Help--3 months and counting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Help--3 months and counting...
1
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 3:25pm

Hi, everybody,

My commitmentphobic boyfriend of about a year (who was also extremely passive-aggressive) broke my heart 2-3 months ago (it's hard even to date it exactly, you know how that is), and I still can't get over it. I've read books on commitmentphobia and passive-aggression to try to understand that it was his problem and not my fault, that the relationship wasn't good for me, and yet I still miss him terribly and dream about him often. I've packed up his things and put them out of sight, tried to get involved in new interests, and even tried meeting men just to distract myself, but none of it is working. I still love my boyfriend and wish he'd come back, but I know that won't happen (and he wouldn't have changed even if he did come back). I hurts so much. I want to be happy again, or at least feel a LITTLE better, and I'm starting to think that I should be getting over it some 2-3 months later. I've seen a counselor and told her all of this, and she doesn't have any answers. Do any of you have ideas? I'm just heartbroken!! Thanks! Fauve2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:25pm
Your counselor doesn't have any answers b/c there are none to give. You cannot control your emotions, or make them go away at the snap of your fingers, you just have to acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and let yourself go through it all without becoming consumed by it (that's the line that I'm carefully treading right now). There is no "should" here. Some people are "over it" faster than others. I myself had only a 6 month relationship, w/2 month courtship tacked onto that, and know now that it will probably be well over a year before I am "over" this guy enough not to feel my gut twist and heart crack...or be so mad at him that I want to wring his neck and kill the horse he rode in on.