Help Needed ASAP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Help Needed ASAP!
2
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 6:29pm

I posted a message last week about helping me end a 6 year relationship, you can read it, it might help understand.

O.K. I need your help, I have been with my bf for 6 1/2 years and I have posted on here about our problems, no sex, no love, we just really don't do anything that people in a normal relationship would do. This has been going on for about 3 years like this and we told each other we were going to try but it always ends up the same. He and I finally talked about things today at lunch. He brought things up and by the end of lunch I told him that things haven't been good for 3 years now and that maybe we should just move on and he said he would get his things out of the house and he would leave. It isn't easy and it hurts, but I know that it is for the best and we really should just move on.

My problem is that he just called me and first of all started telling me thank you for everything I have done for him and that besides his Grandma I am the only other person that he has. Then he goes on and starts asking me if this is what I really want and I told him that I think that since we have been trying to make things better for 3 years now and it hasn't gotten any better that it is a good sign that it just isn't working out and that we need to move on. This is where I have a hard time staying strong, this is the point I usually give in and tell him "let's try again" knowing deep down that we shouldn't. I just feel really sorry for him, because I know he does care about me. I am sure he is going to be there when I get home and I don't know what to tell him without hurting him. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 7:17pm

"I am sure he is going to be there when I get home and I don't know what to tell him without hurting him. Any suggestions?"

Yes. Stop worrying so much about hurting HIM, and instead focus in on how NOT ending things will be hurting you BOTH in the long run. It may be a momentary sting to his ego, and to yours, as break ups almost always are. But the longer it's drawn out and pushed aside the harder and harder it'll get.

To minimize the sting of the split, keep the reasoning and conversation to how it's the right thing, you BOTH want this, and how you'll BOTH bennifit. You've been there for him, that won't change. You're only BF/GF on a matter of technicality right now anyway, truthfully you are roommates. Friends. You don't do anything that makes you special in the SO realm. All you share is stuff shared with a live in best friend. You two might obviously be a great match on the platonic level, but are obviously NOT a great match on romance. That's fine, but pretending and ignoring the basic human need for intimacy is only going to leave you both old and bitter and alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:00pm

Hi Jena,

In a lot of ways I know exactly how you feel. Deep inside we know what we want/need to do but we don't want to hurt them. It's hard to stay strong sometimes, especially when they tell you how much you mean to them & that you are one of the few people in their life who really cares. After 6 1/2 years you two have shared a lot & it just seems a breakup is always difficult no matter how you look at it.

In my situation, I can't say that we both want it (the breakup). He asked me to please not give up on us. Did your bf agree to move out & is now changing his mind? Just remember that you have been unhappy for a long time & you need this change. One thing mine did was tell me.... "All I want is for you to be happy." I believe him, and if yours has said the same then they have to mean that even if he isn't going to be the one. You say you are worried you'll feel like giving him another chance but even so he still needs to move out!!! There is no way your relationship can continue as it has & be healthy for either one of you.

I have to keep reminding myself to just be honest. If he is at the house tonight don't sugar coat anything & think back & remember what life has been like w/him for the past few years. You don't have to be mean, or harsh... but just stick w/what you really & truly feel & you can't go wrong. In the end you both will be happier.