Help please x

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Help please x
3
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:00pm

Hi all,

I've just joined, i've been in an on off relationship for about two years with my best friend of thirteen years, we have have a really hard time of it and haven't got on at all for the last six months, he keeps promising things will change and they they either stay the same or he lies to me and things get worse, i'm a very perceptive person and i awlays catch him out, not that i intend to it's just to easy!

We've now got to a point where i am teeling him i want to end things and he talks me around, but this weekend was the last straw he went out and came back in at 6 in the morning and it was the icing on the cake i asked him to go and stay at his mum's, now he wants to know if we are splitting up or going to try and sort things out, i dunno if i can do this anymore, i don't feel like me and i feel like we have lost our friendship on top of it all!

To make problems worse there is a guy i have a bit of a crush on who i kissed and he wants to know where he stands, i'm totally confused, have never cheated on anyone and see this is a warning signal, i even checked by bf's phone the other day because i didn't trust him, he says he doesn't trust me either and i don't see the point anymore as much as it hurts me.

Any comments grately appreciated!

cg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:12pm

Reality check: If you kissed a guy while you were with your ex, that constitutes cheating (in my opinion), not a warning sign.

As for the on and off...You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you. Neither of you seem willing to work on it. As far as I can see this relationship is over already. If you've 'lost' yourself, perhaps it's time to officially end things and go re-find yourself. Even if you plan on salvagint this relationship, don't just TELL him you want to 'end' things, end them. Don't bounce in and out and in and out. The more you cycle though this, the less he takes your 'ending things' seriously. End them, give it a break, and if he's serious about his promises to 'change things' this will be his incentive to go ahead and make changes that will benefit a rekindled relationship.

As for yourself, take some time off, find yourself, and figure out where you went wrong in this relationship. Recognize that it's not solely HIS responsibility to 'change things' in the relationship, but yours also. If you want it to work, you both have to get on your hands and knees and solve it together, not dump it all on his back. Otherwise, cut him a break, and end things

Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 5:30pm

Hey CG,

I kind of agree with Susanna. I think at the very least the two of you need a break from each other. I think there is too much going on between the two of you right now to just patch it up. I think you need some time apart to re-find yourselves and then if it is meant to be, you will find your way back to each other again.

Take some time ... find you, find what you like and what you want and need again. Once you step back and gain some clarity away from him, you'll find out if he's worth working it out with or if it is indeed time to move on.

Best of luck girl and keep us posted ... this is a great place for support.

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:13am

Hi,

thanks both of you for your advice, your right, it was cheating, he called me last night and i got really upset, i'm not sure whether i'm upset because i think we're breaking up or i'm upset because i don't want to lose the friendship, this 'other guy thing' is far too confusing, i've never been 'that' person before always giving the 'sensible' advice to my friends in this sort of situation, you know the whole, 'what the hell are you thinking' kind of thing, it always seems funny to me that we cannot take our own advice.

He has agreed for us not to see each other, but this is very difficult as we do the same things, have the same group of friends etc. I think this is a huge lifechange rather than a smaller one.

I am incredably confused and i'm trying to take time out, but if it's not one contacting me it's the other? xx