Help - How should I respond to e-mail?!
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| Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:23pm |
Hello, I have not had contact with my ex for about a month now. We broke up after 3 years of dating about 1-1/2 months ago. He ended things by saying I was no longer a priority. We had a final "goodbye" e-mail about one month ago and I have been so good at not making any contact. Then today I get the e-mail below. Should I respond?? If so, what should I say?? I would not be in contact with him unless he sent this e-mail, but I feel b*tchy not responding. I think he ended things badly and I am deeply hurt and miss him. Please help!!
Hey Kelly,
How are you doing lately? I'm well, and getting ready to embark on all these trips that just came up for work. I'm actually going to Hong Kong, China, Belgium, and Korea in May - very excited.
I don't know if you want to hear from me or not, but I wanted to send this.... I hope you are doing well, and miss you!

I would write back something like,
"Thanks for your note; sounds like you have some exciting travel planned.
I miss you too, but it's really hard for me to be in contact with you at this point. I would like to be friends eventually but for now, I need to take some time without having any contact with you so I can move on. I hope you can understand that.
However, I do want to make clear that if at any time you change your mind about us, and are 100% committed to working things out, then I would be more than happy to hear from you. Otherwise, I'll get in touch with you when I'm ready to be friends".
The one exception would be if you already had this discussion (whether in person or by email); in that case, I would not respond.
Sheri
In that case, I think not responding would be best. I'd even suggest that you block him from emailing you for the time being (until you are over him) so you don't have this confusion in the future.
Sheri
hi clavenden
reply to him and make sure that your email. he doesnt have to reply at all. you know what i mean. tell him your doing okay and your hoping that his fine too or tell him that your happy for him about his work..those kinda staff...dont put any question for him to answer. the point is, if he didnt reply you wont get pissed AND YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EXPECTING AT ALL.
GOOD LUCK
Hi Clavenden,
I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem. Although I haven't responded to the majority of my ex's attempts at contact, there have been a few times when I felt compelled to respond in some manner. It's usually just 2-3 sentences and I basically just acknowledge what he's saying without giving him anything on my end. I usually end up doing it for the same reasons you mentioned in your post...because I feel so cold not responding and totally blowing someone off is not in my nature.
Oddly enough, I just decided a few days ago that I was completely going to cut off contact though, because there is no benefit to it. Silence can be a very powerful thing(and a very empowering thing!). You can never mess up by remaining silent. I don't know if you're like me, but I tend to overanalyze things (thus I've stayed away from expressing anything meaningful in my few responses to my ex) In your case, if he's telling you that he's doing really great in life, and you respond in kind, then you can look back and think "What if he really was missing me? should I have expressed that I missed him too so it doesn't appear I've completely shut the door?" Or if you do express that you miss him as well, and he goes off to travel and you don't hear from him for weeks, then you have to sit with the feeling that you've put that out there and it didn't change anything. With writing him back will come the stress of wondering how your response impacted him...which means he's on your mind again and you've put the ball back in his court.
When someone wants you back, they let you know. If you and your ex have discussed NC in the past, and you've already gone this long without talking to him, you should probably refrain from answering him and keep focusing on yourself if you can.
Take care and good luck. I know it's tough!
Honestly, I wouldn't make it too much of a priority (his words) to email him back.
After 3 years for him to say you are not a priority and hurt you deeply like that deserves attention from you now? I know it hurts badly, but hey if he really cared he would call you instead of email you. Email is a cop out. It sounds like he needed some momentary fix. I would ignore the email.
I say either don't respond at all (because he's trying to 'lure' you into his cute act) or just say something totally non-emotive like "sounds like you're really busy traveling, good luck". Something along those lines. He's using the travelling line as an "in" to get a conversation going. Whatever if he misses you, I'm sure you had needs before the breakup that he ignored.
I think the silence speaks more though.
I never got a goodbye from my ex and I still wish I'd just see that bold name of his in my inbox one day... but from the sounds of when people on here actually do get contact from exes, it only makes them feel worse. So maybe it's not what we need afterall (if it makes you feel terrible).
Carrie
Thanks for all of your responses! I agree - I cannot tell what he is getting at with his e-mail. I am thinking either he wants me to know all is going great with him (rub it in) - or he is fishing for a response to make him feel less guilty for being a jerk when he ended things. Here is how I responded - I just didn't feel right about saying nothing, but wanted to leave no question that we are not to be in contact...let me know what you think - I have not heard back from him.
S,
It sounds like things are really going great for you.
I think we need to be maintaining our no-contact right now.
Enjoy your travels,
Kelly