Help me please
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| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 10:05pm |
Me again.
I am the one whose ex left me and our 2 kids. Well today he told me why he really split with me. He told me basically that I never cuddled with him or spent much time together. That he woke up every morning wondering if I was going to yell at him or be mean to him. Hearing this broke my heart. I know I was not a good girlfriend in most cases. I have a lot of being too close problems. I love him so much and when he was telling me this I wanted to be like please come back and I will prove to you I am not that way. He already has a new girl and I know they are all happy and it makes me sick. He's getting the attention I should have gave him. He was so good to me. Of course we had our problems like any other relationship, but I just didn't try. He told me we don't have anything in common and it's to late. I don't want it to be too late!!!
How can I show him that I will change and love him so much??? I really love him and am having such a terrible time with all of this. I know him more than anyone and I know we could make this work. We were together for 6 years!!!!
Please help me!!!

aerdna22026...
Pianoguy might be completely off-base here...BUT...you seem to be looking for a "guarantee" that if you INCREASE your affection, your former b/f will take you back?
Here's the problem....at least from my perspective.
Any woman (or man for that matter) that turns affection 'on and off like a water faucet' will only succeed in confusing the people they're with! What's even worse...is that by 'pretending or forcing affection'---you'll end up making yourself EVEN MORE MISERABLE THAN YOU ALREADY ARE!
While 6 years is a V--E--R--Y--L--O--N--G--T--I--M--E to be in a relationship with someone, it's obvious that your EX couldn't tolerate...or at least couldn't accept...'the lack of love and affection' you displayed. So he bailed...and found a woman whose behavior was more 'in sync' with what he wanted (and probably NEEDED)!
Rather than mess up his happiness for the sake of your own...why not LEARN from your past mistake instead? You CAN'T UNDO what has already occurred. That chapter of your life is over.
Instead...take an HONEST LOOK AT YOURSELF and YOUR FEELINGS!
If you can make a few alterations when it comes to 'sharing your heart with someone'---without completely caving in based on the fear of losing a man to someone else---I'll bet
your next relationship will be multiplied by (at least) 6?
And 36 years of being with the same man...whose love for you equals the amount of love you have for him...certainly isn't shabby!!!
Pianoguy
Morning Aerdna,
Sorry to hear about your pain. It is always painful when people tell us why they think things won't work. It's too bad it had to get to this before he told you. Did he ever tell you these things when you were together?
Some of them may be true, but don't believe everything he says contributed to why you broke up. Many people have nothing in common but stay together happily. Or they make something in common.
One of the best things to do when other people move on is to try and act like you're moving on as well. There's nothing more attractive than an ex that says ok, somebody else thinks I'm sexy and wonderful. This is a perfect opportunity to work on those things he mentioned, get a makeover, get some counseling, or whatever will make you feel like $1 million.
His new relationship with this girl will wear a bit on him in a little while, and the farther you stay from interacting with him, the more he'll forget your weaknesses. This is not to say he'll change his mind, but focusing on YOU right now and what you will do in the future is where you want to be. Try not to focus on him coming back. He'll do that if he wants to, in his own time, and probably if you're no longer seeming to be interested in that.
Hug yourself, make yourself over, and start looking around at other guys to see who's out there. No matter what happens, you will FEEL better being this way instead of trying to get him back.
Hugs.
Hmm, I tend to disagree with PG on this one.
::I have a lot of being too close problems.
Are you in counseling to address this issue you have identified?
:: He already has a new girl and I know they are all happy and it makes me sick. He's getting the attention I should have gave him.
Even if you won him back, could you get over the fact that he's already with someone else? What if he wanted to still talk to her and hang out with her even if he was back with you?
::He told me we don't have anything in common and it's to late. I don't want it to be too late!!!
I'm sorry...if he's saying this, you really have no other choice than to believe him. Sometimes it's a case of 'too little, too late' he's waited 6 years for things to change or be better or whatever, now he's done waiting. Sometimes, there is a 'switch' in people and after a certain time, things change, they get to the point of no return.
::How can I show him that I will change and love him so much???
If he's not staying in contact with you, giving you hints that he's interested, there really isn't anything you can do. Because if you start lavishing attention on him, calling him, etc. he will only be annoyed that you aren't letting go.
::I really love him and am having such a terrible time with all of this.
Grieving is hard. It's a painful time for you. You can get through it if you put your mind on your healing.
::I know him more than anyone and I know we could make this work.
It takes two people working on it to fix it and make it work. You can't do in alone. Part of grieving is, grieving for what might have been, for what could have been 'if only', for what you hoped would have been.
Reading material to consider:
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
The only advise I can give you is to not act desperate. Tell him how you feel, let him know you want him back and you are willing to prove him wrong. Tell him this and then leave him alone. Don't beg! That will only turn him off and make him pitty you. If you were together for 6 years then chances are he still has feelings for you. You can't just get over someone in a month or two after you've been together for so long. My advise is to tell him how you feel, be strong and confident and then give him time and space.