Help me move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
Help me move on!
3
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:58pm

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and I broke up over 8 months ago (due to his moving out of state--for one year of that time we kept things long-distance). Right after we ended things, I quickly rushed into a new relationship--I was basically seduced by an attractive, almost polar-opposite fellow. Due to my fear of lonliness and my conviction that this new guy would "rock my world" I felt relatively no breakup pain for my ex. Fast forward several months and the new guy and I are freshly broken up. Since my ex-ex boyfriend and I said we would keep our hearts open for a reunion, I led myself to believe that maybe we could rekindle the romance when we got together over the upcoming holidays. After a wonderful conversation the other night (we've kept in touch by talking once a week), I just decided to ask him (just to be sure) if he had a girlfriend at the moment. Well, turns out he does (he has been seeing someone for the past two months). I was heartbroken and felt like a fool for calling him all those times and never getting a call back (probably due to the fact that he was with her). He told me he hand't wanted to hurt my feelings, but I think that was just a formality--a way of saying "I've moved on."

Well, obviously I haven't. I realized that all along I've been harboring all of these romantic feelings for him--hoping that if he moves back to Texas someday (and really, I am starting to doubt that's going to happen), that we could be together again. I didn't feel half as much pain when we officially broke up. Now it is all that's on my mind--so much so that it's making my behavior annoying--I have called him b/c I want to make peace with the situation, to tell him I have to stop looking for him in my future, but he has ignored me. The situation has made me practically obsessive and I've resolved myself to stopping. I am unsure whether or not we will see each other over the holidays--to make our breakup official in person (we broke up over the phone and haven't seen each other since--only phone and email).

So after all this, what I basically want to get at is: how do you REALLY detach from a love (who never ever did anything to hurt you or make you upset except for moving away). I know that when I see him so many feelings will rush back (and yes, I am going to see him--there is no talking me out of that one). How do I control myself, my emotions, and my desperation to have him back when we're face to face? In the meantime, how do I move on and stop picturing him with this new girl (whose picture he has posted on his website). I can't stop myself from comparing myself to her now...

Please, any advice helps...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:53pm

Hi movingonintx,
I think you're on the right track and saying (typing) the right things, but ... I do think you're still in the stage of trying to convince yourself you mean the things you're saying here. Know what I mean?

I can imagine that it would be quite difficult to move on from a relationship where really nothing was wrong except for moving away. But ... he has moved on and you need to, too! Why obsess over a man who is no longer available to you!? No one can help you but YOU!

You've said you want to see him and there's "no talking me out of that," ... but you must ask yourself ... what good is it really going to do for you? Do you really think it's the healthiest thing you could do for yourself when you KNOW that a flood of emotions and memories are going to come over you? Is that what you need to detach, really?

The best thing you could do is start detaching yourself from him by removing things that remind you of him -- no pictures, no listening to your favorite songs that remind you of him, no visiting his Website, no calling him. Emotionally, focus on YOU and the things you enjoy -- spend time with friends, put yourself into your hobbies, etc. If you are too busy taking care of yourself, you won't have the energy to focus on him so much.

There are a couple of books you might want to check out:
"How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern &
"Obsessive Love: When it Hurts to Much to Let Go" by Dr. Susan Forward

Best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:25pm

I wish I could help, but I read your words and it brings it very close to home. The feeling of being obsessive, the feeling that you've made a fool of yourself. Just today I called my ex and he was just getting off a plane with his new girlfriend. I cried all afternoon. You go back and forth - do you fight for him and make a fool of yourself or do you just decide that if they don't love us enough then I guess it's a good thing they have allowed us to move on.

It has been almost one year since he has been dating this other girl and my heart still hurts so badly. I too need any advice someone may have. Don't you just look at yourself and say - come on - grow up and move one with your life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:42am
Well sweetie, I have been there. And quite recently I must say. My situation is a little different because my ex did do things to hurt me. No cheating, just lies. Lies that caused him to go to jail and me to file for a divorce. I still love? him. I seen him the other day and yes, I am remarried now to someone else, and yes he knows this. And YES, he is living with someone else right now.
It's so strange because we are very attracted to each other and miss each other, but I am married now. By the way, I did not cheat on my husband, we really just met for coffee. But I can relate to you wanting to see your ex. I wanted to also. Is it because I wanted him to see what he lost? Maybe. I'm not sure what I thought would become of it. He said he'd call me to have lunch the next day and I waited for that call, and NO CALL until the day after that. It was the first time that I was second. I hated it!! And what the hell...I am married. I have NO intention on cheating or having an affair. Anyway, that broke my heart all over again. It reinforces thoughts and memories of a time when you are first and if someone else wanted their attention, well they'd have to be put off because you are number uno in his life. Why do I care?? He screwed it up to begin with. See, he does tell me he loves me and that he is not happy where he is. This makes it all the harder, but when he doesn't call when he says, then she must mean something. What does he want from me???? Anyway, I have come to this conclusion: I will no longer allow anyone other than myself the type of power that makes me depressed and sad. And if I were with him and was never married, then I would have to wonder each time a song came on that he liked if he was thinking of her....if he took me somewhere we had never gone before, did he take her there......a car drives by and he takes a second look, does she drive that kind of car?? I don't think I would want to witness him getting over another woman!! So honey, see him and be yourself. Be confident and let him go! Let him go get over YOU while he is with her. She knows about you....and did HE post her picture on his website or did she have alot to do with that because she DOES know about you?? Think of all the things she must wonder about you. I mean you're the one she has to replace. And honey, don't rush things...allow him time to heal and decide if this new relationship is working or not. I mean seriously, what kinda hell would you be putting yourself through even if you did get him back RIGHT now??? Think about it...which means think about you first and all the hell you're AVOIDING not MISSING! It's just your mind playing tricks on you. It's hard to finish in second place, I know, but even if you got back together right now, do you feel like you are number one really?? There will be an unavoidable doubt there. Let it go, you will feel so free. Retrain your brain sweetie. STOP saying I miss him and I love him...start saying I know if I am thinking about him then he is probably thinking about me...be unavailable, he WILL call you again and when he does have the will power to cut it short and be happy..HE WILL CALL AGAIN, I promise!! Mine does!! Anyway, good luck. Hope I helped you in some way!