Help - How should I respond to e-mail?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Help - How should I respond to e-mail?!
10
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:23pm

Hello, I have not had contact with my ex for about a month now. We broke up after 3 years of dating about 1-1/2 months ago. He ended things by saying I was no longer a priority. We had a final "goodbye" e-mail about one month ago and I have been so good at not making any contact. Then today I get the e-mail below. Should I respond?? If so, what should I say?? I would not be in contact with him unless he sent this e-mail, but I feel b*tchy not responding. I think he ended things badly and I am deeply hurt and miss him. Please help!!

Hey Kelly,

How are you doing lately? I'm well, and getting ready to embark on all these trips that just came up for work. I'm actually going to Hong Kong, China, Belgium, and Korea in May - very excited.

I don't know if you want to hear from me or not, but I wanted to send this.... I hope you are doing well, and miss you!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 5:45pm

I would write back something like,

"Thanks for your note; sounds like you have some exciting travel planned.

I miss you too, but it's really hard for me to be in contact with you at this point. I would like to be friends eventually but for now, I need to take some time without having any contact with you so I can move on. I hope you can understand that.

However, I do want to make clear that if at any time you change your mind about us, and are 100% committed to working things out, then I would be more than happy to hear from you. Otherwise, I'll get in touch with you when I'm ready to be friends".

The one exception would be if you already had this discussion (whether in person or by email); in that case, I would not respond.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:11pm
Thanks for your response. That is the thing - we both talked and e-mailed (when things were ending) saying we needed to have no contact. So I am not really sure what he is doing here. I know he will never come back 100% b/c he is afraid of commitment. I just feel that this is something you share with your girlfriend and not the girl you dumped and said you wanted no contact with. Sooo...I am not sure how or if to respond. I hate feeling this way. Like he is so smug and his life is so great and he just needs to tell me. It feels terrible.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:23pm

In that case, I think not responding would be best. I'd even suggest that you block him from emailing you for the time being (until you are over him) so you don't have this confusion in the future.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:58pm

hi clavenden

reply to him and make sure that your email. he doesnt have to reply at all. you know what i mean. tell him your doing okay and your hoping that his fine too or tell him that your happy for him about his work..those kinda staff...dont put any question for him to answer. the point is, if he didnt reply you wont get pissed AND YOU DONT HAVE TO BE EXPECTING AT ALL.

GOOD LUCK

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 8:54pm

Hi Clavenden,

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem. Although I haven't responded to the majority of my ex's attempts at contact, there have been a few times when I felt compelled to respond in some manner. It's usually just 2-3 sentences and I basically just acknowledge what he's saying without giving him anything on my end. I usually end up doing it for the same reasons you mentioned in your post...because I feel so cold not responding and totally blowing someone off is not in my nature.

Oddly enough, I just decided a few days ago that I was completely going to cut off contact though, because there is no benefit to it. Silence can be a very powerful thing(and a very empowering thing!). You can never mess up by remaining silent. I don't know if you're like me, but I tend to overanalyze things (thus I've stayed away from expressing anything meaningful in my few responses to my ex) In your case, if he's telling you that he's doing really great in life, and you respond in kind, then you can look back and think "What if he really was missing me? should I have expressed that I missed him too so it doesn't appear I've completely shut the door?" Or if you do express that you miss him as well, and he goes off to travel and you don't hear from him for weeks, then you have to sit with the feeling that you've put that out there and it didn't change anything. With writing him back will come the stress of wondering how your response impacted him...which means he's on your mind again and you've put the ball back in his court.

When someone wants you back, they let you know. If you and your ex have discussed NC in the past, and you've already gone this long without talking to him, you should probably refrain from answering him and keep focusing on yourself if you can.

Take care and good luck. I know it's tough!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 12:18am
I'm sorry, but, what, does he want you to be his personal cheerleader? what are you suppose to do, email him back and envy and congratulate him on his overseas travel?
Honestly, I wouldn't make it too much of a priority (his words) to email him back.
After 3 years for him to say you are not a priority and hurt you deeply like that deserves attention from you now? I know it hurts badly, but hey if he really cared he would call you instead of email you. Email is a cop out. It sounds like he needed some momentary fix. I would ignore the email.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:19am

I say either don't respond at all (because he's trying to 'lure' you into his cute act) or just say something totally non-emotive like "sounds like you're really busy traveling, good luck". Something along those lines. He's using the travelling line as an "in" to get a conversation going. Whatever if he misses you, I'm sure you had needs before the breakup that he ignored.

I think the silence speaks more though.

I never got a goodbye from my ex and I still wish I'd just see that bold name of his in my inbox one day... but from the sounds of when people on here actually do get contact from exes, it only makes them feel worse. So maybe it's not what we need afterall (if it makes you feel terrible).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:32am
I am going through the same exact thing you're going through right now. My relationship ended just three weeks ago. I have done so much reading and talking trying to understand. My friend said she read a book that said there is an eight week period for men when they are going thru a break up (i've also come across this eight week rule in other articles). The first four weeks they can get through very easily and superficially by keeping themselves busy with work, dating and life in general, but after a month, that's when it begins to hit them that they are missing you and they often reach out for a little morsel of contact to keep them going. Just like your boyfriend just did! If you give it to him, he'll move on. If you don't, he'll start to feel the pain and saddness of missing you. Within a few weeks it will really hit him. Let it by not being available. If he doesn't come to his senses, then he was never really in love and you are better off anyway. Go rent "About Last Night" :) He will not give up with one email if he really loves you. You're ok right now, he's not. If you reply, you're going to be back where you were a month ago. The pain and disappointment really sucks, I know, don't go back there. You feel guilty not replying, but he didn't feel so guilty breaking your heart in that email. Think about what's right for you. Keep me posted. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:05pm
I agree with kermieyes .... I wondered 'what? he's rubbing your nose in all the fun things he's going to experience without you?' But misses you, so you can write back and tell him you're fine and everything is ok?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:26pm

Thanks for all of your responses! I agree - I cannot tell what he is getting at with his e-mail. I am thinking either he wants me to know all is going great with him (rub it in) - or he is fishing for a response to make him feel less guilty for being a jerk when he ended things. Here is how I responded - I just didn't feel right about saying nothing, but wanted to leave no question that we are not to be in contact...let me know what you think - I have not heard back from him.

S,

It sounds like things are really going great for you.

I think we need to be maintaining our no-contact right now.

Enjoy your travels,

Kelly