Help: Lost the baby, now I'm losing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Help: Lost the baby, now I'm losing him
5
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:11pm

Please help. In December I was briefly pregnant before losing it--which devastated me, and I'm still not over it--and now my fiance has backed out of our relationship as well. I know in my head he has the right to do this, if he wants a child very badly and I can't give him one, but in my heart I feel so overwhelmed by anger and sadness--and betrayed-- that I can't hardly stand to let it come to the surface.

He (50) and I (44) tried 2 years with lots of treatments and then had IVF in December. I was briefly pregnant and lost it just before Christmas (what rotten timing). We were both devastated, maybe me more than him at that time because he used his work as an escape. We had so many plans for the future, we were both so invested in having a child together, and when I lost it, my future felt like it had exploded.

Right after new year's he said he doesn't want to get married, and doesn't want to live together any more. Right now we are spending time together like normal (5 nights of 7) but he says he can't get over the idea of not having a baby, doesn't want to adopt, and doesn't want to use donor eggs. Since I couldn't have the baby(ies) he's completely cold on the idea of a future together. He says he loves me but he doesn't see our paths going forward together and wants space to figure out what he wants; I think he is making space to get the next 28-YO he meets pregnant, and marry her, and the three years I put into this are completely disregarded. I feel like I'm getting rejected for what my body's not able to do, and just so you know, I really *did* try very hard and was led to believe my chances were much better than the usual 44-YO.

I know I'm supposed to be grown-up about this, and I want to be. But I feel so alone--I am so angry and SAD... I don't even know what to direct it at--him, my body, science, timing, what. I don't know how to cope with all this loss, all at once. Any support or advice would make me feel a little less alone, thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:52pm

i'm so sorry to know that you lost your baby...i know that feeling coz i lost my baby too!!! well its very hard...seems like i wanted to die also just to be with my baby...BUT SOMEHOW IT CAME TO MY MIND..MY BABY WILL NEVER BE REST IN PEACE AND BE HAPPY..ESP IF I FEEL DEVASTATED..I NEED TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH AND MOVE ON TO MY LIFE...AT THAT TIME ALSO I'M LOSING MY BABYS DADDY..HIS MY FIRST LOVE...HE WAS BLAMMING ME...HE DID'NT BELIEVED ME THAT WE LOST ARE BABY HE THOUGHT THAT I ABORT OUR BABY...BUT GOD KNOWS!!! I DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO HIM...SOMEHOW I FIND OUT THAT HE WAS CHEATING ON ME AND ASK HIM OFCOURSE HE DENY IT!! HE GOT MAD AND PUSH ME....AND THATS IT!!! I BROKE UP WITH HIM AND HE BEG ME TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE..BUT I DIDNT ACCEPT IT...I HAVE TO MOVE ON!!!

WELL NOW I'M MUCH HAPPIER THAN EVER GOD GIVE ME MY WONDERFUL SON AND I THANK GOD FOR THAT .....

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU I KNOW ITS HARD TO GET PREGNANT AT YOUR AGE...BUT LOOK MY FRIEND SISTER IN LAW SHES ABOUT YOUR AGE TOO...SHE LOST HER BABY 3X, COZ SHE HAVE SOME PROBLEM..BUT GOD GAVE HER A PRECIOUS SON NOW......THE TRICK IS KEEP ON DOING IT...OR USED SOME FERTILITY MONITOR....

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:58am
You have a right to be sad and emotional. You do not have to act grown up and together when you feel the opposite. Do you be so hard on yourself, your situation is already a hard thing to handle. I believe some guys deal with their pain differently. You both need to heal and even though I do not agree with how he is going about it. Having a child to him must be really important. Nevertheless, he is selfish and really not worth your time if he just thinks that he can just up and leave like that. My boyfriend did that too, found someone else and just stopped calling and returning phone calls. It took me awhile and even though it still hurts, slowly I am beginning to see all the things he is he, that I don't want in my life. Everything happens for a reason, there is always a way to get over this hurdle. Life is full of them, its just one more on your life's journey. Keep on fighting you will be stronger if you can overcome it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 10:45am
I can so relate to your pain. I too am 44 and have my first appointment next week for IVF. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We have broke up 3 times due to me not being able to have a baby. The last time I agreed to untie my tubes but found out too much was burned when they were tied and it can not be done and our only option is IVF. I am going to give it a shot with lots of prayers and hope that I can have a baby. You really want to consider donor eggs because you will have better chances of having a baby. My fiance is much younger than I and will not live his life without a child of his own. He wants to use my eggs but I really feel I have better chance with donor eggs and I have a daughter that is 23 and able to help me out. So I am just starting my journey but I do feel if it is unsucessfull I have to let him go if that is what he chooses at that time. I dont ever want to hold him back. I dont really have much advise to you but you may want to consider trying IVF again. I wish you the best and am sending tons of baby dust your way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:05am

Thank you, ladies, for your kindness and support.

The baby thing is now kaput. Mr. Man sent an email today (at my work account) stating he will not get pg with donor eggs, and doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship right now. So, that's that.

Sherrygirl, we can discuss the IVF and fertility treatment merry-go-round if you like, offline. Feel free to email me .

Best wishes and hugs to everyone on this board. We are all at a transition point, and we're all looking for that newly-opened window now that God has closed a door.

Thanks
Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 3:26pm

hi princessmanners

you might consider reading this news at yahoo...i hope it will make sense!

The 62-Year-Old Mother

Posted by Deb Levine
on Fri, Mar 03, 2006, 11:24 am PST
Whoosh. A 62-year-old woman gave birth in mid-February to a healthy 6-pound, 9-ounce baby boy, becoming one of the oldest women in the world to successfully bear a child.
The newborn is the 12th child of Janise Wulf, who's also a grandmother of 20 and great-grandmother of three. And believe it or not, she's not the oldest woman on record to have given birth to a healthy child. That feat would go to a 66-year-old Romanian woman in 2005. The Guinness Book of World Records also lists two 63-year-old women who have given birth: one in Italy in 1994 and a Californian in 1996.

Should there be an age-limit on motherhood? There doesn't seem to be one for the U.S. Presidency - a job that most parents would say is equal in responsibilities to raising a child. ;)

BUT, if you bear your child in your sixties, you may be celebrating your 80th birthday when they graduate from college! And what about menopause - aren't these senior moms getting awfully close to those hot flashes? (There was a book written about this a few years back: Hot Flashes, Warm Bottles - but they weren't talking 60-year-old mothers then.)

What do you think? All the power to her for being healthy and doing what she wants to be doing? Or was she selfish for bringing a child into the world who will have a mother who could be her grandmother (or great-grandmother)?