help, he just called
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| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:35pm |
To recap the breakup: after almost 2 years together, I ended it, because I got cancer and he couldn't deal, he refused to go with me to the hospital for my biopsies or surgery, and he acted like a selfish jerk throughout, he was not emotionally supportive and basically pressured me to have sex during my recovery. This was the end of March. The breakup was ugly, he told me he hated me and our relationship was something awful he was trying to forget ever happened. Not one word of apology for behaving that way. Not a single effort to try to get back together. I actually had second thoughts and suggested I'd like to forgive him if he could explain what happened, maybe we could try counseling, but he never responded.
So, tonight he calls, out of the blue. Not an anniversary or anything, no good reason for him to call. And he didn't give me any reason why he was calling. We did not talk about the breakup or our relationship. We chatted like people who haven't talked in a while, then hung up with no "I'll talk to you later" or anything like that. What the hell is this about? No apology from him for what happened, no "I want you back," not even an "I've been thinking about you," "I miss you," nothing like that. Just, nice weather, how's your job going, that kind of thing. I ended the conversation because it was weirding me out and just meandering around to nothing at all. Should I have just allowed us to chat as if it were no big deal, or should I have been more hostile about demanding to know why he was calling, what the heck he wanted?
I can't figure out why he called. He mentioned that he had spent part of the weekend with mutual friends, this couple we used to hang out with all the time. One half of this couple works with me now, and saw me and the new guy I'm dating at a work function a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure she reported back to my ex about this. He didn't mention it or ask about him. Why didn't I bring him up, I'm wondering now? I spent time with him this weekend, I could have said something about it, but I didn't. Anyway, so the ex is talking about how he's giving up his street racing thing, selling his modified car, going to buy something more grown up. He also mentions that our mutual friends are thinking about starting a family, and he keeps talking about how it's time for him to grow up and sell his car and get serious.
He also, in a move that kind of creeped me out, asked me about the street where my house is located. He knew I bought a house, but he must have gotten the address from the local spy at work who could get it from the company directory. I don't think he's a stalker, I'm not worried about that, I guess it makes sense he'd be curious about where I went when I disappeared from his life. He asks about the street, mispronounces it, and asks what's the nearest intersection from it. Clueless me, I guess, I just told him (he can get on mapquest anyway, I suppose). What the hell is that about? Is he planning to drop in or something? He also had a lot of questions about the house, which I thought would be a sore subject (I bought it instead of moving in with him), but everything is still all light and casual.
So, is he calling because he's bored and lonely? He didn't suggest getting together. Is he just looking for closure or something? Is this a prelude to a real conversation about us, or is this it? Are these veiled references to settling down some sort of implication that he's not an immature jerk any more? Is he, in typical ex fashion, calling now that I'm basically over him and seeing someone else, just to mess with my head?
Are we talking now? Should I talk with him again? I am so conflicted, because I have to admit I've been missing him quite a bit, and was thinking just yesterday how I wished I could have spent the holiday weekend with him, even thought of how I'd planned to bring him home for this 4th of July to spend with my family, to have a real small-town 4th. That all got blown apart with the breakup, but I was thinking about him last night, dreamed about him, was thinking about him cruising down the highway, and suddenly he just calls me out of the blue. Part of me was so happy to hear from him. I was happy with how cool and composed I was. But I also felt guilty, like how can I be talking with his idiot when I'm dating a nice guy. The nice guy has never touched me as deeply as the ex. Then again, the nice guy has never hurt me as badly as my ex, either.
I'm tempted to call him back and ask what the hell that first call was about, but that seems too neurotic. Do I just leave it and see what he does next? Honestly, I think he would need to do a lot of work to get me back. But, oddly enough, the thought of being back with him just makes me feel panicky and claustrophobic, like there's no way I want to get back into that. I guess that's good, a sign I'm still capable of rational thought, but it was not something I expected to feel. Crap, anyway, I'm hoping for insight/advice about what this might mean and how I should react (if at all). I also think I just lost a bet, I would have sworn that I'd never hear from him again.
Edited 7/18/2004 12:21 am ET ET by milton333

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I don't know for sure what your ex wants but it does sound like he misses you and wants to prove he can grow up and possibly be someone you can depend on. But I wouldn't fall for it....he wasn't there when you needed him the most. And good intentions are great but it doesn't mean he'll follow through on them. Stick to you instincts....your panicky and clausterphobic and it's your mind's way of saying stay away from him and I think you should listen. If he calls back I'd end the conversation quickly and even tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to be friends. A friendship is leaving yourself open to getting back into a bad situation with him not to mention hurting your current boyfriend in the process.
No matter what happens we're here for you. Keep us posted!!
I'm glad I didn't invest his call with any real significance, but maybe this is a warning/example for others. I've always heard that exes will sometimes pop up after months of no contact (it's never been my experience - mine have always tried to stay in contact, and/or we've made the "friends" transition quickly). I suppose he was just bored, lonely, messing with my head, who cares, but this was clearly not that "I'm sorry, take me back" call. I guess I do feel that I can release the bitterness and sense of unfinished business, now, though, so it wasn't all for nothing. If we were to bump into each other now, I don't think it would be as awkward as when we left it with me feeling betrayed because he wasn't around when I had cancer and him telling me he hated me. Better to be on friendly/chatty terms, I suppose. But one call is no reason to hope that he has changed. Oh, well. Thanks for everyone's support.
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