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| Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:37pm |
I haven't posted on this board in some time, because I thought the infection that invaded me (let's call him Tim) was under control.
Now I am so angry at being taken for a fool, I don't know what to do...For the 3 years we have been "dating" he's had a backup of the female version. She knew all about me, I was supposed to believe "she's crazy", or "she's obbessed (sp) or she's the "stalker".
Whatever. Whatever drives him to need more than one woman in his life is just too much drama, too much hassle, too much BS. Kicked him to the curb a week ago, and I know this is too soon to move on...but how to get over this overwhelming anger at myself...for being so blind...

Hi,
Forgiving yourself takes time just like the grieving process does.
Relationship Grieving Process
I'm sorry that happened.
Forgiving yourself is key in this. From an outside perspective, I can't understand why you would be upset and angry at yourself, I mean, you had no idea, correct? That's like blaming a child for not knowing or contrbuting to the cost of a ticket to a theme park, all they know is they want to go see Mickey ;) Ok, that was a weird analogy, but it's early and it does fit, after all. From an inside perspective, having gone through the anger of a divorce from a cheating husband long ago, I know where you're coming from. It's like, why didn't you see the signs? What, like you're supposed to go into a relationship being suspcious? No.
For the record, the fool is the one who stays and turns a blind eyes *after* they find this kind of thing out about their relationship. The fool isn't the one who takes her dignity and walks away when she's been wronged. You're not a fool.
There's another reading that will help you also on this board: ""Letting Go of Broken Relationships." It's in the resources folder and it's really very good.
At the bookstore or library, pick up the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Seriously, that tiny book will make a huge impact. The writing is at first a bit flowery, but you get used to it quickly and the message in it is so relevant to your situation. Actually, it's relevant anytime to anyone.
Best of luck,
Thanks for the responses...I appreciate it.
....."It will pass, and I come through this a stronger person...I just feel like I can't trust MYSELF, if that makes any sense. How could my judgement be SO wrong?".....
Good question, I may have to write a separate post on this one. How I *know* this feeling. When my ex broke up with me and told me the reasons why, it dawned on me the relationship looked quite different to him than it had to me. It came out of "left field" so to speak. I went through this exact same feeling that I was somehow deficient in my inability to "see" what was going on, I began to think he may have been the world's greatest liar (horrible thought), that maybe I needed help figuring out stuff that pretty much everyone else seemed to just "know." I felt less than, and it sucked. I was happy to find I was wrong on all counts: I wasn't deficient, he wasn't a liar, and I didn't need help finding my instinct, just practice in listening for it.
The truth is that all that is just noise coming from your head. It's just the random thoughts we as humans think up because we need to somehow always have a "reason" for everything, something, anything that will give us that "aha" moment and we can say, "Oh! Now I understand." We think life will be just peachy after we get that, and our brains keep coming up with why this and why that or maybe this or maybe that just trying to make sense if it all.
Let me save you months of heartache. Please. ..... After a ton of soul-searching and buckets and oceans of crying, I realized that my instincts were not "off," they were bang-on the entire time. What had happened is that I had chosen to ignore them, play them down, excuse them, not pay attention. In addition, sometimes you'll come across a person who is used to being very shut off from their own true feelings, so much so that they have become very accustomed to "hiding" them from the entire world around them. Not necessarily in a malicious way in each case, but they are very adept, for whatever reason in their background, to put away their own real feelings, and can express the feelings that they "think" one wants to hear.
You come across them much more often than you realize now, these can be equally the people-pleasers or the narcissists, the ones who don't know how to express themselves, or the ones who keep themselves hidden from the world, they are the entertainers or they are the loners, they are the ones with basement-level self-esteem, or the ones with delusions of grandeur. All walks of life, all backgrounds, all different roles in your life. Regardless, their reasons for doing so usually have little to nothing to do with you. If your "gut" never triggers, it's because they're very good at what they do, AND they don't pose a real threat to you at the time.
This is NOT to say you should go around mistrusting people. It IS to say that you can only accept at face-value. There's nothing else you can do, it'd be too much to keep track of otherwise, damn near impossible. Those who mistrust are actually trying to do that, which is why they're so very unhappy in general. You HAVE TO trust your instinct and just *know* that if and when you are in true danger, your gut will tell you. You also know for a fact that if you feel wronged, you will take measures to take yourself out of that situation. Kudos to you for that because some people don't know how to go about that last part. They'll keep going back for more pain, hurt, punishment or anguish. You won't. You're well ahead of the game.
So it's ok to let this go, I promise. You don't have to think you're deficient, you're not. Your defense mechanism kicked in absolutely and unequivocally when the time was right, you heeded and took action, and that's exactly as it should be.
Best,
Thanks for your insight, sandradee.