Help me out ladies...please..sorry..long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Help me out ladies...please..sorry..long
2
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:23pm

Quick history... J and I were together two years total off and on. The breakups (and there were many) would occur as I would start feeling incredibly smothered and started to pull away from him and become very distant. After a brief separation I would be able to breathe and take him back. During this two years, we were engaged twice...after one fight (I was school full time and working full time with two kids) he said I didn't give him enough time and left me...ended up in bed with a coworker almost immediately...we got back together and she stalked him for some time...but I was patient. After another break up he immediately got a new girlfriend (and again a coworker)...we got back together (I was able to breathe again)...he continued to work with her. He could have quit it was a second part time job...I even offered to give him the money to make up the difference...we were in love after all. Stupidly, I started "investing" in our future, draining my resources and making up for his shortcomings.

This man cried a lot...and he always had to have a hand on me...would follow me into the bathroom...and on his days off he would spend the day with me at my office!!!...He wouldn't go out with his friends, spend time alone with his son, expected me to see him while at work (he worked graves). After HI, he went to doctor, went on meds and the crying subsided. He did nothing when he found his 14 year old son was stealing from me and my house, except make him return what he still had. Incidentally, he has told me twice now that as my partner he should come before my children??? My friends say he was manipulating me with emotions, using me for money, and wasn't really in love with me but more of the idea of who he could make me. I say he loved me but could have loved anybody...that his insecurities overrode any other emotion he had. What do ya'll think? Is there a point where you just have to let it go, no matter how much you love em???

I think I know the answer but I just need to hear it...
He's a good guy but I think afraid of abandonment (left over from first marriage is my guess) and his neediness just choked the life out of me. I feel guilty over this break up because I hurt him (Yup, I'm the ultimate people pleaser, wanna fix everything kind of gal), and I struggle cause I know I can end my guilt and his pain with one phone call. I'm a smart girl, just having a hard time with this man...I think in some ways I think I can fix his depression and will make him happy. When he was happy, I was major in love with him...he didn't seem so needy, we would do things, he would laugh, and his eyes would light up...but he would become gloomy and more needy and I more distant.

Help...please???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:54pm

I think you two have got a classic case of co-dependency and commitment issues on your hands, although I'm not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg in this case.

Meaning, I'm not sure if your smothered feelings came from him being too needy and clingy, or if his needy and clingy behavior came from your tendency to distance yourself. I think almost anyone would feel smothered in your situation, but yo have to ask yourself if this was his issue alone, or if you somehow contributed to its creation. The co-dependency comes in where a really healthy person would have stayed gone, whereas you keep coming back, thinking you can "fix" him.

Simple answer is that you two don't make a good couple because you don't bring out the best in one another, you actually bring out your worst tendencies just by "being" yourselves. I'm not saying that as an insult or a criticism, what I'm saying is that you each have tendencies that are exacerbated by being specifically with each other. That's not a "star-crossed lovers" romance situation, it's just an unhealthy one for both of you.

Get two books:
Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beatty, I believe
and
He's Scared, She's Scared by Carter and Sokol. I think you'll be very surprised to find that you may be what's called an Active Runner in a commitmentphobic cycle, in which case your screen name is quite prophetic. It's not so much the running away from the relationship as it is the coming back to do it all over again. And again.

Good luck,

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:27pm

Sandra,

No...not taken at an insult as all...I think what you have to say is right on the button...actually about everything. I can't answer whether or not I become distant first or he becomes needy first and that is what is making me feel so crazy...I start to look at things and I start feeling like I am the one who pulls away and then I feel bad...so when he gets in touch, I apologize about my bad behavior, etc. etc. etc.

I am a fixer, that I won't deny. I guess my clarity comes in the form of answering the question whether or not this is a healthy relationship, which I agree with you and don't think it is...but from my position I don't want to give up. There is an addiction to the cycle there and what I want is for both of us to be happy and healthy.

I'm not too prideful in that I am more than willing to admit that I've contributed but he is so quick to point the finger...everything is my fault and he never ever can see that he shoulders some blame...thus the on again off again with his medications. He feels good, he stops...then he starts tearing me apart.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback and I will check into the books.
Thanks.