HELP!!!!!!! I NEED AN ADVISE PLEASE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
HELP!!!!!!! I NEED AN ADVISE PLEASE!!!
19
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:38pm

PLEASE READ MY POST : PLEASE HELP. FIRST DAY AFTER BREAK UP SO YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ME
AFTER 10 days he wrote me this today. i HAVEN'T CONTACT HIM SINCE HE BROKE UP.
if you read my post you would understand.
what do you think about that. I am Very confuse !!! SHOULD I HAVE ANY HOPES ????????
ANY SUGGESTION PLEASE HELP ME
THIS IS WHAT WROTE ME TODAY:
'
I have not wanted to reply because I feel very badly for what happened. I do not know when I started feeling like this or if I will ever change. But I know that it is not YOUR fault. And there is no one else, and I don't want anyone else. It's how things are , and I would feel like this with anyone. You made me happy, you made me feel happy to be around you and kept me smiling. I'm just feeling like it's too much to do, not because you ask me to do anything or demand from me.

I want to ask for your forgiveness for being so abrupt about this, and hurting you again; I know it was sudden to you. I am very sorry for putting you through all this and for doing it at a really bad time. There is nothing I can do or say to fix the hurt that you must feel. Just believe me when I say that it is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. You are an almost perfect woman, I don't know if there is anyone else like you; probably not. I mean that . You showed me how great a person can be and how giving, considerate, loving and caring a girlfriend should be. I know you don't believe me, but I don't care for anyone else, not since you came along. You showed me the best this world has to offer and I really don't think I'll have that same luck again.

You were right, I can be immature and don't share my feelings enough. It's hard to change some things and this is what it has led to. I can imagine how you must feel and what you're going through. That's what makes me cry, thinking of what I did to you. I cry because I know you must be crying, and asking yourself questions and blaming yourself. You always put yourself down when something happens, but please don't do it this time. YOU ARE NOT a failure, ugly, demanding, pushy; YOU ARE THE TOTAL OPPOSITE. This was not your fault, it's just something that snuck up on me, and I can't stop it.

I just cannot write enough to apologize or make up for the damage. Also, I can't write enough words to tell you how great you are and how much of a difference you made in my life, you showed me the best qualities in a person. I am very very...sorry for building you up, and then knocking you down. I know there is no one to hear you know and how much I meant to you. Trust me, it kills me, I feel like the meanest person in the world. I feel like I lied to you, because I've taken it all away. I wasted two years of your life, I know for you that is a long time. I was the only person you had and I abandoned you. I'm sorry for ruining your life, and wasting your time. I took so much from you and left you with nothing.

You are so great, and I feel like trash for breaking your heart when you repeatedly asked me not to. I hope you are able to be happy again, and trust someone again, and treat someone with all your love again. You are a very beautiful and ambitious woman, and I don't doubt you'll have someone wanting to make you happy. Please don't block anyone from getting close to you again, I don't want to prevent you from finding someone that will fulffill the things you want in life. That would be something that would make me want to die, although I think sometimes it would be better if I were not around to hurt you.

I hope you persevere and continue with your life, and not let this ruin it. Even though I haven't prayed in years, I hope to God that you get to sell your condo and make a lot of money and buy the car you want and live the way you want, and retire. I hope I don't make you give up on anything, or feel like you have nothing to live for.

Please, don't ever apologize to me again, you haven't done anything wrong. I will always be in debt to you for all that you did for me. I don't know if I can ever look you in the eye again, or hold a conversation with you, but we'll see. I'm sorry if you need me for support and I'm not there. I know this way of communicating is very impersonal, but I don't have the courage to talk to you on a phone or in person. I have to hide behind this computer and the distance, because I lack the courage. If you ever need anything from me, you can ask, just please understand how ashamed I am.

I know the only thing left to say is good bye, but I can't even do that.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 7:53am

Vivian,

I don't understand why you cannot see that the relationship is over and there is no hope. His email is very clear. He feels guilty, he loves you as a person and still is considerate about how much he hurt you, but there is not the slightest evidence that he wants to get back together. He is not even suggesting it.

He is a nice guy who NEEDS to live his life and learn from other experiences. He is grateful that he had the chance to be your boyfriend. He admires you and genuily hopes you find someone else. It hurts that he does not love you anymore, but that how things are. People change, we wish they could be the same always but that can never happen. It is not your fault, it is not his fault. That's how life is.

AT your age, you must be prepared for the next time. This means that you must know that people change, the things that they mean today, will not mean the same next month or next year. It does not mean that they were lying when they told us how much they loved us, it just means it was true AT THAT TIME.

THere are exceptions, some men do not change and they can love their partners in the same way forever, that's why some people stay together for many years. But most of US, eventually change our minds. It is normal, and noone should be blame for it.

I think you have to accept that the relationship is over. I see potential for you two to remain best friends. Not now, but later, when you are over him as a partner.

Don't hurt yourself with false expectations. Be realistic and just try to find out in which way you can heal faster.

Best of luck.
Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 9:03am

vivian, i know way too well how hard it is to let go...but you're asking if you should have hope from this letter, but there is NOTHING in that letter that even closely suggests that he wants to get back together. he was very honest in his letter, and seems very sincere, and he does care about you, BUT, he has made it very clear that it is over.

very sorry for your pain...take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 9:07am
very nice post...great insight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:37am
I'm confused and trying to grow and understand what you mean by your reply. I believe that when someone says that they are truly IN LOVE with you that a committment is attached to those words. If someone says they love your dog or your shoes that is a different kind of love but if someone, after being in a relationship with you says they are in love with you, then that word should not be thrown around lightly. Usually a huge intimate discussion is involved after someone says they are truly in love with you and you discuss your feelings and emotions and profess your committment then. I hear all the time that people "fall out of love". I don't understand how that can happen if it is true love. In a long term relationship with two people that are truly in love, there will be times when one person or the other may not feel the same emotionally but that is where committment should come in and with caring and respect and hard work you realize you never "fell out of love". I believe that true love is real and unending and that someone might love you and leave you but that they were never in true love. Please share your thoughts and insights with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 12:40pm

A year ago, I told my ex that I loved him with all my heart and that I would always love him. That was true, I meant it at that time and I even made the comittement to love him forever. However if he asks me now, at this very moment, do you love me?. I cannot tell him that I do love him in the same way that I told him a year ago. WHY?, because after he dumped me I changed, the situation changed my feelings for him. I grew up, I became more mature. A comittment means nothing, those are words, but feelings are real, they cannot be compromise AT ALL.

You cannot promise to anybody that you will always love him or her. You cannot speak for your feelings. They seem to behave independently from our desires and words. I think that the only love that never changes is the one you feel for a child or your parents. Some people are capable to match what they feel with what they want to feel. But they are minority. Most of the time we wish we could keep our word and love someone forever, but that does not happen and there is nothing wrong with it. We must also accept that anybody's love for us is temporal. It is stupid to believe that people should love us forever. That's why some women find it hard to move on after a break-up. They are not mentally prepared to accept that they are not the centre or the world of anybody.

Even a marriage couple change. The love the feel for each other at 20 years old is different from the love they feel at 60.

I want you to understand that this is not exclusive of romantic partners, it happens all the time. Our feelings for our friends change, our feelings for our favourite celebraties change, our taste for fashion changes, etc. In few words, our feelings and taste change all the time and we cannot control that.

The true wisdom about this is to learn making the most of it. Enjoy a relationship as long as it lasts, enjoy your love and feelings at the most, but DO not foolish yourself into believing that it is going to last forever. NOTHING last forever.

iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:22pm
Thank you for your honest response. What you said about not having control over our feelings, I know from what I am feeling now that it is very true. You gave me alot to think about in your response and I will reflect on it. Thank you again for your insite.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 6:45pm

hi everybody !!!!
it's been 2 weeks and my EX has not contact me at ALL.

i feel really dowm but i'm getting better i think!!
it hurst too much to realize that you spend 2 and half years with a guy and then he can even be man enough to CALL YOU!!! what can of crap is that !!!
i've realize that he never loved me... he is a coward. how can a guy ignore you so much,
like you never were part of his life. where is all the love he told me, the promeses, the plans...
how do they function???? after 2 weeks he just don't care anymore. don't miss me????
don't think about me ?? how is that??? wheen i think about it i just come to the conclussion that he never had real feelings for me, but lied to me soooo good because he fool me and everybody around us .. he looked so happy!!
he said "i don't have a courage to call you ....but i think now he meant to say: i don't have any love for you to call you.
now i TRULLY beleive that times real show peoples feelings.
let's not beleive any more their lies.
if they don't call us, if they don't contact us, if they don't try ...they
JUST NOT INTERESTED...........THEY JUST NOT LOVE US ANYMORE PERIOD!!!!!!

let's stop fooling ourself and be relistic
just remember :
you would never leave who you need
and would never hurt this much who you love

But you know what THEY DID ............

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:20am

We already know that he does not love you. He told you that and you posted his email. Why do you come now all surprised that he hasn't called you????

He is doing the right thing and you should be grateful for that. He hasn't contacted because he wants the best for you. It will help you to move on quicker. Why don't you read the previous posts that people took the time to write???.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 9:07am

i have to say that you're really insensitive. this board is for support and advice and yes, sometimes people tell you things you may not want to hear...i'm not talking about that..you are just very insensitive, i'm not sure why you are on here. the tone in your posts/responses are just really cold and harsh...i'm not sure why nobody else has said anything to you. sometimes people just want to vent, and maybe vivian just felt like venting, so why do you question her about being surprised about him not calling? that is not the issue. and who are you to say that her ex is doing the right thing and she should be grateful? what is the "right" thing and "wrong" thing? again, like a previous response you made...everything is not black and white, and vivian is the one going through this experience right now, and obviously, it wasn't the "right" thing for her. maybe, a cowardly letter would be good enough for you but obviously, vivian and maybe others wanted/needed a little more for closure. and yes, many guys may not have even written a letter, so compared to them, her ex is just great, but there are many others who would have done it in person. also, even if he did do the "right" thing according to you, why should she be grateful?...he should, we should all do the "right" thing, that's just how it should be, respect and common courtesy, that's not something we should be "grateful" for...it something we should expect.

all that aside, the point is, she needed to vent in her last post, why can't you just let it be? she seems to be feeling a little better, and finally maybe coming to terms and accepting it. because we're all human unlike you, we might take longer to accept things and come to terms with things. can't we just be happy that maybe there's one less person on here who's not hurting soooooooo much anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 10:43am

hi i just want to say Happy Thanksgiving Day!!!!! to everybody

i know it is hard for us to be happy but we have to. at least try

it is a new day and we have to make the best out of it. enjoy your friends and family and let forget for today what we going through. OHH and don't forget the food ENJOY IT !!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

Pages