Help me with Advice to give to my friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Help me with Advice to give to my friend
8
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:18am

I've posted before about my best friend and her boyfriend.

BACKGROUND:--> They've dated 18 months, he's been caught writing messages on myspace to other girls about "hooking up" and going to movies, etc... She never confronted him and believed that he really didn't do those thing was just writing them. He's very emotionally abusive to her, if she ever got angry with him in any way he would turn it around to where it was her fault. He destroyed her self-esteem and her confidence. She believes she has nothing to offer, but yet she's gorgeous (blonde, tall, curvy body, etc..), has a great personality and any guy would be lucky to have her.<--

Finally this past Thursday he called her on his lunch break and told her he wants to go on a break because he has too much financial stuff happening in his life right now, and he needs to get everything sorted out without having a girlfriend. She said okay, and asked him what they were going to tell people, he told her that they would tell people that they were still together, just taking some time apart. He said that he wasn't going to go out and try and find any other girl.

Thursday night, he logged into myspace and changed his status from "in a relationship" to "single". This upset her immensely, as you can imagine. Friday, she and I went horseback riding, had dinner, and just relaxed at my apt. When she left my apt. She has to drive through the town where he is from and saw his truck in town with a lot of people around the vicinity. She assumed he was there too. She called me crying, and I calmed her down enough to where she decided to call him, he, of course, didn't answer the phone. She called me back, and I talked to her and got her calmed enough so she could finish driving home as it was late.

Saturday he texted her asking her what she wanted when she called the night before, she told him she wanted to talk in person because he was in town. He claimed he wasn't that he was in another town with a good friend of his, that his truck was just parked there. She believed him and has now convinced herself they are gonna get back together very soon.

I believe, scratch that, I know that he's lying to her once again. I just can't get my friend to see this, she thinks the world of him even though everyone around her, can't stand him and knows that he's a liar and manipulator. I know I can't convince her, that she has to see this on her own.

She's going through a really rough time right now, and I was wondering if there was any advice anyone could give me to give to her.

I've already told her to not call him, and to change his name on her phone to "DO NOT CALL". I've told her that it will happen the way its supposed to, and that she just has to keep herself busy. As my break-up happened almost a year ago, she's really looking to me to help her, and I've just been through it.

Any more suggestions...

Thanks in advance.

~Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:01pm

The seems indeed abusive toward her and disrespectuful to say the least. She's been in an abusive relationship, yet she wants to get back together. It's a vicious cycle. Unfortunately, you cannot do things for your friend and make her drop the guy like a hot potato. She needs to see things for herself. Nobody can make her see the true light until she's prepared to do so. She may be clinging to this guy because she indeed is convinced that she's not worth a penny. That needs professional help you know. Being gorgeous, blonde, tall, curvy and such is not enough to feel good about oneself. If she doesn't feel smart and worth of good things her appearance won't make a difference. In fact, if she gets out this relationship and goes to another one she will be the same insecure person she was in the first. She changed partners, but not she's the same person.

One thing that you could do is show her the posts you've received about this guy and his rude behavior. Perhaps, by reading the info from strangers she could come to her senses and see that this guy is not good for her.

I'd also ask her about where is the respect that a man owes a woman in a relationship? Where the happy moments and the good things went. In a way, it'd be a good thing for her to be alone for a while to rebuild her self esteem and analyze what she wants out of life. Maybe focus on her studies and career first, become a healthier person and then get back into the dating scene.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:26pm

Hi manno001 - it's sad to watch a friend be in the position that your friend is in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:22pm

hi amber,

you know what amber onething i could tell u...you know better..you been there and i know its been a yr now since u and ur ex broke up right???

for right now my advise is just be a good listener to ur friend...if ever dont tell her something bad about the exbf cuz u might look bad to ur friend and u dont want that right??? just like u said she blind...plus they broke up so what ever the exbf doing is none of her business now...i know its hard to understand that esp if we are on that position....let me ask u something what about u?? how's every going to u??

now u are the BEST EXAMPLE THAT U COULD GIVE TO UR FRIEND..TRUST ME UR THE ONE!!!

hey best of luck for both of you...tell ur friend just hang on there..she'll be oky!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:21am

That's exactly what I've been doing just listening to her, and comforting her. The problem is she's not allowing herself to grieve. Because he asked for a "break" not a "break-up" she thinks they're gonna get back together soon and it'll be fine. She's kinda living in lala land.

He continues to call her 3 times a day which is more than he did when they were together. He told her last night that he talked to me yesterday for 30 minutes. I never talk to him, so that was a lie. He claims he was just joking, but he does crap like that to make her jealous. He also told her he has 4 other girls trying to sleep with him. Why in the heck would he say that to her??? He's such an ass.

As for me. Everything is going peachy. My ex and I still hang out pretty regularly. He's fast becoming one of my very best friends. I'm enjoying my life, and everyone in it at this point, and I have absolutely no complaints other than my best-friends (ex)boyfriend.

Thanks.

~Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:26pm
yap your right guys are like that "THEY LIKE MAKING US JEALOUS"...they always giving us a reason to be mad at them AND if we did they get pissed and blame it to us....confusing right???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 1:06pm

Hi Amber, you're a really good friend. I can see that you care about your friend and deperately want to help her. I had a boyfriend who said he wanted to marry with me and even got a ring for me. He pressured me to let him have dinner with my family and his father. I knew something wasn't right but he was so sweet that I couldn't see what was wrong. Until one day, my friend told me she met him online and told her he's single, he asked for her number to try to meet up with her. My friend told me to dump him immediately.

Though I knew she was trying to help, she made me lose my confidence. I didn't want her to keep insisting that I break up with him or say negative things about him. I know deep down I have to break it off but I was confused and part of me. When had more time by myself and got to think, I realized what I had to do. It was easier than I thought without the pressure of everyone pushing me to do what THEY think is best for me. A year later he tried to get back with me and confessed he was see someone else when we were together, he wanted to compare girlfriends to find the best one. I thank him for his honesty but told him I have moved on.

It is obvious to you, as an outsider to what's happening to your friend, but it's easy to get blind when you're in the relationship. Try to put yourself in your friend shoes. Don't push her to do what YOU think is right. Don't make her feel bad for not breaking up with him. Don't bring him up unless she mentions him. Give advice when she ASKS for it. You should give her compliments on how good she looks and that any guy would jump at the chance to be with her but be sincere. Tell her you'll support her no matter what's her decision, regardless if you think it's wrong. Tell her to listen to her gut and know she make the best decison for herself. Call to check up on her and go out with her, if she sees that guys really are interested in her, it'll boost her confidence. She doesn't have the confidence to realize she can do better than this guy, give her that confidence.

She's not a child, she knows she's in a bad relationship, just give her time to realize it's time to move on. You can help by praising, supporting, complimenting and lending a shoulder to cry on. Do less talking and more listening. I think she wants someone to hear what she's feeling, do so but don't be forceful. Instead of saying, why should break up with that jerk, look at what he's doing to you. Say I see you're not happy with him, it breaks my heart to see you like this, let me know what I can do to help.

I have a friend who was with this verbally abusive jerk. I was upset she couldn't see that. I was forceful with my advice, I told her "You HAVE to break up with that jerk!" and explain to her that she deserves better. She broke down in tears when I told her that. We were in a restaurant and I could only imagine how embarassed she felt. In her words she said "I know he's a jerk but I don't have confidence to find better guy. I don't want to end up old and alone." I felt TERRIBLE. I tried a different approach by stop giving her advice she didn't ask for. I tried to build her confidence by telling her she looked great, took her out to clubs to check out guys, spent alot of time with her every day. She slowly built the confidence to tell that guy off, I was there when she did it. I praised her, told her I was impressed and literally clapped my hands and gave her a hug. She eventually started dating other guys and didn't need my help to break it off with guys that didn't treat her like royalty.

I hope I was helpful. Sorry for writing so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:53pm

Your advice was very helpful, thank you.

I've never told her to break-up with him, and I only give advice when she asks for it. She asked me Saturday night what I think about the whole thing, and I told her straight up that I believe he's lying to her.

She's always had low self-esteem for reasons no one really understands. I do hope eventually she sees that this guy isn't good for her, but it has to be her decision. The worst thing that could happen would be for them to end up getting married, then she'll really be in for hardship.

We were talking on the phone late last night, and she even asked me if she talks about him too much, that if I wanted her to shut up to tell her. I told her that it was fine, that if she can't talk to her best friend about it who else is she gonna talk to. She agreed.

I know all I can do is be here for her, but its hard sometimes. I just wanna shake her sometimes.

All I'm gonna continue to do is be here for her. Her shoulder to cry on. That's all I can do.

Thanks again.

~Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:33am

Hi Amber, is your friend in school. If she is, there are counselors in schools that she might be able to talk to. They might be able to refer her to someone as well. When I had problems with a guy who affected me so much it interferred with my daily activities, I made an appointment to see a counselor/therapist on my campus' health center. I was able to speak to her privately, and the session was completely confidential. My tuition covered for visits to the campus' health centers so I didn't have to worry about it being costly. They're licensed doctors and if there is a problem they can't handle they will refer you to a different doctor. I felt uncomfortable telling her all these private and somewhat embarassing things about me, but after saying them out loud I felt better. She helped me analyze my problem and then gave me tips on how to handle it. Though I didn't follow everything she told me to do, the problem eventually went away.

Perhaps you can suggest that to your friend, to find a professional opinion on her situation. Sometimes, a professional's opinion and advice but be more effective than the ones coming from the friends and family of a person. It's said it's easier to speak to a stranger than someone close to you. I personally take a professional's advice my seriously and open up more to them than to people close to me, that's just me. I feel they will be less critical and judgemental. They are also not affected by my situation because they don't know me and able to analyze the situation better. I think they would be better at handling problems and give more effective advice because that's what they do every day, it's their profession.