Help! Broken hearted and confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Help! Broken hearted and confused!
3
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 9:52pm

Hello... I need advise and the truth from anyone who has been in this same situation (or im my words CRISIS). My boyfriends of 2 years broke up with me about 1 month ago... We had a falling out one night and basically in the morning he decieded that he (in his words) "couldn't do this anymore" and "wasn't ready to give me the commitment that i want" and "he's too young for a marriage type relationship" (For the recorded we're both 23 and i have NEVER asked for a ring or marriage). About a year ago he pulled this same crap about committment and that we needed a break but our break wasn't a real break cause we were seeing each other everyday and acting like we're "together".... but we patched things up and everything was going smoothly until about a month and a half ago. I found out some stuff that that made him look like he had cheated on me or had some sort of intentions to cheat on me... I confronted him and he said that "nothing happend".... Long story short i forgave him cause i love him and i wanted our relationship to work.. I don't know what exactly happened but after this our relationship went down hill... we broke up twice in the month of May... the second time it was offical we're done... The problem is that i'm not over him and i know he still loves me... He tells me... He still calls me even though i tell him i can't be friends cause it hurts too much.... He does nice things for me.. like..picks me up from my house to drive me to work at 8am cause my car is in the repair shop and he has the day off so he could sleep in.... or another example picks me up on my lunch break to drive me to go pick my car up and takes me out for lunch... he still holds my hand and gives me, kisses me and hugs me and tells me he misses me and how beauitful i'm.... We went about two weeks with out seeing each other or talking to one another cause i had told him not to call me and the one time he did i was totally unemotional and cold on the phone.... The only reason why we started talking again is that he saw me get picked up from work by a friend and we were in the car right behind him.. (we drive have the same routes to work) So he called me later that day... and i answered... again he offered to drive me to pick my car up from the repair shop.. (the month of May was nothing but car problems) I wanted to see him cause i missed him so much.. It was about a 45 min drive to the shop where my car was and he held my hand and told me that he thinks about me all the time and always looks for me on his way to work... After i got my car he offered to take me for dinner.. when we were at the resturante he couldn't keep his hands off me.. kisses, hugs the works...After dinner we sat in the car and talked about "us" for about an hour and a half.. and it was the same story... he can't give me the commitment that i want, everyday our relationship got more and more serious, he's too young to be in a serious marriage relationship.... He wants us to stay friends and hang out and talk on the phone still.. I ask him when are we going to get back together and he says not in the near future.. I keep telling him that we can't be friends there are just WAY too many emotions... I bawled my eyes out that night on his shoulder... and i just keep thinking HOW THE HECK IS HE NOT HURTING AS MUSH AS I AM? He tells me he has a lot of feelings for me still and he still loves me but he's not ready for a comittment.... What kills me is that we were together for 2 years!!... How can you not be ready for a commitment? How can you love someone but not want to be with them? I know he's never cheated on me before... He's not a sluty guy.. I'm his frist love and his frist "real" girlfriend.. He's also my first love and my first "real" boyfriend..... So we didn't talk for a couple of days until i ran into him at the bar last night.... I tried so hard to wave and smile and carry on with my night but i was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.. he called me over and we chatted and laughed.. He was all touchy feely and had his arms around my waist kissing my hand, my cheek and infront of his friends total PDA... he bought me some drinks and then the night ended and he drove me home.. we'll one thing lead to another we had sex in his car... it was nice but it's also so wrong!... My question is what the hell is up with him... Is it true when a guys says that he can't give you the commitment that you want.. but is apperantly in "love" with you and still has strong feelings towards you..Or is that just some lame excuss that guys tell girls to make them feel better? He still makes the effort to help me out whenever i need it.. I just need to ask and he'll be there
no question about it... I'm just so confused... I don't know what happened.. I know he loves me I can tell by the way he looks at me... Do i stay friends with him? Do i give him time to realize that he had a good thing? I'm just scared that he's gonna meet someone eles and i'm gonna get hurt all over again cause i'm just hanging around... In the past month i have met a couple of really nice guys but i'm not over the ex... One guy is really nice he doesn't live in the same town as i do we met through friends but i would want something to come of it if i was able to move on.... I don't want to hurt him.. I don't know what to do... My friends all tell me to move on and forget about him... My favorite line "there are plenty of fish in the sea... You can do better" It's different if you have actually been in a situation like mine.. We have something different between us... Or maybe i'm in a fantasy land and i need a reality check!!! I don't know... I just don't know what to do or what to think.. Please give me your advise... I really need it...




Edited 6/28/2005 12:16 pm ET ET by kristina_82
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 1:12pm

Its confusing when your ex is sending such mixed messages and keeping you hanging on. He isn't hurting as much as you are because he really hasn't given up anything - he still gets to see you when he wants to, talk to you whenever he wants to, and have sex with you when he wants to. The only thing that has changed for him is that he isn't commited to you and is free to see other people.

Please try to cut off contact with him - no car rides (I'm sure you have someone else that can help you), no phone calls, no more hooking up. The longer you keep in contact with him the harder it will be for you to get over him. Maybe once you are truly out of his life he will realize what he lost, maybe not - maybe by the time he does you will already be happy with someone else.

As for having something "different" or "special" - that is the way everyone feels when they are in a relationship with someone they love. Those feelings are heightened when we get dumped - "how could they not realize what we had, why doesn't he see we are perfect for each other..." Yes, you had something special, but you will have something special with someone else too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 6:55pm

Hi there,

I'm kind of going through the same thing you are, at the 1 1/2 year mark though. Please take the advice of the other post, purpleshoes. It's the best thing for your mental health. I wish I could be strong and take it, but either he or I keep going back and it's more anguish every time. I feel totally insecure about everything now...which I'm sure you do, b/c you're not his girlfriend now, but he's kind of acting like you are, with no strings. You deserve better than that. I know it hurts, but do it NOW, before you get hurt any more.

Take care,
K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 10:34pm
I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up and I know it's hard to deal with especially when
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