HELP!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
HELP!!!
7
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:55am
Hello everyone,

In may of this year, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I was with him in my undergrad days and we continued our relationship after univeristy. After 4 years of being together, I decided to go away, and while ona trip back home, we both agreed that we wanted to be engaged. I eventually returned home 2 months later.

My ex never finished his degree and in September of 2002, both he and I enrolled, him to finish his undergrad and me to start a post graduate diploma. After a year, I graduated and he did not. He claimed he had several courses to complete under new regulations. I started working and he saw me mainly when he picked me up to take me to work on his way to campus. He started fraternizing with the younger students in his class, he at the time being 27 and they 19/20/21. I also noticed that he was hanging out in the cafeteria all day instead of going to class and at the bar next to the university. When it came to my needs interms of functional needs he was there, but he was so distracted with his crowd that our relationship was suffering. He claims that he just was too busy with school to pay me enough attention.

Anyways my problem:- I love him. I didn't want to break up with him. But I started to feel like I was there because he was used to me. I asked him to decide whether were together out of convenience or love, he laughed and told me i was grumpy. The next time we spoke i was civil, he asked me if we were through and i said "I guess so".

He was mad at first, he didnt ask why, he just said have a nice life. Then he became more civil and said we had things to return. Stuff i left at his place and him at mine.

Soon after the break up, we discussed that we both had other issues to deal with, he was trying to graduate and find a permanent job and I was trying to do my masters and find a good job. We both were too distracted to focus on us. I guess i was still trying to be rational at that point. He told me he wanted to make up but not now. That wa sin May, its now October.

Since then we have slept together a few times, he has told me he loved me when i asked once on his own in a heated discussion, he has taken me out etc once in a while. I do not however feel any commitment. He gets annoyed when i bring up making up. He says I nag him.

He tells me where he goes, I don't ask really. If I need something he does it no more. Once in a while he offeres more. He still says he doesn't mind making up but not now.

Honestly it feels as if he is holding this thing over my head. He is still hanging out with his young people and doing the activities they do, they call him grandpa apparently. I am certain he gets a lot of attention from them. I feel they use him too to drive them around etc.

I have mixed feelings....

Should I be patient?

Is he holding on to me in case?

Shouldn't he have decided he wants me by now and said so?

He is not the talkative type, and I might be misinterpreting kind hearted gestures as gestures of potential commitmment.

He has said, he has up till now lived his life one day at a time, without me in it.

I feel like he has taken the break up and ran with it.

I am hurt diappointed that i didnt mean enough for him to fight. He said he not manipulating me to coming back, but i chose to try to work it out and he resists when i bring it up.

Please help me. My head hurts and I cannot find myself like everyone says i should be doing.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 10:29am
Hi iarista. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a limbo situation and those can be the most painful of all because you don't really know where you stand so you can't go forward.

I can't really speak to what's in his heart and mind because I don't know him. But I do hear your suffering, and feeling the pain you do on a daily basis is just no way to live. I think you're old enough to know where you stand with someone and to be going forward in a relationship, rather than just hanging out which sounds like you're doing.

He seems to be getting all the benefits of a committed relationship (sex and occasional companionship) without putting in any work. This would just drive me crazy.

I know you love this guy, but it just doesn't sound like he's treating you very well. If I were you I'd be really clear with him about what you want. If he doesn't want the same thing you want in the same time frame, you're just wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak further down the road.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:13am
Hello,

thank you iamdelightful for your post.

I talked to him today. He said we should talk. Somehow we ended up talking on phone. It lasted three hours. He told me he wanted to be with me but realized we both had to change before we could ever be together. Eventually we were going around in circles. Mainly cause of me I guess. after 3 hours he got upset and said he tired being roped in all the time like a dog on a leash, and I had three chioces. 1. be friends, 2 break up for good or three we want to make up but not now.


I dealt witht the whole thing really bad.

I feel so crappy.

I doh know what to do.

I in real pain still.

Then i continued to message him like a fool on msn first i told him i wanted to make up

then i told him i want to say goodbye.

I doh know what i want anymore.

I just wanted him to love me alone.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:20am
I think the last sentence of your post is an interesting slip:

I just wanted him to love me alone.

Did you mean I just wanted him to leave me alone? Or did you mean you wanted him to love you and no one else? Or did you mean his love made you feel alone?

Hang in there.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:47am
My bf and I agreed that we would like to make up hopefully once we have changed. He said that we didnt really break up and we should have a real break up. This was last week Thursday and he has since then messaged me on MSN like a normal friend and he called my cell the toehr night cause he was bored and he also asked me if I wanted to go movies this weekend!!!!!!!!!!

What should I do?

I want to make up with him but he doesnt want to get back together now. I am scared that if I don't go he will think I don't want him and find someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:29am
August of this year I broke up with my bf of 4 years. He moved out but we still acted as if everything was okay. Finally he hurt me again and I told him I was done. As I thought about it more and more I realized I love him and really wanted to make things work, but we both had alot of changing to do. He told me he didnt want a relationship (which killed me just knowing he didnt want to be with me in that way). He just wanted to be friends and see what happened from there. I told him I didnt know how to just be friends since we have had such an intimate relationship. So I fought it for a few weeks, but I finally realized I loved him so much that I would try being friends to get through this. After a week of this charade I couldnt handle it anymore. He was talking to other females and I was suppose to just sit there and act like it didnt bother me. He says he's not promising that we will get back together. I dont really want to keep talking to him if were not going to try and make this work. I know he wants his freedom, but what about my feelings. So on Sept 28th I told him I could just be friends and he said he didnt want anything more than that. So its been 2 weeks since we have talked. I dont know what to do. Do I keep going and take this as being the end? Or do I tell him I want to be friends and see what happens? I feel like if we remain friends its going to be more heartache down the road. Someone please give me some advice?
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:39am
Sounds to me like he just wants to play around. In my opinion you're in a romantic relationship or out of it. He wants it both ways. He wants all the benefits of having you around without having to be committed. If you can live with that, go ahead. I personally couldn't live with it.

I do think it's possible to be friends with exes but only after substantial healing has taken place. Usually that requires a lot of time ...

If you love him and you want to be his girlfriend, don't settle for anything less. It'll just make you feel bad about yourself.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:47am
You said:

I feel like if we remain friends its going to be more heartache down the road.

I have to agree with you on that one. Why would you want to choose the option that includes heartache? Let him go. Cut him loose. It sounds to me like what you really want is to be his girlfriend and to have working relationship. Being relegated to friend status and having to hear about his other love interests is just too painful in my opinion.