Help!!! not sure what to do..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Help!!! not sure what to do..
3
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:38pm


Hi I'm knew here..I found this board while surfing the net..It seems like a great support place. and I'm really happy that there are other's out there that have been through the same thing and are here to support one another...

We ended last Wednesday, it hasn't even been a week.. We were one of those couples who had fun together, but I always felt in the back of mind that we were on different pages. I'm almost 29 and he's 25. I want to get married, he's not even close. Anyway, the problem with us, was that he's one of those guys who never likes to tell you anything. keeps a private life..I'm the type who wants to tell everything. I have nothing to hide, I want to be with my bestfriend, I want to come home and talk about things...He had a problem with the phone, he was never there when I needed him. I'd call and he'd be busy or he'd talk to me and have to go after a few mins..When we were together, it was perfect, He was awesome. He's stay over at my place for days. He owns a DJ company so he has to constantly meet couples getting married, he works the weekends and sleeps the days away, goes out with his friends playing poker until 2am. I on the other hand, work a 9-5 job, have my own place, and need to sleep early enough to get up for work. But like to have him call and say good night at a decent hour...anyway, these are just a few of the problems..I found out a girl (client of his) was calling him on a personal basis and when I asked him about it. He said it was nothing. I always had reservations about this because of his elusive personality. Finally we got in to a huge fight, we both said a lot of very mean things to one another and we broke up. I told him to finally tell me about this girl he said there's is nothing and I should call her to find out. So I did, She had no idea he had a girlfriend, said he told her he didn't have one and then went on to tell me nothing happened, he did her work x-mas party and never tried anything..I don't know who to believe. After the break up, neither of us contacted one another for two days (usually it would be me calling), until Saturday he text msg'd me saying sorry for the mean words and that he heard that I had done something behind his back (a big lie) I called him to talk about it and his attitude was distant, it was like he needed this to make himself feel good and feel like he did nothing wrong. We haven't spoken since then and I am going nuts, I want to call but the only thing that's stopping me is that I know he's waiting and knows I'll break and call...but I won't. I want to get back together even though I know he's wrong for me..I love him. My friends keep saying leave him, he'll realize and when he finally sees he was wrong, he'll come back but I'll be gone..I'm not about being spiteful but thinking like this keeps me strong. Any advice would be awesome. Am I doing the right thing? even though I love him, and am willing to give it another try? Should I just let time pass and try to heal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 3:55pm

hey,

i think it depends on how you feel about him. do you think there's a future between you both? Not to sound like your Mom or anything, but you said you were looking for marriage. I think you should take this time apart to really evaluate whether there is potential for a future. From what you have written it sounds like you are looking for a partner--not just a boyfriend but a best friend and confidante. He doesn't seem to fit the bill. Also, when you evaluate him, you should only analyze his behavior. I think we as women tend to make excuses for men and account for their potential. But, you should only consider his current behavior, face value. If he wants to change then you'll cross that bridge when the time comes. I don't know if this makes any sense???? Point is that you should not waist your time with the wrong guy. Just think twenty years from now do you want him sitting beside you (based on his current behavior)? Only you know the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 6:15pm

"Am I doing the right thing? "

Standing up for yourself and refusing to be treated badly is *always* the right thing.

You're not sure what you should do? Well, you make a decision. Either you are the weak and pathetic woman who wants any man, even the WRONG man, just to say she's got a man, or you are the strong resilient woman who settles for nothing less than a good honest descent man.

Above all never break the cardinal rule of dating:

NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 8:58am

There are bits and pieces of your post that I am all too familiar with. I spent a lot of time waiting for my ex to become a better communicator, and while he did improve in some areas, there were other areas where I honestly never knew what he was thinking. Toward the end of things, I probably had a better relationship with his voice mail. When it comes down to it, it is tough to have a relationship if you can't communicate with each other. There is probably nothing you can do to change that about him. Why should you have to spend your time trying to figure out where you stand or what he wants? Someone who wants to be with you should never make you question that fact.

After my break-up I was given a book by a friend, and one of the chapters dealt with what he is thinking. The end message was that he might think of you, may feel bad for hurting you, but in the end, he is glad it is over. It hurt to read that, but I have reminded myself of that often over the last few weeks. I only mention that because of your statement that you know he is waiting for you to call. Maybe he is, I don't know, but maybe the events leading up to your break up was his way to get out of the relationship.

In the end, you deserve someone who will share with you as much as you do with them. You deserve someone who won't make you question their loyalty to you. And you shouldn't have to question if you are on the same page as you. It isn't fun to have that deep feeling that things aren't what you want, but they are there for a reason. It is tough to move on, but when the relationship is right, none of thoughts will be there.