help a guy out

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
help a guy out
6
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:57pm
Ok, I'm a guy. I've been dating a woman for the last 6 months. She's 28 and I'm 31.

She is easily the sweetest person I've ever met. I've generally enjoyed the time that I've spent with her although I don't think I'll get to the point that I want to marry her. I'm pretty sure she wants to eventually get married to me.

I'm trying to figure out how to break it off in the least painful way.

The other thing is that before we started dating she was planning on moving back to the west coast. She currently lives with her sister. My impression is that she stayed for me. She's planning on moving into her own place, which I presume will involve a lease.

I guess I provided the extra info to give an idea of a time frame.

It seems that if I'm going to break up I should do so before she signs a lease, so that if she doesn't want to stay in NY she doesn't have to. Not to mention doing it as soon as possible so that neither of our time is wasted.

Well, any comments are appreciated

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
In reply to: nycjeff
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:17am
after 6 months, and at your age, you need to take some responsiblity here. ummm...youre not wanting to marry her? or you dont want to get married in general? either way you are sure you wouldnt marry her in particluar (she sounds too nice)-which is fine, but why waste her time or yours? unless you are just keeping her around for the "disingenuous comfort factor" ya know-nice company, steady sex ect.-the girl probably walks your dog and does your laundry. i dont mean to come across bitchy BUT if you read this board alot of heartache could be avoided if people learned how to be UP FRONT about stuff when they come to realizations such as your own. now to defend you-this girl should not be covertly pressuring you at this point by rearranging her life under assumption, she needs to be up front too as you are left guessing if she is staying for you or staying to thrive in NY-either way-BREAK UP NOW!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
In reply to: nycjeff
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:19am
Oh boy she needed to watch Oprah today! Go buy her the book and dont let her know its from you, called Hes not so into you. Funny show but a real eye opener for woman and us wasteing out days, weeks and years on men that really are not interested in us for the reasons we want them for... This book was wrote by one of the sex in the city guys(writer or something) and they did a show on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: nycjeff
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:32am
hmm,

well no dog and she doesn't do my laundry, but I know what you mean.

The thing is, I just came to the conclusion recently, so it's not like I'm trying to string her along. What I'm seeking is, as you put it, the best way "to be UP FRONT about stuff" What makes it easiest for her to hear and understand?
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nycjeff
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:42am
Break up with her as soon as possible, maybe this weekend. Make sure you tell her how special she is and how much the relationship meant to you, but that you just don't see a future for the two of you and you want her to be free to find someone who will want to be with her forever.

Be firm and don't give her any hope that you might change your mind or might want her back or might be willing to consider a firm committment.

Be clear. Be firm. Be kind. Be as gentle as you can be. But do it. Because if you really are pretty sure you're never going to marry her, she needs to know now so she can move on and find someone who will.

Be prepared for her reaction though. She may get upset. She may cry. She may beg. She may plead. Try to comfort her as best you can. Don't just leave her someplace crying. And please oh please don't have one last lovemaking session. I think that always makes it hurt worse. That's all I can think off the top of my head. After I read the other poster's comments I may add more.

I think it's really great you're asking our opinion. It shows good sense!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: nycjeff
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:30pm
I just wanted to let you know that it's good that you are trying to make this as easy for her as possible. What you have to do is be open, honest, and give her answers to whatever questions she's going to have for you.

I am trying to deal with a break up of a two year relationship that ended when, out of the blue, the guy just decided that he wasn't going to actually break up with me, but instead, just stop taking my calls and pretty much ignoring me until I just eventually went away.

This kind of thing is a horrible thing to go through. Break-ups can be really tough if one person wasn't even aware that something was wrong.

She will be hurt, and will probably cry, but if you at least give her some answers and reasons for why you don't want to continue in the relationship, she will be able to move on and heal a lot faster. And, eventually, she will come out having a lot more respect for you because you didn't string her along and had the courage to be upfront with her.





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to: nycjeff
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:45pm
I would agree with "iamdelightful". Being as gentle as you can, let her know it's over. Don't wimp out and string her along with the "let's be friends" bull because it's giving her false hope. Explain to her also that you believe no contact by phone or otherwise is a good idea for several months at least...each contact is like having a scab ripped off a healing wound and causing fresh bleeding. Six months seems like a long time and a lot of emotions and memories can be affected in that time period, but in the grand scheme of things, it's just a drop in the bucket. She should not be rushing into thoughts of marriage so quickly and it sounds like she may even be pressuring you? I think it's nice that you've taken the time to get a female point of view on how to break this off, it shows you care about your girlfriend's feelings. Please use this situation to learn from. Not saying that you're doing this, but if you are, don't enter into relationships lightly. Break-ups are like emotional, spiritual, physical and mental train-wrecks and we should all do our best to minimize the grief we cause in others' lives, while at the same time watching out for our own well-being. Good luck.