Help! Abusive Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2010
Help! Abusive Husband
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 10:21am

Here's the deal-husband and I have a joint account for our paychecks.  He has been emotionally and verbally abusive over the years and I want to leave. He has thrown things "in my direction", latest being half a banana and once a remote control and once a manual can opener.  He calls me names like "idiot" and if I don't agree with him on something trivial he tells me to "F-off." He is controlling and nickel and dimes me. Daily, he looks at out accounts online to see activity. 

I want to leave but the abuse center I contacted said to move out when he is not home. FIrst off, we both work.  He works from home some days, some scheduled some are not so it's very unpredictable.  Secondly, I have only a few hundred dollars stashed and that is not nearly enough for a deposit on an apartment.  The abuse center said don't move my money until just before I leave but I told them I cannot leave without money.  They did not have anything to advise me to do about this!  I have direct deposit for my paycheck and it takes about a month to switch accounts. 

I have health issues that limit my physical energy so packing and leaving in ONE DAY is so overwhelming to me!  I make less than $40K and he makes about four times this!  I don't want to leave all my possessions that I had before we married with him, and I want to take some basic furniture items.  I married late in life (mid-30's) and we have been married 15 years and have a teenage daughter. He treats her badly as well. 

I don't have a strong support system - parents are elderly and sickly, siblings spread out, not really any close friends to speak of.  I can't even get away to attend the support group I want to go to because he will question my whereabouts.

I NEED SOME ADVICE, POSSIBLY FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION. I don't know where to start to make my "escape."Cry


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 7:49pm


How are you doing? We haven't heard from you to hear if you are ok. I hope you check in with us soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 3:08pm

Like other people have have a joint acct so as long as you take half...its legal. This is what I would do..first go and check yourself in for a 1 night stay at a hotel during the day, then call a storage place the SAME day and see what you need to do to start storing your belongings in one of their places...possibly how much it would cost you if you start THAT day... get a moving company to see if they can move your stuff out of your home THAT day...and then if you can get a moving company to move out your stuff THAT day...then meet them there at the house along with the police whom you would have called to explain the situation.As long as you have the police there while you're moving your stuff out...that piece of crap will not be able to do ANYTHING!! The trick though is to line up all of these things in 1 DAY! Now obviously in order for you to pull this need to call in sick to work and MAKE sure that they DON'T call you to check up on you at all because that would blow everything. That's why you would need to check into the motel so he would think that you're at work.

He has made sure you don't have any friends to rely on to do this BUT you can STILL do it!! This plan will work for you because don't have anymore time to waste!! If you can afford to live at a cheap motel for awhile and pay storage for your things for will be ok.Good Luck!

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 8:34pm


Thanks Mama!




Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 6:46pm

Hi Justme, it pains me to see you in this situation.  I know this may not seem like much, but you are not alone and there are many of us out here who have lived, know, and understand your situation, and who have managed to break free and rebuild their lives.  I would like to extend an invite to you to come join us on the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse board.  It's located on this channel under the Crisis Resources heading.  There you will find people who understand and have lived the complex dynamic that is domestic abuse.  You will find people who have triumphed in the face of over whelming odds.  You will find people who have BTDT and can give good, solid feedback about what worked for them and how they did it.  This is an amazingly supportive board with people who have been where you are and are willing to reach out a hand and offer you their experience, strength, and hope.  The board's main foci are EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION, and PERSONAL EMPOWERMENTWithout a firm foundation in these two things, leaving an abusive relationship is much, much harder and more fraught with pitfalls.  Unless you and/or your children (can't remember if you have children) are in imminent danger, we recommend quiet, careful planning to make your escape from the abuser.  In order to provide your attorney with the best ammunition you can to help you get all that you DESERVE  from the abuser, you must provide documentation.  Begin by collecting and making copies of all the important documents that you have, such as mortgages, deeds to jointly owned or singly owned property, copies of his check stubs, the bank statements showing how much and how often he deposits, records of your expenses, life insurance policies, pension paperwork, copy of your marriage license, you get the picture.  Secure these documents out of and AWAY from your home in a secure location, perhaps in a locked file cabinet at work.  That way, when you go to your very first attorney's visit, you will have it all with you and things will proceed much more quickly and smoothly, thereby saving you a lot of money on attorney's fees.  Also, quietly and carefully gathering this documentation while still with him will enable you to gather it without him suspecting you are making plans thus triggering him to start hiding assets, etc, etc.

Contact your local domestic abuse agency about developing a safety plan to have in place while you are making your preparations.  This is vitally important to you safely and permanently leaving.  If, at any time, the situation changes and physical violence, intimidation tactics appear, you will have it ready to put into action.  Please take the time to come to the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse board.  We have TONS of info to offer on the board's webpages.  Good luck, hang in there and don't give up the faith.  If you want out of this life, THERE IS A WAY, and together, we will help you figure it out.  My best to you.  Stay safe.

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 2:22pm
I had trouble accessing the Crisis Information but the Community Website is working...
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 2:12pm


Everyone here has given you great advice!

If you are in immediate danger you can call 911.

Check out DV shelters where you live...they can help you!

Important Resources for Domestic Abuse

Fri, 11-02-2012 - 12:15pm

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE. Please also check out our Crisis Information & Community Website.

Comments are currently closed
  • Options
Edited by: cmjenas on 11-30-2012

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 1:34am

I fully agree with the others. The first thing you need to do is find a good divorce lawyer and get some legal advice. He/she will be able to recommend to you the best way to proceed with getiing out in an abuse situation. Now IF you are in fear of him physically abusing/attacking you or your daughter I would then look at getting away from him ASAP. I had a friend in this situation a long time ago and she had to take the kids and go live in a family shelter for a while until she could find a safer place to go and prepare for serving him divorce papers. You may want to start checking into whether there are any family shelters in your area just in case the abuse escalates. My friends husband was also very controlling in that he monitored her spending and whereabouts all the time and was mean to her and the kids. She didn't leave until the first time he smacked her in the face. Plan you escape route carefully and quickly before this situation gets any worse. Good Luck

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 10:25pm


First of all you need legal advice. Find an experienced divorce attorney and pay them their hourly fee to find out your rights and responsibilities if you decide to file for divorce. One question you should ask is your right to remove your property from the maritial home WITH police present, if you feel this is necessary.

I'd also advise you to set up a sole-owned bank account, at a different bank, and start switching your direct deposit ASAP. If it takes a month, you've got 30 days to get your act together and get moving. I'd also start gathering and copying tax returns, bank statements, loans, insurance policies, credit card statements, utility bills, mortgage statements, paystubs (his and yours) and any other documentation of income and expenses. Get a safe deposit box or ask someone you trust to hold these for you. DO NOT leave them in the maritial home. Get and keep your SSN card in a safe place, too. 

Decide what you can leave behind if you need to leave in a hurry. Pack some clothes, toiletries, and your documents, SSN card, and emergency cash, vehicle, gas, etc. 

Make sure you have a safe place to go before you leave - and keep quiet about where that is. For some reason, alot of abused spouses TELL their abuser where they are going. DON'T! Unless you have kids, you have no obligation to inform your husband where you are going.

Again, the first and most important thing you must do is get legal advice. Don't assume anything and don't rely on one source of info. Be sure you understand what you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 6:45pm

Please go check out the Crisis Resource link.   There is a wealth of info and some really great support.  I wish you well.  You are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 5:46pm

I love everyone's responses to you so far and yes when you get a chance go over to the DV boards.. The community leader over there has experience in this and she will give you excellent choices for you to make decisions and what your options are.

When I left my abusive Ex I went to the bank and withdraw half of the money in our joint account and went to stay in a hotel.. Yes; like Music said it is perfectly legal and I was very fortunate in that after that a friend took me in for almost two years but that is what I did.

I would def. get that restraining order and do not tell your husband anything..nothing at all..