HELP!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
HELP!!!!!
17
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 7:11pm

Help guys,

I am feelig so so so bad. My bf and I took a break for 3 weeks (we've been dating for almost a year). Within a week he found someone else and deeply fell in love with this woman. They spend all their time together. Recently he asked her to move with him to a different town (where he is planning on going for a job)... And even that they know each other only for 3 weeks, they say "I love you"... it kills me!!! He never asked me to move in with him and as a matter of fact, he was always sure that he was unsure... How can it happen - just got out of one relationship and so much in love with someone else. It just break my heart....

Thanks!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
In reply to: newyork2004
Mon, 07-18-2005 - 8:27pm

It's okay, we're here for you. I won't repeat my earlier post on your other thread, but I want you to know that everything will turn out for the better - I promise. My ex is acting the same way and here's my take. There are two options: 1) He is using this new relationship as a cushion to avoid dealing with the damage he's done and the poor way he's handled himself. Of course, his new girl is there cheering him on. Little does she know what's probably up the road for her. 2) He has truly moved on - meaning that he 'checked out' of your relationship a long time ago and neglected to tell you that. In either case, he is a callous, cowardly person and in reality, aren't you glad you're rid of him? You deserve so much better!

I know that it hurts beyond belief to imagine him in a 'happy' relationship already, but I assure you, this is most likely not the case. If it is, then he's a cold bastard - and how happy of a relationship can a cold bastard have? He can't. Or rather, he can't provide his half of one. I've come to the point where my overwhelming feeling for both my ex and his new girl is absolute pity. I pity anyone who is too weak to address problems in a relationship and so instead runs away. Further, I pity anyone who runs into a new relationship before addressing the end of an old one. In the case of the other girl, I pity her because (at least in my case) she truly believes that they are in love and everything will end happily ever after. Of course, she's overlooking the fact that I thought the same thing and look what happened to me. But she's obviously too ignorant to know it or in serious denial - in either case, I pity her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: newyork2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 12:09am
Dear, he said he was unsure when he was dating you, so he wasn't sure of loving you and wanting you to move in with him. His uncertainty materialized when you broke it off, that he didn't love you enough. ...he's now sure that he doesn't want to get back together with you. He's moved on to another relationship. It's possible that this new woman is his rebound, where he'll find what he didn't get when you two were dating.. After he's gotten over the rebound he'll move on to find a woman he's sure to love. It may not be you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
In reply to: newyork2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 4:51am

I am sorry Mr. New York

It must be very painful.

It seems clear, though, that you were not meant to be. You have to let go and just go through the pain.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are now free to find someone who is committed to you and not "unsure" like this man.

Take care

Kristina

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: newyork2004
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 10:53am

THank you so much for your postings. I know I have to let it go and stop trying to control uncontrollable. I hope with time my emotions will calm down, because still I feel very betrayed that he never had the guts to tell me the truth, to be honest with me. I understand that every couple has different dynamics and ours, probably were not the best, the most reassuring to each other, so on. Still hurts since he was a big part of my life, even with all the downs we had, and now it's gone -it's like a little death that I need to learn how to cope with...

Thank you so much!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
In reply to: newyork2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 2:17am

Hi NY,
I dont know if you have read some of the other replies that i did for some of the other ones, but you should read them..Your situation is a little similar to another post.

Here is what I think..You gave away a clue in your post in that you said he was always sure that he was unsure....HMMM, not good. That should be a red flag for you. You are a woman, and we know what we want and tend to let our emotions get the best of us, that is okay, keep your eyes opened though. He was unsure? Would you want to spend your future with him in a relationship that was uncertain? It is good that he went with the other chick in a way because if they are that quick to fall in love, there is some uncertainty there. They havent tackled the REAL issues. At least you and him had time to know each other..dont worry about him, let him do what he does. I guarantee it will bite him in the butt later.. Think about it..What if you moved in with him, you shared everything and in the back of his big head, he was unsure about things, and you got kicked out and he had your stuff on the porch due to his UNCERTAINTY? How big of a mess would you be feeling now? See what I mean.. Sometimes God will nip someting in the bud before it gets too big for you to handle. Remember God will never put anything on you that you cant handle.. You will be just fine. Look at what God prevented for you.. something that could have been a HUGE mess with an unsure man!!

Set your focus on being a better woman, believe that God has a good man out there with stable emotions and a stable and made up mind. You want a man that knows he wants to go and have steak when he wants steak and not be like, well, do i want steak or do I want bologna? or maybe I want fish...NewYork2004? I dont know what I want to eat can you decide for me, I am not sure!

No you dont want that, you want a real man with his mind made up. He wants you and he knows he wants you....Pray and ask God to repair your hurt and replace it with joy, and declare that you want a man that is man enough for you!!

Love,
Blessed12005

PS i love giving advice, if you or anyone else wants to email me personally, email me at blessedsingleone@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: newyork2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 11:07am

Thank you so much for your words. My head understands it perfectly, but my heart is still very hurt. I am just telling myself that it's a natural process and it will get better over time.

You know, I also wanted to say that I am catching myself on a thought that I don't miss him as much as memories of him. Not something about him, but rather our time together... Is that normal?

Thanks,

NY2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2005
In reply to: newyork2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 6:24pm

Hi NY,

Yes you are very much going through the normal process. I was the same way, my head was okay, but my heart was aching....that is all fine. And yes I have been there, where it is mostly the memories that you hang on to. I am a sucker for memories, good and bad. I tend to hang on to them. Let me tell you, sometimes that isnt good. Bc my ex had moved on and was dating someone else, and here I was cooped up in my room reminiscing on the times we had. Now when I look back on that time, I am like why did I waste time thinkin and remembering those times with him? He isnt. So what did i do NY? I made some new memories.

Yes your heart will hurt, and I will say, to you..look at those pictures, and remember all that stuff. Get it out of your system. I did the SAME thing. But overall, my ex wasnt worth a penny, he was a jerk..but I was so emotionally attached. NY, he has moved on, and it would give him the most satisfaction for him to know that you are sulking over him. So grieve, move on, and make some new and much better memories!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
In reply to: newyork2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 11:35pm
I had almost the same sotry..my ex and i broke up, he met his rebound girl, 20 years younger i may add--they moved in together 6 months later he was gone...I thought he realized he loved me.. we tried to get back together but after a month he told me that he thought that he needed to be be alone for awhile... he couldn't bting himself to love me like he did when we first got together....i think he just needs to be alone and grow the hell up...i have been back and forth with this man and sometimes his ex for the last two years...enough is enough..NY don't fall for the lies...life is to short and you only have one chance(that iknow of).... take this time for you... give yourself time to heal and when and if you feel like going out there and giving it another shot....do it with a healed heart..I am sure the girl that my ex was with loved him but he could not give her what she wanted or he would still be there...make sure your heart is empty of him before you move on... I am not going to hurt someone by not being able to give them %100 percent of my attention and affection..this is all still fresh for me ..we just officially broke up again July 10... I know that it will be some time for me and i am o.k. with that ...FOR NOW
Bye
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: newyork2004
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 6:13pm
thank you so much for your kind words. I still have ups and downs - one day I am perfectly fine, doing my things, smiling, living life, the other day it just hits me and I feel down. But with the help of this board, I really understand that it's a normal process and I started realizing that even that I am very vulnerable right now, thinking about what went wrong, just being sad for the loss, thinking about myself in the future... all these things help me be stronger. And I know that one day I will be all right and will be over him. I also observed that people who don't deal with their losses properly, burry all of their emotions inside and never resolve it (as you said, they can never give 100% of themselves to another person, since they never resolved their issues with the previous person). And the funny thing is, since there was no resolution, eventually they always come back to finish up the business (I yet to see exceptions to the rule), but by this time it will be too late for me, I will be on with my life...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
In reply to: newyork2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:07pm

Hello there my fellow NYer,

I know what you are going thru. My ex b/f and I were together for 2 years on and off and we broke up in February. Few days later he's in a relationship with someone else after telling me wasn't ready for one. I was completely heart broken and a total mess. I would cry every day and night and couldn't get him off my mind and wanted so badly to be with him. I held on to hope but now several months later I am doing a lot better. I see him here and there and we pretend to be strangers......it's sad because we had great moments and it hurts to think that we'll never share those moments again and he's creating new one's with someone else. But this is what he wanted, and he's clearly moved on with his life and with someone else and I refuse to still be pining over him. And you should do the same. There's lots of variety in NY.....go put yourself out there and have a ball. Go out and enjoy the rest of the summer with friends and just do for YOU!!
Trust me you will have your good days and bad ones, just take all the time you need to grieve and get over him and trust me you will. I promise---there is better out there and you need someone who will treat you the way you WANT to be treated. You DESERVE better than this....

Funny thing is...is that I know my ex b/f better than he thinks I do. I guess I'm in my angry stage right now but he was a fickle bastard--hot and cold...emotionally unavailable...filled with excuses....blah blah blah and I know he will be like that with her. He can't change over night. All the crap he's put me thru I'm sure she'll go thru it and in many ways I feel sorry for her.....

Just hang in there.....things will get better, you will eventually get over him and realize he was not worth one single tear....I was in your shoes not too long ago and I'm doing a hell of a lot better...just take it one day at a time and vent as much as you can here, we'll be here to help you thru.

Good Luck,
J

keep me posted on things

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