I just dont know what to do. It is so confusing. I am so sick of finding these emotionally unavailable men. I have worked hard to be mentally healthy and am tired of finding these men who are not. No one helped me get on the right track so I dont feel I should have to fix someone else. It is definitely easier said than done to walk away. I will just have to do some serious thinking this week and decide what I want. I cant let him choose my fate. I have to choose my own.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. A few years ago I was with a guy that I too almost married and he had a mental breakdown and broke up with me on my answering machine. That hurts worse than what I am going through but I have been where you are and I can relate. I really hope whatever will work out best for you happens. I will think good thoughts for you too.