help in dc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
help in dc
6
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:30am

Hello. My name is David and I have just recently been "dumped" the day after Christmas. Now, let me tell yo that I deeply love this woman. After 3 years, I was finally allowed to share one of the holidays with her family. It was the first time "J" pushed to have me share a holiday with them. Anhyway, needless to say, she hasn't been "in love" with me for a while. Though she tells me that I am a wonderful man and her best friend, she cannot be with me. Now, I don't think she has another person in mind. I truly respect her and hope that is not the case. After consoling with several friends, I keep being told that I must push forward. That I have a lot going for me, education, a great job, in great physical shape, financially stable, yada, yada, yada.

But I want to call her.... I want to reach out and tell her that we can work through this. But the porblem is that though we spend every moment together, our "romantic" life is not a roaring flame. I think there is more to it, but I refuse to face it. I truly believe that she does not love me. I also believe that her disfunctional family (parents had serious issues with affection) has resulted in my failure to reach into her heart. She is a great person. But it wasn't until this year that she told me she loved me. There is so much more. We are also almost 9 years apart, she 31, I 40. But she says this isn't a problem. She is very attractive and intelligent.

But I write to ask a couple of questions. Do I reach out? Do I tell her how I feel? Or am I just barking up the wrong tree? How do I proceed in the next few weeks? Several months? I would appreciate anyone's input.
Thank you all in advance.
Help in DC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:16pm

HI David,


I'm very sorry you're goign through this pain, especially at the holidays.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:53pm

How did she leave it with you? Does she want to be friends? Did she say to never call?

If she's open to a call, you could ask once (put the ball in her court) - "I'd like to go to cousneling with you to find out what went wrong and to possibly rekindle our love to make things better, would you be willing?"

Reading material:
Relationship Rescue, Dr Phil (If you think there is a possiblity of working it out)
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman (for this relationship or the next)


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:06pm

Hi David,

I just wrote this long-winded reply and my computer died, so I will try to rephrase. Your post made me cry, as it sounded a lot like my ex and me. We are basically the same ages, also a 9-year difference, successful, attractive, educated, etc. That doesn't mean squat when you are hurting. He dumped me on Christmas, which was the first time that we spent Christmas with my family. It sounds like your relationship had a lot more going for it that ours did, but still it hurts.

I don't think that the age thing affected us at all, except that we were both old enough to be somewhat set in our ways. This makes change a lot harder, I think, especially emotional change. Like your love, I have struggled with affection for years. My ex was generally a good man and tried so hard to help me through it. I hated having to learn how to show love with the man I wanted to marry -- why wasn't there a guinea pig I could practice on? Ultimately, he showed me a lot, and I was ready to change. I got some self-help books, cried my eyes out a lot, etc. I was finally able to tell him that I loved him. Walking up and saying this or giving him a kiss was so hard. But I did love him and always will. So I wouldn't necessarily say that she doesn't love you. She may just not know how to show it. He comes from a very affectionate family, so my ways of showing love, mostly through baking or giving small gifts, were bizarre to him. I would look back at her behavior -- did she show signs of love in other atypical ways? I feel that she must have loved you on some level, but that there was miscommunication. Sometimes I felt my love for him was hitting a brick wall.

In our last argument before we broke up, my ex gave me the fortune from a fortune cookie that he'd just eaten, and it said "I would rather attempt something great and fail than attempt to do nothing and succeed." There came a point in my life when I realized career and lack of affection was not all that it was cracked up to be. But getting past that was a different story. So, I tried and gave it my all and perhaps failed. But I am a better person for it. If she has it in her heart to work on her issues, then I think that's wonderful and maybe things could work for you. The ball is in her court. You can't force her to change. She has to want to see that her behavior is caused by something (her family, perhaps) and that it is doing her a great disservice.

My heart says for you to call her and tell her you want to reach out and help her if she wants that. I don't know how things ended with her. But my head says to maybe just call and say you're there if she wants to talk. I don't think I'd go way beyond that at this point. But if she's receptive, let her know of your concerns and that there is a better life out there for her if she can open herself up to it. I hope that things go tremendously well for both of you, whether you are together or apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 6:17pm

Wow, thank you so much for replying. To answer the first email, she didn't say whehter or not to call. She called me when she arrived in FL to let me know she arrived safely... a voice mail. And that hopefully we could talk later. I haven't received a phone call in these two days.

To the other person with the similar situation of being 9 years apart and finding it difficult to display affection. thank you as well. I think that was a major problem. However, at the moment I am at a different point. I believe she has given up on us. She said I was a wonderful man. This is an email I sent to Sarah who is on this website giving advice.

I know that I need to move on. Just a bit of what has been going on:

I know that I am not the easiest guy to get along with. I am latino and a Naval Officer... two characteristics of stubborness and wanting things a certain way. But these past three years I had spent with a woman who I know has had emotional baggage with parents who were not affectionate. I was finally able to get Jen to tell her parents that she loved them, the actual words "I love you." She said it felt great. She has told me she loved me but I could probalby count the times she has told me that in these past 3 years. I still think she truly loved me, cared for me. I spent the last two years renovting her home to make her happy. I always cooked dinner and ensured we shared it together with wine and many times with candlelight. We always did the couple things, went out to dinner, danced (even during the Christmas break when her family was here). She has told me that I am a wonderful man and has thanked me for everything.

The difficulty is trying to understand how can someone who thinks they are with a wonderful man willing to give them every ounce of their heart, turn around and leave them? Why not work on the issues? Get help? Am I fooling myself? She is currently in Fl... we were supposed to be there together at her girlfriend's house. I canceled my trip becuase of the occurences. She returns on the 1st. Before she left, someone had unseccussflully failed to break into her house. I dropped everything and went to check on her and console her. We held each other tightly and for one second I thought things were going to be all right. I stayed the night holding her and took her to the airport. I asked her to give us some time. Not to give up yet. That I know deep inside that this will work out. I was destined to make it work. I realize that it takes two. And if she is not on board, there is no hope.

So, do I call her. Do I meet with her when she returns and discuss my thoughts? Do I just leave her alone and hope that she will contact me? I am not 100% sure of where and if I screwed something up, or if she had never truly loved me. But it truly hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 7:53pm

Agh!

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: davidindc
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:10pm

Sandra, thanks for the book recommendation. I read the reviews on Amazon, and it sounds great. My ex and I definitely speak different languages. Part of it is because I do have a fear of opening myself up (something I am working on and that he was helping me with) and the other part is just that we were raised in totally different environments. His family didn't have a lot of money and had to be really close literally in order to survive. And he is sort of still in survival mode. I grew up in a very loving family, but I was abandoned and adopted as a baby, and this has caused me endless stress. My parents have always loved me unconditionally, but it's hard for me to feel. And my mom's language of love is definitely gifts and doing nice things (acts of service). And I "inherited" that. So we both had love but had other issues to deal with that we are still battling. And our love for one another was strong but I think we both felt unappreciated. We tried so hard, why couldn't the other one see it? We hit what I thought was a breakthrough a while ago when I explained that my showing of love was different. His mom helped with this explaining that it took her a long time to get his dad to open up but that patience and understanding helps. We created signals for each other when one of us really needed the other. Sadly, these failed. But I do think it was a good idea. When I think of how far both of us have come, I can't be too upset (though I am!). Part of what I thought made us special was that we'd battled so much and gotten through it to become successful. But I think that's also a problem -- this feeling that you have to prove that you are worthy of having gotten out of a bad place.

David, I am so sorry you are going through this, especially because you've tried so hard. Regardless of what happens, I hope that you feel really good about having helped her come this far. You may never realize what you did for her. Even though I am mad at my ex for saying mean things and breaking up with me, I am so grateful for all he did. Since she said she would talk to you later, she may have tried to put the ball in your court. I would maybe call her, with the understanding that she really needs to start working on herself independent of you. It's not fair to you to be there to fix everything for her. Compassion and listening is good, but you can't be the one to actually pick up the pieces. Plus, I think that in order to heal, the wounded person needs to be proactive about that. Take care.