Help, first boyfriend & 4 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Help, first boyfriend & 4 years
4
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 8:17pm

Help, I'm 25 I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years. This is my first serious relationship. I've been having thoughts of breaking up for a long time now- but it is usually fleeting and then I go on as usual enjoying eachothers company and being happy. i've thought about breaking up because I've always had this gut feeling that he wasn't the One, and that we wouldn't be together forever. But is was easy to stay together before because I was in university and we didn't have to worry about getting married or anything.

Now I decided to move to another province for a few months in October- so I figured that when telling him this fact I should also bring up the 'breaking up' part. moving away isn't really because of him though- I have wanted to work at a ski resort for 8 years and now i have my chance so I'm doing it. He knew that and told me not to let him keep me from what I want to do. but if I really wanted him- couldn't we get engaged, I go away for a few months, and then we can be together when I get back?? but I don't want to...

We talked last night and I realised I had to do it, the conversation just led there even though I thought my 'talk' wouldn't happen for another 2 weeks. and this is the worst day ever- but it's not 'officially' over because it was over the phone and we can't end it over the phone. I told him the truth how I felt though- that I want to WANT to marry him but if he asked me I'd have to say maybe, I should be able shout out a big 'YES!'and I don't want to get a divorce in 5 or 10 years if I do change my mind.....he has to go away for the weekend so I'll see him in two days to 'discuss'. How does everyone else feel? I still love him and wish he was with me right now am I just supposed to ignore that and make a clean break? I'm so confused!!! and sad! help! I've never done this before!!! my parents are making me more confused because my mother is suggesting that i might just need space and that he's my first boyfriend and maybe we can get together again in a few months and I'll be able to decide then...

and again like another poster said- please be gentle!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 9:04pm

Me again- now I'm starting to want to change my mind and I miss him! What does everyone else do? I've never done this before- do I ignore those feelings? I always thought that maybe i would feel different if he was a bit more patient and not get angry over little things...maybe i should have told him that before because people can work on that? He listens to me so well (and I guess is patient with me that way) and I complain to him all the time because he's there for me and is a good sounding board. i didn't realise I did that so much to him so when he told me I tried to stop! maybe I should have done the same to him?

so....what do I do? ignore these thoughts? they must come to everyone.

ah this sucks. I don't want to lose him out of my life, but I guess that's what I just did.. I must admit I've had a pretty sweet life- which in turn means this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!!!!!!!! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 4:37pm

Have you thought about what makes him not 'the one'? I am personaly a little bit iffy about this 'the one' business, since half the people who think they've found 'the one' end up breaking up.

Rather, do you two get along? Common values? Able to plan a future together? Compatible? Looking at it, it seems like he's willing to make it work with you, but you're cutting him off over this 'the one' business. the guy I thought was "the one", we broke up. Better to look at whether or not you can imagine yourself living with him for the next 5, 10, 50 years.

You say it would mean a great deal to you if he was a bit more patient..does he know this? Or have you just left him to find out himself while you stew?

Anyways, it looks like he's willing ot let you chase your dream and work it out, and you're just shutting him down. If you want to salvage this relationship, perhaps you should both compromise a bit?

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 4:47pm
well...maybe I shouldn't have used the term 'the one'...moreso that I haven't this gut feeling I shouldn't be with him....I've thought about breaking up with him a few times over the years but then I change my mind.
ah, this is why I'm confused. I really think I should break up with him..but obviously I don't 'want' to,...and then when people say things to change my mind I find myself trying to defend my decision because deep down I know it's what I have to do. although it really really really sucks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 3:37pm
Depending on the situation, I feel that you should really try and work it out. I agree with your mother, you may be going through some personal things and assuming that your boyfriend is the problem when really he really isn't. For some reason, I feel that you will regret breaking up with him. There is my two cents.