Help for friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Help for friend
2
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:59am

I have a friend who is going through a "breakup" with her long-time boyfriend (they've been together 4 or 5 years). Anyway, she's not even sure if it's really a "breakup" - he won't give her a straight answer when she asks him if it's forever. And he keeps saying it's just a "break." I don't get what a "break" is supposed to be - to me, you're either together or you're not. But anyway...she is heartbroken and a total mess. He keeps saying he "needs some time on his own," but then he tells her he loves her more than anything in the world and his heart is breaking, too. (But the reason all this has come about is there are issues in the relationship, like any relationship, that he's not happy about).

And he still calls her as though they're still together and they still go out and do stuff together (not as much, though) - he'll call her and say he misses her so they get together.

I told her she needs to cut him off and just tell him to call her when he makes up his mind what he wants. But she's so in love that she'll take any little scraps that he gives her. She says she feels like each time is an opportunity to try and talk him into being with her and not giving up.

They keep getting together to "talk." But the result is always the same - he says he doesn't know if he wants to "break up" or not, so he says they're just going to "take a break," she asks him what "take a break" means, and he says, "We'll talk about it tomorrow." Round and round they go.

This is eating my friend alive. It's an emotional roller coaster for her. I guess I don't know what to say when she tells me all this. I really have to censor myself because my opinion of the whole situation right now is really harsh...it's also very easy for me to say "tell him to get lost" because I'm not in it. But I guess what I'm asking you all, when she tearfully looks at me and says, "What do you think I should do?", what should I say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:47am
i personally, think you should be honest with her, don't sugar coat things. that's not to say you should be extremly harsh and say everything you think about the situation, but do tell her some of your thoughts. we all give great advice and never take our own advice, at least that's been my experience. this time around, i'm trying to follow the advice that the people i care about are giving me and it is really helping. it hasn't been the easist thing to do or to hear by any means, but it is what's most likely best for me. i would suggest telling her in a nice way what you think--the truth hurts sometimes, but it's so much better in the longrun. or maybe direct her to this board, sometimes when you get an opinion from an unbiased source, it makes more of an impact because that person has no emotional involvement in the situation. you're a good friend for wanting to do the right thing. don't be surprised if she gets upset with you if you do tell her the truth though, but if it were me, like i said, i would want to, and do currently want to, hear what people really think. no sense living in a fantasy world...it eventually catches up with you and it's not usually good. i've been there too. good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 12:28pm

Only she has the power to get off the roller coaster. This guy has it made. He can run to her when he's lonely, sad, missing her, wants to hang out, wants sex, and she puts up with it because her self-esteem and who she is - is determined by whether or not they are together, whether or not he likes her, wants her, talks to her. And she thinks if she's 'available' at his beck and call, that he will miraculously fall back in love, want her the same way she wants him, and be with her. The thing is, instead of letting him know what he's missing, by allowing contact she's actually helping him wean himself.

I'm not sure if you can tell her, it's her self-esteem, or direct her here, or even help her because my experience has been that until a woman knows and believes her true worth, she will put up with crap.

Reading material just in case:
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon


Carrie