Help with letting go
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:26pm |
This is the first time I have ever posted, but found these boards last week when my ex and I ended our relationship. Let me just say that I am SO thankful I stumbled across these boards bc I have turned to them almost daily seeking support and I have found just that.
My story is similar to many...I dated my ex for 2 years and made it through 2 breakups. Last Tuesday was the final goodbye and I am determined to let it go for good this time. As hard as we tried, we just didn't get along as we should have especially after he would get really drunk, which he refused to acknowledge that that is where 98% of our fights stemmed from. The timing of the break-up couldn't have been worse, with Thanksgiving just two days away. I was supposed to spend the day with his family and was more than excited to. My family is out of state and so was my roommate, so due to our break up, I spent the entire day alone. I can say with complete confidence that it was the worst day of my life. I didn't know I could cry that much. But now, I am thankful for that day because I believe that it made me realize that I could be alone on one of the most recognized days of the year to be with loved ones, and still survive. That day now gives me hope to move on because it is over and I made it through.
I still love my ex and know I will for quite some time. I miss him so much is makes me feel physically sick at times, but I think that is normal. Somedays have been really good and I have felt a lot of relief and other days have been dreadful. I can't stop imagining our fun times, how just a few days prior to the end he told me he loved me with all of his heart and adored me. Those are thoughts that can destroy a recovery, so I left them slip through my mind, acknowledge them, and then push them out and carry on. I've realized that I can't ignore them or I will never completely get over this.
I started counseling yesterday because mostly, I want to heal myself from all of the pain I have gone through during our relationship. Admitting to myself that I can't do this alone was probably more difficult that ending the relationship. I am a very prideful person so it was a huge step for me to seek counseling. I felt amazing afterwards, however. Also, I want to be strong enough to say no if he even tries to come back (as he has the past two times) because we do not work together. I also told him that I can not have contact with him in any shape or form because I can't move on that way. I truly think this is the only way if you are committed to leaving the past in the past.
I do want to share a couple of things that have helped me with the grieving process. I purchased a book/journal called Healing a Broken Heart. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences I have been through. If writing is an outlet for anyone like it is for me, I highly recommend this book. It isn't cheesy, but very calming and makes you go back through the thoughts of your relationship from start to finish and write about the good and the bad. It has begin to make me see what my relationship truly was instead of what I was hoping it could be. You can find it at Borders for about $15.
Finally, my mom sent me a card the first time my ex and I broke up and I was more than devastated. It was the best card I have ever received. I read it every night before I go to bed and carry it with me for when I am having a moment at work and want to cry. It empowers me and I hope it will do the same for some of you. This is what it says:
"Sometimes life leads you in a new direction. And even when you don't feel prepared, or when you don't want to change, you are forced to start over. Life is like that...there are no guarantees. It makes you feel scared or anxious or sad. But, after you've shed your last tear~just when you think everything is out of your hands~you take a deep breath and finally realize that you have complete control.
Survival is about reclaiming your "self". It is about learning to love who you are. It is about making wise choices, setting goals, and finding out what really makes you happy. It is about rediscovering those things you always wanted to do.
Happiness is something that comes from within. Nobody can provide it for you. You are a beautiful, caring, wonderful person. You are worthy of all good things. I know life is hard right now, but please know that I am always here for you. This is your new beginning! I can't wait to see what you do!"
Thanks for taking the time to read this and for posting your thoughts/stories that have helped me so much. Any comments are greatly appreciated as even though I am on the right path, days are still a challenge to get through...I appreciate all of you, even though I've never met you.
Happy Holidays!

Wow. Thanks for posting that. It sounds like you did the right thing and you have such a great state of mind. That card was beautiful, I think I got teary eyed. I don't think I am quite in a state where you are right now so your post helps me. I know you said you have your bad days, I think that will always happen. My mom died suddenly 17 years ago and I still have bad days over that!! The hardest thing for me right now is not being in contact and I was not strong enough to say 'don't contact me'. I probably should have. Mine will not come back as he is dating someone new.
Thanks again for your post. It has given me a glimmer of hope on a bad day. I'm heading to Europe on vacation with a girlfriend today and I should be more than excited but all I am is sad.
what a motivational post! thank you for posting the paragraph that was written in the card to you, i think i might have to print that out. it's great to hear that you have found so much comfort in these boards, so have i, and it's nice knowing other people are going through the same things as you, although i wouldn't wish these feelings upon anyone! we will all get through it. sometimes it's nice to have an unbiased party give advice, because your friends and family, while EXTREMELY helpful, are obviously emotionally involved in the situation and that might be reflected in what they tell you. it sounds like you're on the right track though, so i'm sure you know all this...
there are good days and bad days, and i never thought i could experience so many emotions at once, but i know one day i will look back at this time as a learning experience and a time of EXTREME growth. we have to take the positives from these situations i think, otherwise the mind can spiral out of control. anyway, i don't really know what i'm trying to say, kind of rambling, but i thought i'd let you know that your post was very comforting. take care!
First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you had to spend Thanksgiving alone. Looking at your post address it sounds like you are from KS and I live in KS so if I would have known that, I would have brought you over to my family's house for Thanksgiving. Noone should ever be alone on that day. You sound like a very strong person and your are taking great steps to get over your heartbreak. My ex dumped me 5 months ago and there are days where I still think about the good times we had and it does keep me from moving on so I try my best to think about the bad times and all involved liquor. My ex drank too much and I am just realizing that his lifestyle would have not been a good fit for my daughter and I. I keep thinking that thought and it helps me heal. I now know that if he ever came back to me that I have the strength to tell him to take a hike.
You keep up the good work and stay strong during this difficult time. It is very hard to deal with heartbreak during the holidays but if we can make it through these times, we can make it anytime. You have a lot of support on this board and a friend in KS who is here for you.
Wow- I am dealing with the same thing. I tried to make it work (for years), we went back several times, and I finally realized it would never be right for me. But there are always things you miss so much, a break-up leaves such a big hole. It's as though the problems (drinking, jealousy, inconsiderate, emotional manipulation) get smaller in your mind as you get lonely. It's easy to get pulled right back in again. But I'm finally feeling strong, and know that I can never be happy in that situation again. It's hard to believe that an intelligent strong woman can get sucked into a destructive relationship, you'd think we'd know better. But it can be overcome, I'm proof of that now, almost 4 months and I feel better every day. He still calls (I never answer), leaves messages telling me that he loves me, can't figure out why I am acting this way, blah, blah blah. I'm not concerned about how he takes it anymore, just proud to be moving on. I have a saying taped to my keyboard that I read during the day:
There will be a time when you believe everything is finished...
That will be the beginning.
I believe. Welcome to my beginning :-) I wonder what’s in store for me next…
donna33322,
I read your post and felt like those words were coming out of me. The problems I had with my ex were EXACTLY the ones you listed and I still ask myself the same question of how did I let it get to this point being the strong, intelligent person I know I am? Why did I let him become my whole world and lose myself in him, even after he did not respect me or show compassion to me all of the time instead of just part of the time? These are the exact questions that only I can answer and am determined to figure it out for the sake of my next relationship. Wow, thanks so much for posting because it is so comforting to know others deal with the same situations and have similar thoughts.
To all who have responded, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I took something away from each response that will help me. Today seems to be a more difficult day for me and I feel anger for the first time regarding our whole situation. I hope this means I am on to the next step of the grieving process! :)
I know the journey is going to be very long, but also am still in a great mind set to move on. I just take one day at a time and listen to my heart and let myself feel what I want to feel. Knowing that I can come back to this board at anytime for support puts a smile on my face.
Thanks again for the support and advice!