Help - Don't want to call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Help - Don't want to call!
10
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:46am

I just need a little support. My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago. I haven't spoken to him since then. I returned his things to his house five days after the breakup (he wasn't home), and at my request, he returned mine the next day. He left me a note with my things saying how he was so sorry for being a jerk, he loved me even though he could understand me not believing that from his recent actions, he felt like he was hurting me and didn't want to hurt me any more so he left, etc.

Anyway. I am fighting the urge to email him or call him right now. I haven't contacted him since he broke up with me. (he hasn't attempted to contact me, either)

I don't want to set myself back. But part of me wants to send a friendly email and say hello. I know this sounds stupid, but I guess that I don't want him to think that I am holding any bad feelings toward him. I have no idea why I would care if he thought I was mad at him or not. I know that contacting him would not be the best thing for me to do. It would most likely only make me feel worse after emailing. I just need support right now to get me past this urge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 10:25am

Hi kj,

IMO, I don't think it would be a good idea for you to contact him. It will only set you back. I know what you are going thru, I was in your shoes a few months back. After my ex b/f broke up with me, I emailed him a few weeks later to say "hello" and see how he was doing. I wanted him to know that although we were no longer together, I still cared and wasn't upset with him. Waiting for his response killed me and when he did respond of course it wasn't what I had hoped he would say. He was very nonchalant and could have cared less. I only felt like a fool afterwards for being so weak. It's best to have no contact. I'm not saying your ex b/f will do the same, but if he wanted to contact you he would have.

You will have urges....I did--all the time. It will past eventually. Just take it one day at a time. People on this board told me whenever I felt like contacting him, just come on this board and vent...maybe that will help you.

Stay strong, you will come thru this a stronger person, it just takes time. Trust me, I've been there. And several months later, I'm doing a lot better. Those urges to contact my ex are gone...memories of him are fading, the tears aren't there anymore, and my heart is finally mending.

Hang in there.

Hugs to you.
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:20pm

Hi KJ

Don't do it, I was feeling the exact same way. I wanted to, and I didn't want to. The urge to call and let them know you are really ok with everything will go away. I still want to sometimes, but just keep in mind the email reply you got from him. Your will feel a lot better and more in control if you don't.

I come to these boards, and one person on here told me, not to think that I can NEVER call, I just can't call today. I got past this urge to call him and let him know I am ok, I don't care what he does, and all of that stuff.......hang in there, it will go away. It's going on 4 weeks for me now of NC, and he has not tried to contact me either. You will get there, one day at a time.

hugs to you
Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 4:44pm

Hi KJ

I know EXACTLY how you feel and I was you. Back in March, after about 5 weeks of NC whatsoever I caved and made contact . I wrote him a letter that discussed how I had loved him so much and understood why we couldn't be together but that he will always and forever be in my heart.

He called, we got together and then got back together. It wasn't a good idea because NOTHING had changed in our relationship to make it better. We just missed eachother and missed being a "we" that we both clouded the issue and skipped what really mattered - what was wrong between us. We hardly approached it and he didn't change and within another 3 weeks he broke up with me AGAIN. Then we got back together and finally we broke up about a month ago.

NC is so hard and its even harder when you still love that person and they are strong in your heart. But contact between exes isn't very good, no matter WHAT. Its confusing and inevitably one person feels stronger toward the other and gets hurt or is forced to pretend they aren't hurting.

You should take a deep breath. Nothing any of us tell you will make up you mind, I know this from experience. But what I also know is that things got worse and worse between my ex and I. And each breakup and each time we got back together became a stresser for one of us and always ended in a bad bang to me. This final time was IT, but if you have even a TWINGE of understanding why the two of you are NOT a good couple for and with eachother, stay strong and stay away. Useless baggage is heavy and it will make your heart hurt.

All my best,
isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 8:22am

thank you so much for your responses.

Isa - yes, your situation was very similar to mine. My ex actually broke up with me in...May. He is 38, I am 34. Neither one of us has ever been married. He told me when he broke up with me the first time that he had issues that he *knew* that he had to work out. That nothing was my fault, that it was him and he needed to do some thinking about what he could change to make both of us happy in life, because he truly did love me and want to be with me.

He called me four days after he broke up with me. Said he loved me, wanted me in his life, wanted to work on things. I agreed, but only after discussing the issues that had broken us up in the first place. I thought we had come to a resolution on those things. He was wonderful to me for about three/four weeks. Then I started sensing that he was struggling with something again. I felt on edge all of the time. Like he was making some kind of decision in his head about me and him without even discussing any of it with me. And he would be a little short toward me on a few occassions. And that was not like him at all. And, he would keep telling me that he was going to do a certain thing, but he never followed through.

We had an argument (our first, believe it or not) about three weeks ago, and he broke up with me again. I do not think it was over the argument. I think it was something that had been on his mind and the argument was just an excuse to make it easy for him.

We haven't spoken since then. Part of me thinks/wishes that he is remembering that we really did care about each other. And part of me just wants to let go and move on. Although that is hard, considering something in me keeps thinking - maybe he will want to come back. But I know he won't. So, I will try to keep staying strong. I have a ton of things to be so thankful for, so I am really trying to keep focusing on those things.

Thank you so very much for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 9:29am

I dont know if this is going to help, but DO YOU WANT HIM BACK? Its unfortunate but people do not change and it ISN'T ABOUT YOU that he is being inconsistent and insecure about this relationship. In my experience, it only got worse.

My ex and I did try to work out what was wrong between us but I think I really enjoyed the status quo - the times that where alright BUT I always felt on edge, like he was about to snap. It started and never ever stopped.

Dont stay in this relationship for another 5 years and then realize this. Go out and date because this isn't the only guy for you.

That is another problem about breakups - its hard for BOTH parties. I'm SURE he still loves you but I am also sure that he thinks something isn't quite right between you. If you think about it hard and clear you may see that too. TRUST IT and dont let him string you along.

Stringing along is like this natural byproduct of a breakup when both people still love eachother. The breakee just wants back and the breakor hasn't let go because he/she doesn't yet have to. ITS THE WORST situation and in the end, you still end up alone.

Being in love is like not being able to imagine your life without that person. Whenever someone breaks up with another person, for whatever reason, they DO IMAGINE THEIR life without the other and part of them is alright with that.

I hope this is helpful.

-isa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 11:49am
I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my commitment phobic boyfriend of 2 years just this past Friday & we have had no contact since. It's so hard and I want to call so bad. We broke up one time before & he ended up calling me 3 weeks later, but this time I don't think he will. It really hurts to think that he just doesn't care, even though he told me on Friday that he is in love with me. He was married before and his ex-wife cheated on him. He says I am ahead of him, but he told me the same thing 6 months ago. I just didn't think I could wait any longer, even though I love him more than anything. Hang in there. I remember from the last time, that it gets easier or you just get used to it. (((HUGS)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 12:55pm

thank you. :-) My best wishes to you, too.

I feel the same as you. I know my ex won't call again. He already broke up with me twice. I feel like the period from when he came back to me between the first and the second break up was only an adjustment period for him to make sure that he really didn't want to be with me - while he was making the whole process easier for himself by still seeing me.

My ex told me that he loves me, too. Told me that he left because he felt like he was hurting me and didn't want to hurt me anymore. The funny thing is - several years ago, I had a boyfriend who did some things that really hurt me a lot, and HE apologized, begged for my forgiveness, told me that he didn't want to be without me, and made actual changes so that he wouldn't hurt me again. So I know that "I broke up with you because I don't want to hurt you" is simply an excuse. And that he used such a flimsy excuse offends me to the point where it kind of keeps me from calling him, too.

My best to you and to everyone else. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 5:03pm

"I know this sounds stupid, but I guess that I don't want him to think that I am holding any bad feelings toward him. I have no idea why I would care if he thought I was mad at him or not."

Why would you want him to think that his actions have no consequences? Do you want him to feel free to do this again to another woman? And another? Don't deny your feelings. It isn't good for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:43am
Well he ended up calling last night. He asked me how I was and if I needed anything. I said I was alright and no I didn't need anything. I asked him how he was and he said pretty rough right now. That was pretty much it. I will never understand men lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 10:27am

When my ex broke it off with me, he initiated contact over and over again. I rarely called him at all within the first couple of weeks. I couldn't figure out what his angle was. Why would he dump me then call several times a week?

Simply put, he had guilt. He didn't want to be "the bad guy". He realized he hurt me and now he felt like crap for doing it.

Well, too bad in my books. I would have no respect for myself if all I cared about was the way HE was feeling and not trying to take care of myself. And taking care of myself means removing the toxic stuff out of my life. And contacting him was purely toxic. It simply wasn't healthy.

You have to remind yourself of that when you have the urge to call. And if he calls, don't pick up. Honestly, take care of yourself and stop worrying whether he thinks badly of you. It's his problem he didn't see that you were special enough to hang onto in the first place.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

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