HELP I LET MYSELF BE A BOOTY CALL TO HIM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
HELP I LET MYSELF BE A BOOTY CALL TO HIM
9
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 7:57am

Ok fellow posters here, Im ready to do NO CONTACT and stick to it!! So where do I start, how do I do it, and how do I stay strong?????

We broke up 6 weeks ago, after a 2 year realtionship. He was the first relationship I had after a 20 year marriage that ended in divorce. I cant seem to let go, but Im determined now after yesterday.

Our relationship had its good but it had so much bad too. For the first year of the relationship he was living with another woman, and neglected to tell me that, so I cant say it was a good relationship because it was based on lies. After she moved out was when he decided to tell me the truth.

I WANT to move on, IM READY, but I dont know how to do it... I hear from him once a week, and I always pick up that phone. Yesterday I did the ulitmate "bad choice", I saw him. I slept with him, afterwards we talked...He used words and phrases like:

I dont want to hurt you anymore
No Promises...even a promise that we would see each other again.
He said " I love my life like this with no attachment to anyone"
He said he doesnt think I can handle just sleeping with him.

I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE A BOOTY CALL NOW...just so I could see him and try to remain in his life. THIS is not me...Ive always respected myself so much more. I just managed to compromise my morals and what I beleive in just to be with him for a few hours.

When we parted yesterday, I made it home about 30 minutes, and when I walked into the comfort zone of my own home, I fell apart, I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

This man doesnt love me, and Im in love with him.....There was a time that he did, but hes a committment phob, and hes a liar, a cheat etc...

So many people have told me the only way to get over him and get him out of my life is no contact. How do I stay strong and do that? I decided today will be the first day, but its the 4th and 5th days yet to come that worry me...I dont know if I can do it.

Ive written a letter to him telling him that I dont want to see him or talk to him again, that I cant handle it, its too painful, but I havent sent it....because to me it sounds so "sappy"...Like Im falling apart without him, and I want to appear strong. Is it even necessary to send such an email to tell him this wont happen again, or do I just do it????

Edited 6/30/2007 8:01 am ET by jerseygirl2006




Edited 6/30/2007 8:15 am ET by jerseygirl2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:46am

First off, quit beating yourself up. This happened for a reason, to make you wise up to the fact that this particular man is no good for you and quite undeserving of all your fabulousness.

Second, let's work on you:

1. Worry about today. That's it. Don't worry about day 4 or 5 now, worry about them when they get here, which they haven't yet. The very best piece of advice I will give you on No Contact is to take it in small chunks. Like workouts, because the same way a good workout will kick your butt yet make you stronger over time, that's the way NC works too, think it of that way. Work up from one hour, to one day, to three days, to one week, to more weeks, and pretty soon, you'll not be focusing on the NC itself, but how much stronger you feel (like a workout ;) ) And just like when you workout to lose weight and reward yourself, reward yourself when you go three whole days with NC, and then reward yourself for each full week. Treats work for adults too, get a mani-pedi, etc.

2. I really dislike when women send or tell their SO's who broke up wth them the message that they "can't handle seeing them" because it's "too painful" to talk to them. It's totally unnecessary. True, but unnecessary that they know this. And I've seen way too many women and some men do it over the year-plus I've been CLing this board. **That crap's got to stop.** That statement alone puts you in a second-class-citizen position, it puts you in the position of begging and it belies the pain and weakness you feel inside. DON'T do it. He needs to see it's not breaking you, and more importantly, YOU need to see it's not breaking you.

3. If you ever want to get a message across to any man, young, old, middle, doesn't matter, you don't tell him about it, you do it. Repeat after me: Words are for women. Say it ten times, get it in your head, words are for women. Letters, emails, long drawn-out crying discussions, none of that makes a real dent in a man's mind, but action, action they know, action they can relate to. So don't tell him ahead of time this won't be happening again, just do it. Make it YOUR decision and act on it. When he calls, don't pick up the phone. Don't worry about him thinking you're hiding or whatever, being a guy, he'll take it for what it is: You're ignoring him and keeping him away from you. You're done. It's only the first few phone calls that it's hard to do this, after the first couple, it gets a hell of a lot easier and he'll get the idea.

4. Quit beating yourself up. And welcome back to the board ;)

Hugs chica, this stuff sux.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 10:16am
AWESOME post! I got a lot out of it. I am printing so I can refer back to it in moments of weakness! Thanks bunches!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 5:28pm

Sandra,

Thanks for the response and the encouragement! I can do this....I know I can!

Your right this did happen for a reason, I learned that Im holding on to someone who isnt worthy of me, and as hard as it is to face he doesnt really care about me..this was and always has been all about him. His wants, his needs etc....He made that quite clear when he told me "no promises"! Im gonna hold on to those words..they may give me some strength.

I wont send him that email...because it is pointless. I need to show him I dont need him, want him, or give a dam! Its 530PM here and Ive made it since last night...so like you said a few hours at a time.....Hasnt been that difficult and the fact that I havent heard a word from him since I left him last night, should tell me something...shouldnt it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:49am

Hi Sandra!

Well I made it for 36 hours! Im doing what you said a little at a time and not looking too far down the road..It may only be 36 hours but it feels good!!

I thought about the reward thing...I get my nails done every other week, and always wanted one of those spa pedicures but never want to spend the extra money (kids always need something), but thats going to be my one week reward! Even though I put the kids first in all ways, financially too....MOM deserves this one!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 11:02am

jerseygirl2006...

Pianoguy isn't going to comment on everything you've written. .

HOWEVER...

If you've written the letter stating that you no longer wish to see the man again...CONSIDER THAT ACT ONE OF CLOSURE!

And that means...NO FUTURE CONTACT!

Capiche?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 12:50pm

36 hours is awesome! Good for you! When you think about it in small chunks, it probably started feeling a lot less ovewhelming, too. I love pedicures, and one thing I added to my own rituals is once I get a pedicure, I also do a henna tattoo around my ankle. I've been doing them for almost a year now, and each one has been different and unique. It's really pretty, very feminine, and looks terrific with strappy sandals ;)

Have a great day!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:07am

Well Ive made it now for 3 Days....and Im ready to face Day 4. Remember in my first post where I stated it was day 4 or 5 that intimidated me the most??? Well Im here, and Im not so intimidated afterall!

Yesterday was a good day, I woke up feeling proud of myself for having made it through the weekend, the weekends always seem like the hardest times. Now I face the real test..... My children left yesterday morning to spend a week with their father, so Im here alone. I made a list of things to do to keep busy, some were fun things for me, some things were work projects around the house. ANYTHING TO KEEP ME BUSY!

Ive reached the angry stage now....and as much as I DONT want to talk to him I have to say Im hurt that I havent heard from him since Friday night, I guess I just want to know that hes thinking of me and that Friday night was more than just sex to him, after the 2 years we were together. Im looking to validate my actions and my mistake, but looking to him to validate it (a committment phob) is a mistake in itself.

I suppose all it was, was just a booty call to him. Maybe I should turn around and say thats all it was for me too, and it wasnt so good anyway!! LOL Of course that wouldnt be true.....but whatever works!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:30pm

Jersey girl, you are not alone. I, too have a hard time on the weekends. Keeping busy is a great way to overcome. Today has been the "one month apart" mark for me and my ex. It gets a little better every day.

Like you, I'm also ANGRY at him for a lot of what happened at the end. Take care. I just want you to know you are not alone......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:52pm

U2

Thanks! Your not alone either! If you ever need an ear feel free to call on me...
Everyone on the board has been so supportive, its a great place to come for just those few encouraging words thats helps us get past the bad days.

Everyday gets better...Ive just gotten to the point where Ive become determined to stick to the no contact and its been going okay for me. Im starting to see that Im better off with the no contact. Im heading to just day 6 of no contact...Ive never been able to get past 3 days so Im happy with my progress. How about you have you been apart for the past month or just no contact for the past month??

Take care and thanks again!