Help me break up with her!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Help me break up with her!!
8
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:33am
I need all the advice I can get. I really appreciate anything could help me get out of this emotional pain and stress. I caught my girlfriend cheating on me 3 weeks ago. It was the most painful thing I had every experienced. It's been a year since we are together and after 6 months into relationship I had to move to a different state. But we both decided to see each other once a month and then after her apt lease is over, she would move with me. But I found out she was cheating on me while I was away. My love for this girl is more than I can imagine, I would never thought I could forgive her and I actually did..She kept telling me I am the one who she loves and she can not see me w/o her and she can not stand seeing another girl with me and etc..So I broke down and took her back, despit she wont see other guy at all..She hold herself for a week...then she slept with him again...Again, I was torn and in a mess..I forgave her again and I know everyone has told me that I should not have and move on..If I could really tell anyone how much I care for this girl..These 3 weeks been the most painful time of my life..she still keeps calling me every morning like use to and tells me she loves me and I know she still talk to the other guy..I am hurting myself which I shouldn't..I was honest with her in our relationship and I wanted her to be the same...we were really happy together, even friends and family could see how much we loved each other..she still tells me she loves me, and I guess I like to hear that and it makes me weak to break up or anything..but it hurts me when she tells me she still talk to the other guy (they work in a same place)..I told her to write down the things she doesnt like about me...She came up with nothing..that made her cry and made me cry too since I cant see her hurt..My heart say something different than my brain...I found myself crying to sleep and waking up crying...But, I get this little hope when she calls me and talks like nothing has happend..then after few hours, I go back to normal mess...Finally, this weekend I am flying down to her and I really need to do something about this. I know that he is going to call when I am there and I can not stand it..I know it is my choise and I should break up..how do I do that while she tells me she loves me!!!?!? She has no idea what she has put into and what pain and mess I am...This weekend got to be the last weekend..I want to break it up and feel good about it..so I can be in less pain...Please, any help or advice would really be appreciated...

Thank you,

Brad

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 10:55am
Brad,

I don't know how to break up with someone....I have the attitude that it'll work if you just work on it. But it takes TWO people...and she's just not there for you. She's cheating on you....that's the one thing I don't think I could ever forgive. She says she loves you? You don't hurt the ones you love....you don't go out and do hurtful things, ever. She keeps hurting you by calling and telling you she loves you.....she is the one who created the situation, and she should be big enough to know she has to live with the consequences.....which is the end of the two of you. I'm so very, very sorry that this has happened to you. i can understand the pain you must be going through. My situation, although it doesn't involve pysical cheating, is similar cause I am still very much in love with my ex. And I know how much it hurts. Be strong. Don't let this drag out. *Try* not to do anything pysical with her...it'll make it that much harder on YOU. She's using you. Plain and simple. She knows she can get emotional support from you, and she draining you dry. Good luck Brad. Let us know how it turns out.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 12:36pm
Brad, re-read the posts responding to your first thread here. Then realize that a person who is cheating is caught up in a melodrama of her own making, and in that drama, she has passion and intensity and the love of two men. That's her drama, and you do not have to play a role in it. You need to throw some cold water on all of this - it isn't passionate or dramatic or intense or interesting to intentionally hurt someone you claim to love, it is cruel and immature and intolerable. And you're not going to tolerate it any more. You're using her playbook here, playing along as one leg of a triangle. Remove yourself from the situation. You put you first, and you deserve to have a loving partner who is faithful to you. Insist that is what you get, and if it's not with her it will be with someone else. Tell her you will not tolerate it for one more day, it is not some dramatic Hollywood moment, it is the very cruel and deliberate betrayal of your trust and evidence of her disrepect for you that she continues doing this, and you will not tolerate it for one more day. Then don't tolerate it for another day. Cut her off. You have to do it for you, and, honestly, though you are torn with love for her at the moment, you have to realize that you cannot build a life with someone like this. For you to forgive her and "make it work," she would have to want to make this right, to make it up to you, to offer to get into counseling (and mean it), that's the only way to salvage a relationship torn by adultery, but she's not offering any of that, she is totally unapologetic and unconcerned at how much this has hurt you. You know you are better off without a person like that in your life. Yes, we all make mistakes, but few of us persist in deliberately hurting someone we love, her apparent indecision is immaturity and callousness and not a good sign for a future together.

You've asked this question, and have received the answer, in your prior post - just stop, stop taking her calls, stop seeing her, it's not as if she won't know WHY you're doing it. Just get off the rollercoaster, and back to reality. She's living in a fantasy world where she's torn between two lovers, caught up in the anguish and longing and guilt, but here in the real world the consequence of that kind of betrayal is that you're out on your butt. Put her there. She may come around, or she may not, but you have to be strong - tell her she has hurt you terribly, that you deserve better, then walk out the door. We're all willing to support you during the process of grieving for the loss of your relationship, but you have to take the step to extricate yourself from an untenable situation. For crying out loud, don't go see her. Tell her how it's got to be - she can't seem to commit to a decision, so you'll make it easy for her - you can't live like this, you won't, so you wish her the best but don't contact you again. Then enforce it. And be aware that most cheaters will try to wheedle their way back, but have every intent of trying to keep their cake and eat it too, so you must keep your resolve if she starts contacting you after the breakup. Maybe, with time and counseling and self-motivation, she could change, but that will not happen in a matter of hours, days, or weeks, so you need to not fall into the trap of going back to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 3:09pm
I agree with milton333's last post. Be strong and cut her off cold turkey. My ex did that to me and it was probably the best thing that could have happened for both of us. I have a lot of respect for him. You say you love her, but she probably doesn't even love herself or is extremely selfish and therefore is incapable of loving you back. For your own future happiness, you have to say goodbye. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish there was more that I could say to help you. But the truth is, there is no easy way to break up with someone. If you have enough courage to love this girl, you also have enough courage to end it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:40pm
I also agree with milton. One million percent. I was also in a relationship with someone who continually betrayed my trust, but insisted he loved me more than anything, and I kept giving him 'one more chance'. You probably shouldn't go see her, but if you do, do it for one reason only: closure. If you can break it off over the phone, all the better. Let her know you can't let her hurt you like this anymore. You have no reason to believe she won't keep hurting you. If it's too much of a hassle to change your number, block hers. I don't know if this works with all phone companies, but here you can block a number by dialing *60. (It doesn't work on my cell, so I'll be buying a new phone with a blocking feature.) She'll get the hint when she first tries to call. If she still manages to get through, she has absolutely zero concern for your feelings, nor your well-being. I wish you the best. Please don't let her suck you back in like I let him do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:04pm
It is over..We broke up and it was much more pain that I ever thought it would be..I had a panic attack last night so I had to go to ER..she called when I was in ER and she sounded concern, but afterwards, she said she think she love the other dude more..ouch..that really ripped me apart..I started crying..I don't know why..She asked me not to come down this weekend (I already bought the non-refundable ticket). She said if I go down, I can not stay with her. Here we go again, another stab on me...I can not believe things changed this quick!!!! This girl could not go a minute without talking to me and tell me how our future is gonna be and I had never loved anyone more than her..She started talking that stupid line that I will love and care for you always..and bunch of BS...First she cheated on me and after all she did to me, she tells these?????? If any of you guys would known us, you would be in total shock..no one see it coming..even her parents were pissed when they found out..Now, I feel like a dead person..I sit there and dont move and cry most of times..not that I try..it just comes out...it has effected my work bad and the sad thing is I am new to this area and have no one to even hang out or talk to, not even at work(Work alone in one office)....I totally wish there was a pill I could take and forget the past year before meeting her even...Gosh it hurts and burns inside...I am going nuts..I donno what to do..Help please...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:43pm
First thing you do, call the airline and cancel the ticket. Most non-refundable tickets are reusable within a year, for a fee, but at least you get the value of the ticket IF you call and cancel before the first flight leaves.

Second, thank your lucky stars that she did this for you when you could not! Take it one day at a time, and DO NOT CONTACT HER or allow her to contact you (she sounds emotionally unhealthy enough that she might go back and forth, if only because she misses the attention and the drama). You WILL get better, in time, if you don't have contact and you work on accepting that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other (and how can she be if she's a cheater?).

Sheri

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:24pm
I agree with Sheri. Here's what no one wants to ever hear.....it's for the best (God, I like to strangle everyone who says that to me these days). Don't focus on the good things....every relationship has good things....think about those bad things, the reasons why it'd be good to end the relationship...they'll put it in a different light. It's ok to think about the nice things, but for me, they make it more painful. You'll make it through. if I can, you can. we'll support each other on this one! If you wanna chat, I'm on msn, or you can e-mail me. Take care of yourself......even if you may not feel like it, you are important to many people who just want the best for you.

karen

kmjohnson21@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 3:03am
i know that u are going through a rough time and the best advice i can give u is to let her go. she does not love u, respect u, or consider ur feelings in the relationship. u are hurting urself by staying together and if she continues to use "i love you" to get u to stay with her than question her love she supposedly claims to have for u. ask her hard questions that will really make her think. like, "if u love me, why did u cheat on me?" and "if u love me, why would u cheat on me twice after knowing u hurt me the first time?"

if i am correct, she will most likely have no reason and hesitate to answer u.

I'm sorry to say, but she has no idea what LOVE is or the true meaning behind it. What she is doing to u is nothing like she claims. In my perspective (what i read so far) her action towards u and the relationship basically say: i dont care, i do what i want when i want, he'll keep forgiving me, i have him in the palm of my hand, i control his feeling and the relationship. Sorry to say, these r ur girlfriends thoughts about u. It's just like that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater". Put ur foot down and take control. whatever u do, dont follow in her foot steps and cheat on her out of frustration and pain. dont sleep with someone else to get even with her. u will only make things worse. just do the right thing and stay away from her. Heck, change ur phone number if u have to...thats what i did....dont let her walk all over u. take control of urself and the situation. its in your hands to do whats right.....for your sake..... good luck