Heartbroken and stuck..
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Heartbroken and stuck..
| Wed, 12-29-2004 - 7:59pm |
Dear girls, this will be my first time posting a message, I got here by mere coincidence and I'm so glad that I did..
I am a 30yr old single mother of 3 (long story) and I met my ex-boyfriend 7yrs.ago at work.
Actually he was my boss..
Intrestingly enough I was not at all attracted to him in the beginning, he's Asian and just wasn't my cup of tea, or so I thought..
Anyway, we started seeing eachother a year after, our relationship began as purely sexual.
I was not intrested in anything serious and neither was he, he had just come out of a relationship and so had I (the father of my youngest).
As time progressed we realized how strong our feelings were for one another and stayed together for 6yrs.
He was very involved in my and my childrens life, and we were in his, with the exception of his family who live in Korea.
Last year he sold the buisness where worked together for financial reasons and moved to Seattle.
We had discussed the move many times throughout the years and right before he left promised that we would eventually be together, as in I would move over there as soon as he had established himself..
Months passed and we were traveling back and forth, seeing eachother often, it was hard but what seemed the only thing possible at the time..
Upon returning from one of my trips, I decided that the situation was unbearable, and decided to start doing some research on schools and work out there, I didn't want to be separated from him any longer..
To my surprise I found his business website online, when he had told me he was working for someone, in other words, deal breaker..
I confronted him with it, and he didn't know what to say but that he was sorry, and we decided to take sometime to think things over since his parents were visiting at the time..
A month later he came over to see me, and we briefly spoke about his need to keep things from me (which I'm still not clear of) and he basically apologized and said his reasons where because of his struggles and not being sure of being able to provide for me (us)..
So I thought "Reasonable" wimpy, but I love the guy..
I went for one last visit 2weeks later, and everything seemed to be as usual.
When I returned, actually two days later I found an email from him breaking up with me..
He said we were at different stages in life, and that no matter what my children would never look to him as their father, and that he was in a very bad place in his life that he couldn't find love for himself and that he had to do the right thing..
That was back in August,and my mourning is now less consistent, but I have not been able to let go, we speak once in a while,or email eachother at times..
That is also becoming less frequent, but I want to believe that this is not over..
Sorry for such a long message, but how do you cram up 6yrs. and so many things shared?
I now that change is inevitable, but this man has showed me in the most incredible ways that he loves me, and all of a sudden everything is different?
Does anyone have an opinion, or perspective? Whatever it may be?
Thanks..
I am a 30yr old single mother of 3 (long story) and I met my ex-boyfriend 7yrs.ago at work.
Actually he was my boss..
Intrestingly enough I was not at all attracted to him in the beginning, he's Asian and just wasn't my cup of tea, or so I thought..
Anyway, we started seeing eachother a year after, our relationship began as purely sexual.
I was not intrested in anything serious and neither was he, he had just come out of a relationship and so had I (the father of my youngest).
As time progressed we realized how strong our feelings were for one another and stayed together for 6yrs.
He was very involved in my and my childrens life, and we were in his, with the exception of his family who live in Korea.
Last year he sold the buisness where worked together for financial reasons and moved to Seattle.
We had discussed the move many times throughout the years and right before he left promised that we would eventually be together, as in I would move over there as soon as he had established himself..
Months passed and we were traveling back and forth, seeing eachother often, it was hard but what seemed the only thing possible at the time..
Upon returning from one of my trips, I decided that the situation was unbearable, and decided to start doing some research on schools and work out there, I didn't want to be separated from him any longer..
To my surprise I found his business website online, when he had told me he was working for someone, in other words, deal breaker..
I confronted him with it, and he didn't know what to say but that he was sorry, and we decided to take sometime to think things over since his parents were visiting at the time..
A month later he came over to see me, and we briefly spoke about his need to keep things from me (which I'm still not clear of) and he basically apologized and said his reasons where because of his struggles and not being sure of being able to provide for me (us)..
So I thought "Reasonable" wimpy, but I love the guy..
I went for one last visit 2weeks later, and everything seemed to be as usual.
When I returned, actually two days later I found an email from him breaking up with me..
He said we were at different stages in life, and that no matter what my children would never look to him as their father, and that he was in a very bad place in his life that he couldn't find love for himself and that he had to do the right thing..
That was back in August,and my mourning is now less consistent, but I have not been able to let go, we speak once in a while,or email eachother at times..
That is also becoming less frequent, but I want to believe that this is not over..
Sorry for such a long message, but how do you cram up 6yrs. and so many things shared?
I now that change is inevitable, but this man has showed me in the most incredible ways that he loves me, and all of a sudden everything is different?
Does anyone have an opinion, or perspective? Whatever it may be?
Thanks..

I know how you feel. I also just recently came out of a 6 year relationship. Our breakup was very much unexpected – at least to me. I did not see it coming. I still do not know what really happened. One day he loves and adores me and the next day he says he is not sure about our future together and needs time alone. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do and needed answers. Of course, he didn’t have any answers. He just knows he couldn’t give me what I needed or wanted from the relationship. That wasn’t a good enough answer for me but it was what he had. You will never know what is truly going on in his mind as I will never know what is going on in John’s mind. As much as it hurts, you jut have to accept it and try to move on. You need to do it for your children. This is the time to take care of them and yourself. You can’t try to second-guess your ex or try to figure out what is going on in his mind. It will only drive you crazy. You can’t change the way he feels at this moment and where he’s at in his life. One thing that was hard for me to accept but I knew I had to was whether the truth is that he wants to be with me, or not be with me, I had to respect that.
Please keep posting and reading through the posts/replies on this board. There is a great deal of advice and understanding here. I wish you the best of luck.
You are absolutely right about me focusing on my children, that is exactly what I do the majority of the time, they are a blessing..
Your words were a much needed reminder of my reality, which I drift in and out from..
Thank you again for taking time to write back, it was really good for me..
Both of you guys need to read "The Commitment Cure" by Rhonda Findling. Or go on her website:
www.RhondaFindling.com
and go on the message boards (not as active as ivillage, but there are archives and I've learned so much from them).
She is a psychologist who works with women who have been dumped by ambivalent men. Ambivalent men are those who don't know what they want, are in the wrong point in their lives, etc. and they are prone to causing some pretty scarring breakups. I've been broken up with my ambivalent man for about 2 months now and he's already pursued many new women (I'm in the no contact phase, but I've heard from friends). It's painful and this book and website have helped me quite a bit.
My wish is that we all find a true love in 2005. Someone who can't live without us!!
chickpee
Best wishes!
Alexijuju,
So sorry to hear about your situation. I sincerely hope that you get through this and move on. I would like to add insight to your situation. Although you two spent seven years together, it seems to me that your "ex" was unable to overcome the cultural differences in the relationship.
Based on your message, you went through some times, and still chose to stay together. It is only when his parents came and visited that he was reminded of what his beliefs dictated what a "man" or "family" is. His struggles with being able to provide for you, how he fit into your family, etc. suggests that. I'm not saying that these values were to blame, but they did influence the decision he made. You can take the man out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the man.
I agree with you that hiding things from you is a "deal breaker." If one is not doing anything wrong, there shouldn't be any reason conceal one's actions. The fact that he could not end the relationship face to face should also be food for thought.
You may not want to believe that this is over, but you should anyways. Only then can you get over this, and move on be happy.
Mimiche
Dear mimiche,
First of I would like to thank you for taking time to reply, your insight is highly appreciated.
I agree with everything that you said, I too belive that the cultural diffrences are a big factor in his decision..
I guess I was deluded because of his fairly odd background, which I thought could probably assist him in making a choice that was entirely "His Choice".(Know whatt'a mean?)
He is of Korean nationality, but was raised in South Africa, then was moved to Ethiopia for several years, then sent to college out in Boston, etc..
The man has never dated a korean woman in his life, and his parents did visit a couple of times during our relationship, mind you I met them, but was never introduced as someone he was having a relationship with, since I was working for him at the time as well..
So anyway Mimiche, my point is solely that I naively hoped for the outcome to be different..
I am aware that the reality of things speak for themselves, I'm just trying to get used to the facts..
Thanks!
Take care sweetie, and all I can say to you is: YES everything is going to be ok. It does hurt though I know.
Thank you sooo much for your suggestion on "Man who can't Love", I am only half way through the book and I am still in shock!
It's as if the book is about my ex-boyfriend himself! Pretty incredible, even as I read along I am compelled to say "No way, that can't be the case" but the then there's nowhere else to search for what is inevitably IN YOUR FACE..
The book so far has given me so much insight on the dynamics of his behavior, and of course it is extremely comforting to feel that it really is out of my control..
Thanks