HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
HELP!
4
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:32pm
I just need to get my feelings out! I am in so much pain its unbearable...it is hard to believe anybody ever survives this. How do you move on when you have found the love of your life and then they are gone? I have been through a divorce and even that was not this hard. Am I just overreacting or is this intense agonizing gut wrentching pain normal? When does it subside? I saw my ex last night, I know he loves me as well, but he made it clear that there is no hope for us...I respect his honesty. But I don't understand why if we love each other so much we can't make it work, he doesn't understand or have the experience to know what we have I suppose (he is 7 years younger than me). Seeing him didn't make it worse for me, in fact it felt good to see him and hold him. We are such good friends and I have lost that as well. He still wants to see me on occasion, I don't know how I feel about this... how can I move on if I see him, I will continue to be in love with him. Why does he want to see me?

Thanks for listening.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ddinkle
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:00pm
Sometimes love just isn't enough. There are a lot of things that can cause a r'ship not to work out, even if the two people love each other. You can love someone, and still not be right for each other. Part of the grieving process is accepting that.

It may well be possible for you to reconnect as friends later, after you're completely over him, but you're right that you won't be able to get over him if you keep in touch.

He probably wants to keep in touch because he geniunely cares about you, but he's moved on emotionally (he went through the grieving process while deciding to break up with you, most likely), so he doesn't understand that you are not in the same place. Alternatively, he wants to be "friends" so he can not feel guilty about breaking up with you (because if you're willing to be friends, he must not be a bad guy!). Or he may want to keep his options open by staying in touch with you...but that is not something that helps YOU.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:22pm
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know a lot of people have told you this--it truly does get better with time. I think your instincts about not seeing your ex are right on. You need to detach so you can move on, heal and then move forward. Have you ever read "Mars and Venus Starting Over"? It's part of the "Men are from Mars. . ." series of books and deals specifically with break-ups/divorces, etc. If you haven't read it, don't bother. It has some good info, but most of it is available on the website www.marsvenus.com. Anyway, one thing I learned from reading it was about what they call the four healing emotions: fear, anger, sadness and sorrow. Hmmmm--they don't sound all that healing to me--especially anger. But you know what? One of the things that delayed my healing process when I broke up with my ex is the fact that I didn't get angry with him. Mostly because I was holding out hope that we would get back together. Anyway, you need to experience your emotions, take your time and grieve the loss of your relationship. I know it's really painful now, but a year from now you will be in a much better place.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:02pm
Yikes Love strucken blues! My first question to you is how long after your divorce did you start seeing this guy? Being that he is 7 years younger tells me that in some way after your divorce you felt like there was a huge waste of time factor in there. When a person falls out of a divorce or a commitment they had been into for a while- they dont find themselves attractive anymore in the sense of mens interests, they feel like they're out of the loop. When somebody finds that a younger man might have feelings for them, it just makes them feel great! You have to take a step backwards and tunnel your feelings and figure out what things make you attracted to him. Such as, usually, all of the characteristics your ex- husband was'nt. You always go to the opposite man that your x's were and if this "younger man" possessed those qualities its even more magnetic. You have to re-evalute the qualities he has as aposed to your ex- and there you will find your answer. There are more single men out there than woman- get on it! You are probroly very attractive- inside and out- ( inside which is most important in finding a valuble relationship) you should have no problem. However, he does sound imature in with the actions discribed to me. Do you want to baby sit or someone who's your equal? I hope I helped. stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: ddinkle
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:22pm
(((Hugs))) I’m soooo sorry you’re hurting!!! It’s tough having to end things when you still love the person so much. And I don’t feel that it’s fair to you for him to continue to see you when it’s causing you to take longer to heal. I know you’ve played around in the past with doing no contact and I think you should give it another go. I think it will help getting over him if you aren’t constantly talking to and seeing him. If after you’re both healed….you want to be friends-great, if not no big deal. No matter what you decide to do, we’re here to help and I wish you the best!!!
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