help with destructive behavior
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help with destructive behavior
| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 10:54pm |
Hi,
This is the first time I have posted, but I could use some help. About ten months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. We broke up because he no longer saw a future with me, this after three years together and the marriage talk. Anyway, I could accept that, it hurt but if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be. Well three weeks after we broke up he began seeing this other girl, about two months after that they moved in together. (The reason I know this is because we work together and word gets around). They didn't have a very good relationship and before long he was back with me. I still love him and was willing to let him back into my life because he told me that he still loved me and I made him feel good about himself and our relationship meant a lot to him. We never offically got back together but we were spending a lot of time together and it seemed like only a matter of time before we had that talk and tryed to work things out. Well about two months ago another girl we work with began sending him emails, flirting with him and before long she was his girlfriend and I was just a pleasant memory.
Once again, I was kind of shocked and hurt by his destertation, but it wasn't completely unexpected. If he really wanted to be with me and knew that what we had was special he would of worked harder at getting it back.
Since he has been with this girl he is trying to maintain a friendship with me. I have been open to this idea because I do want to have a friendship with him and I respect him a lot. However, I do not respect his relationship with his new girlfriend because by his own admission he doesn't see it lasting and as soon as he stops has fun he is going to break up with her. This lack of respect leads me to my problem. I am still really attracted to him and he is to me. Whenever we get together we start off talking about normal friends stuff but we always end up talking sexually towards one another. I don't want our relationship to be this way and I try to steer the conversation away from this topic but we always end up turning each other on. We have never done anything and he hasn't cheated on his girlfriend, and we both know it's not the best thing to do, but it seems that neither one of us has the power to stop it. I don't think that he wants me back and it would take a lot to get me to go back to him, but we have both admitted that we are leaving the door open to getting back together in the future. My question is this, should I try to continue haveing a frindship with him or should I just tell him that we can't be friends? My heart tells me that I should just close the door completely on him because I am just going to end up heartbroken and alone, but I think that a friendship with him could be possible. I do still love and he claims to love me still and that I am the only person who get's him. I see that my behavior with him is very self-destructive, I just don't know how to stop it. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
This is the first time I have posted, but I could use some help. About ten months ago my boyfriend broke up with me. We broke up because he no longer saw a future with me, this after three years together and the marriage talk. Anyway, I could accept that, it hurt but if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be. Well three weeks after we broke up he began seeing this other girl, about two months after that they moved in together. (The reason I know this is because we work together and word gets around). They didn't have a very good relationship and before long he was back with me. I still love him and was willing to let him back into my life because he told me that he still loved me and I made him feel good about himself and our relationship meant a lot to him. We never offically got back together but we were spending a lot of time together and it seemed like only a matter of time before we had that talk and tryed to work things out. Well about two months ago another girl we work with began sending him emails, flirting with him and before long she was his girlfriend and I was just a pleasant memory.
Once again, I was kind of shocked and hurt by his destertation, but it wasn't completely unexpected. If he really wanted to be with me and knew that what we had was special he would of worked harder at getting it back.
Since he has been with this girl he is trying to maintain a friendship with me. I have been open to this idea because I do want to have a friendship with him and I respect him a lot. However, I do not respect his relationship with his new girlfriend because by his own admission he doesn't see it lasting and as soon as he stops has fun he is going to break up with her. This lack of respect leads me to my problem. I am still really attracted to him and he is to me. Whenever we get together we start off talking about normal friends stuff but we always end up talking sexually towards one another. I don't want our relationship to be this way and I try to steer the conversation away from this topic but we always end up turning each other on. We have never done anything and he hasn't cheated on his girlfriend, and we both know it's not the best thing to do, but it seems that neither one of us has the power to stop it. I don't think that he wants me back and it would take a lot to get me to go back to him, but we have both admitted that we are leaving the door open to getting back together in the future. My question is this, should I try to continue haveing a frindship with him or should I just tell him that we can't be friends? My heart tells me that I should just close the door completely on him because I am just going to end up heartbroken and alone, but I think that a friendship with him could be possible. I do still love and he claims to love me still and that I am the only person who get's him. I see that my behavior with him is very self-destructive, I just don't know how to stop it. Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

That is a tough situation... I guess that's why office romance sometimes gets a bad reputation!
Hello there,
My situation is different from yours, but quite similar, so I get where you are right now. What I would do, I would talk to him about it. Tell him that you would like to be friends but that for you, friends do not keep talking about sex and turning each other on. If he values your friendship, he should respect that. Also, I know a friend of mine who became friends with her ex, but they had a couple of months in between the relationship and the friendship where they didn't talk much. That brought their attraction to each other to a lower level.
About the fact that you do not like his new relationship, well, usually, friends don't judge friends, but do thell them what they think about what they're doing. Tell him you don't think it's okay to "play" a girl like that. Just be aware that you probably have left-over feelings for him and that may be why this is bothering you.
Anyway, this is just my modest opinion, hope I helped,
annie