help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2006
help
4
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 11:14pm
Thursday night I discovered for the final time that my boyfriend of many years was at least not being honest about a relationship with another woman and at worst, he was cheating on me yet again. We've broken up several times (3) over cheating and he always comes back, usually right when I'm just about over him, and says the right things and I take him back. I so wanted it to work for us. I am an intelligent professional woman who cannot believe I am in the place I am in. It feels so juvenile. Thursday night, I walked in on "something-" not sure exactly what it was but it was something. I went crazy and it got physical. I broke pictures, tore them up, slapped him, just went off. This is not like me and does not fit my normal personality. But he's done this to me before and I just could not believe he could do it again. Our most recent split was 4-5 months ago-he wanted to get closer to God and couldn't do it with me as a distraction. He said he thought of nothing but me all the time and that he wasn't focusing on God. I was very hurt, but rationalized what he was saying as being ultimately good for us, if we got back together. I actually moved on and started dating, even going out with a guy I kind of liked. But then, he (ex) came back-he wanted to be a man worthy of me, wanted a future, etc, etc. I allowed him back in. He, of course, was so awesome-he loved me and couldn't get enough of me and this new lease for us. He has gotten into counseling and joined a men's accountability group. But about 3 weeks ago, he stopped the counseling (money) and the men's group (sick/too hard to get there due to his business). Things were going back to how they were prior to his breaking up with me to get closer to God. Then, I show up upon this situation Thursday night. He said he only went out with this woman once and it was when we were broken up. Only, there was a bit too much drama going on for that to be true, in my mind. That, together with the fact that he's cheated before. And went nuts. I guess the good news is that I was angry enough this time to do what I could to completly destroy and possible bridge back to him. I wanted to make him hate me more than I hated him at the time. So that he'd never even want to come back and I wouldn't go back when he came to me with the song and dance he's come to me with before. I emailed everyone at his place of business (he runs a martial arts school and so has students and/or parents of students) and told them exactly what kind of person they were training under. That he's had several relationships within relationships, all with adult students or moms of students. I was both. It was a bold, maybe stupid, thing to do, but I was so very angry. And I knew that if I didn't make him hate me, even though he threw me out of the school and wouldn't even talk to me after I went so berserk, he eventually would come back. And I didn't want to risk that I might take him back.
This is such a long story. If anyone is still reading, I'd love to chat with anyone who going through a breakup. To support each other and get through it. Believe it or not, even after what you just read, over the last day or two I've second guessed myself and tried to blame myself-maybe I didn't give him and chance to explain, maybe he went to her because I was still distant after his break -up with me in February, maybe if I'd been more receptive of all he was doing for and with me(he did do a lot and was very emotionally "there" I thought)he wouldn't have run to someone else. I hope to hear from you.
Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: letsgetoverit
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:20am
I read your post.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
In reply to: letsgetoverit
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:06pm

Emailing his students was pretty juvenile. Don't you have enough confidence in yourself to NOT take back such a lowlife cheater? My issue is that you made it sound like you had to do something like that in order for him to HATE you so he wouldn't try to get back together with you (thereby implying that you'd take him back AGAIN if he did). How is it that you can't trust yourself to tell this loser NO when he tries to weasel his way back into your life again. You don't need to make him hate you for that to happen. You just need to get a backbone and get some self respect.

In any case, you made yourself look like a fool in front of all his students -- if this guy was able to talk his way back into your life after cheating on you so much, I'm sure he was able to talk his way out of that email you sent out. The only person that came out looking bad was you.

In any case, you'll probably never hear from him again. But if you do, you'll hopefully have the backbone to stand up for yourself and tell him you want nothing to do with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
In reply to: letsgetoverit
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:46pm
Why would you keep taking back a man you know cheated on you? Where's yourself respect and self esteem? Do you ever hear the say "ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER" My mother always say if you take a man back after he cheats on you, he'll always do it cause he knows you're not going anywhere. You become his doormat, he knows no matter what he does, you will always take him back. You need to get it together and never think about this loser again. If not for your sake but for your child. If you have a little girl, I'm sure you don't want her to grow up thinking that if "Mommy" except certain things it's ok for her to do the same. Or if you have a boy, he grows thinking that he can treat women a certain way. Children are more aware of our behavior than we give them credit for. If this man ever come back knocking on your door, you need to stop opening it up to heartache.....Good Luck!
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anonymous user
In reply to: letsgetoverit
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:30pm
Thank you for that big dose of tough love. You are absolutely right, I know it, I've known it for a long time. Now it's time to act. Yes, it's stupid to give him another thought, but the thoughts keep coming. Not to go back to him, but they just keep coming. How do you make that stop???