help, he just called

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
help, he just called
14
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:35pm
Crap, he just called. I have not heard his voice since the end of March. I was just driving down the highway, actually on my way home from work, and the cell rang. I just expected it to be work, we're going into trial and I'm on call, so I didn't even notice it was him until I answered. It was so weird, we talked for almost an hour about absolutely nothing at all. Our jobs, the weather, the new Michael Moore movie, our houses. He gave me an extremely detailed, practically hour-by-hour report of his weekend (working on his car and hanging out with his parents). I was more vague about mine.

To recap the breakup: after almost 2 years together, I ended it, because I got cancer and he couldn't deal, he refused to go with me to the hospital for my biopsies or surgery, and he acted like a selfish jerk throughout, he was not emotionally supportive and basically pressured me to have sex during my recovery. This was the end of March. The breakup was ugly, he told me he hated me and our relationship was something awful he was trying to forget ever happened. Not one word of apology for behaving that way. Not a single effort to try to get back together. I actually had second thoughts and suggested I'd like to forgive him if he could explain what happened, maybe we could try counseling, but he never responded.

So, tonight he calls, out of the blue. Not an anniversary or anything, no good reason for him to call. And he didn't give me any reason why he was calling. We did not talk about the breakup or our relationship. We chatted like people who haven't talked in a while, then hung up with no "I'll talk to you later" or anything like that. What the hell is this about? No apology from him for what happened, no "I want you back," not even an "I've been thinking about you," "I miss you," nothing like that. Just, nice weather, how's your job going, that kind of thing. I ended the conversation because it was weirding me out and just meandering around to nothing at all. Should I have just allowed us to chat as if it were no big deal, or should I have been more hostile about demanding to know why he was calling, what the heck he wanted?

I can't figure out why he called. He mentioned that he had spent part of the weekend with mutual friends, this couple we used to hang out with all the time. One half of this couple works with me now, and saw me and the new guy I'm dating at a work function a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure she reported back to my ex about this. He didn't mention it or ask about him. Why didn't I bring him up, I'm wondering now? I spent time with him this weekend, I could have said something about it, but I didn't. Anyway, so the ex is talking about how he's giving up his street racing thing, selling his modified car, going to buy something more grown up. He also mentions that our mutual friends are thinking about starting a family, and he keeps talking about how it's time for him to grow up and sell his car and get serious.

He also, in a move that kind of creeped me out, asked me about the street where my house is located. He knew I bought a house, but he must have gotten the address from the local spy at work who could get it from the company directory. I don't think he's a stalker, I'm not worried about that, I guess it makes sense he'd be curious about where I went when I disappeared from his life. He asks about the street, mispronounces it, and asks what's the nearest intersection from it. Clueless me, I guess, I just told him (he can get on mapquest anyway, I suppose). What the hell is that about? Is he planning to drop in or something? He also had a lot of questions about the house, which I thought would be a sore subject (I bought it instead of moving in with him), but everything is still all light and casual.

So, is he calling because he's bored and lonely? He didn't suggest getting together. Is he just looking for closure or something? Is this a prelude to a real conversation about us, or is this it? Are these veiled references to settling down some sort of implication that he's not an immature jerk any more? Is he, in typical ex fashion, calling now that I'm basically over him and seeing someone else, just to mess with my head?

Are we talking now? Should I talk with him again? I am so conflicted, because I have to admit I've been missing him quite a bit, and was thinking just yesterday how I wished I could have spent the holiday weekend with him, even thought of how I'd planned to bring him home for this 4th of July to spend with my family, to have a real small-town 4th. That all got blown apart with the breakup, but I was thinking about him last night, dreamed about him, was thinking about him cruising down the highway, and suddenly he just calls me out of the blue. Part of me was so happy to hear from him. I was happy with how cool and composed I was. But I also felt guilty, like how can I be talking with his idiot when I'm dating a nice guy. The nice guy has never touched me as deeply as the ex. Then again, the nice guy has never hurt me as badly as my ex, either.

I'm tempted to call him back and ask what the hell that first call was about, but that seems too neurotic. Do I just leave it and see what he does next? Honestly, I think he would need to do a lot of work to get me back. But, oddly enough, the thought of being back with him just makes me feel panicky and claustrophobic, like there's no way I want to get back into that. I guess that's good, a sign I'm still capable of rational thought, but it was not something I expected to feel. Crap, anyway, I'm hoping for insight/advice about what this might mean and how I should react (if at all). I also think I just lost a bet, I would have sworn that I'd never hear from him again.


Edited 7/18/2004 12:21 am ET ET by milton333

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:30pm
Don't you hate when you're finally getting over someone they do something like this to reel you back in??

I don't know for sure what your ex wants but it does sound like he misses you and wants to prove he can grow up and possibly be someone you can depend on. But I wouldn't fall for it....he wasn't there when you needed him the most. And good intentions are great but it doesn't mean he'll follow through on them. Stick to you instincts....your panicky and clausterphobic and it's your mind's way of saying stay away from him and I think you should listen. If he calls back I'd end the conversation quickly and even tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to be friends. A friendship is leaving yourself open to getting back into a bad situation with him not to mention hurting your current boyfriend in the process.

No matter what happens we're here for you. Keep us posted!!














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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 1:28pm
Well, I guess this is about typical - I haven't heard a peep from him since. It's been about a week, and not a word. Just a random, passing impulse to call me, I'd guess. Luckily, I was in trial all last week, so I hadn't the time to think/obsess about him. I finally caught a breather today and just recognized I hadn't received a call or email from him during that time. Frankly, because of the way we ended things, I expected an apology or explanation for his behavior, or some sort of "agenda" for the call - it was an ugly, pain-filled breakup, and it was just too weird to have a casual conversation ignoring the big pink elephant in the room, refusing to acknowledge the breakup or the relationship in any way. He didn't seem to have any purpose in calling, not to be friends or to reconcile or to apologize. I don't know what motivated him to call me, but I'm not contacting him, I'm not initiating some sort of relationship (friends or whatever) based on this lame and vague effort on his part. If he has some sort of agenda, he'll call again, and if he's forthright enough to just say what he wants, then maybe I'll respond.

I'm glad I didn't invest his call with any real significance, but maybe this is a warning/example for others. I've always heard that exes will sometimes pop up after months of no contact (it's never been my experience - mine have always tried to stay in contact, and/or we've made the "friends" transition quickly). I suppose he was just bored, lonely, messing with my head, who cares, but this was clearly not that "I'm sorry, take me back" call. I guess I do feel that I can release the bitterness and sense of unfinished business, now, though, so it wasn't all for nothing. If we were to bump into each other now, I don't think it would be as awkward as when we left it with me feeling betrayed because he wasn't around when I had cancer and him telling me he hated me. Better to be on friendly/chatty terms, I suppose. But one call is no reason to hope that he has changed. Oh, well. Thanks for everyone's support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:46am
I won a big case yesterday, after spending a grueling week in trial. My ex had called last week as I was driving out of town for the trial, and it was...something (confusing, good, terrible, what?)...to hear from him again. Anyway, my partner took me out last night and bought me too many margaritas to celebrate, I called everyone I knew, and I ended up emailing my ex. I wasn't drunk enough to call, I didn't want to say something I'd regret, but I emailed him about my big victory. That was last night. Not a word. Damn, I'm feeling so stupid. I knew I shouldn't contact him, it would just leave me feeling let down. Why did he call last week? Why wouldn't he drop a line to say congrats on my trial victory? It sucks. I actually dreamed about him sending me flowers to celebrate (stupid dreams, anyway), but I really expected a return email, if he's calling me on friendly terms. I miss being in love, I miss being with him. Support, guys? I am so strong and I'm doing so well with my life, why does not hearing from him f-ing matter, for crying out loud?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 1:22am
Milton its ok. You had a momentary lapse. I fortunately haven't contacted my ex since I heard about no contact. I did have to see him still through April but since then nothing (except a quick passing in the car). I do wish everyday that we could be in contact but nothing. I have done the drunken mistake and went off about him to mutual friends. We have our lapses its ok its part of the process. I know exactly how you feel with your ending statements. Life is going well yet I still miss him and want to hear from him. Well, knowing that you feel the same way makes me feel better. You are such a strong independent woman but still have the same feelings that we all do. We are all human. Again it will pass eventually. WE know in our heads our exes are no good but the heart just takes more time to listen. Keep up the good work and excellent posts!

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