Help required .... for a guy
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| Fri, 03-17-2006 - 10:22am |
Hi there
Found the links to this site from my wifes favourites on PC, so dont know if you gals want to help a guy through this dark time of my life, please feel free to offer any advice.
I've recently separated from my wife of 19 years after she admitted to me she had been having an affair with her boss at work since August 2005, she had never done anything like this in the past and she had been really suffering with all the guilt etc that she lost a couple of stones in weight (not that she needed to she was a UK size 14).
I knew there was something wrong over the past couple of months,i felt that she was holding something back from me,i actually went to pick her up after a night out before christmas and she was walking home hand in hand with this guy i recognised as her boss from work, i asked her what was going on but she flatly denied anything was, now i trusted her totally and believed her although i think that there has always been a nagging doubt since then.
This all came to a head when the guys wife found text messages from my wife to her hubby and she started to call my wife up, we were talking at home about a few weeks ago and she received one of these calls and i think thats what prompted my wife to come clean.
Everything went so quick from then, within a couple of days his wife was threatening to throw him out etc whereas my wife and i sat and talked about it all and we deceided that maybe our time together had come to an end, but we still wanted to remain friends afterall she was my best friend and i didnt want to risk any animosity etc because of the kids (girls 18 and 15) but less than a week from her telling me, they have got a rented flat together and she has moved out leaving me totally crushed at home with the youngest.
We have talked through all the separation issues and we know what were doing that way but i cant understand why she didn't come to me and talk prior to her starting the affair as all this could probably never happened, we have talked so much since then and i have realised all the issues that were causing her problems in the past and nothing is irrepairable between us.
As a final comment, the guy she has moved in with has a history of affairs his 1st marraige broke up due to these and he has admitted to my wife that he has had 3 major affairs and loads of small flings throughout his 2nd marraige of 13 years even nearly moving out once and also getting one of his affairs pregnant and having a termination !!!
my wife admits that this guy is nothing to look at (i know looks arent everything) and they have absolutely nothing in common but she seems to have fallen for him big time, after having a chat with his wife she says that it wont last and he'll be back to her, so why has my wife done this ? there were no major issues in our marriage although i've had loads of health problems over the past couple of years and sank into a deep depression which i think affected my wife as well, i feel she was at a vulnerable time and this guy has took advantage of this telling her everything that she wanted to hear etc but i think its a huge mistake, i feel comfortable that if our marriage is over then so be it and i really wish her all the best for the future her sisters cant believe how brilliant i've been about all this, my wife and i were even holding hands together when she told her family that it was over between us and they could only ask why as it was so obvious that we were still in love !!
Sorry for rabbiting on here but i needed to try and make heads or tails of this and as your women maybe you could help me understand her .... please
Alan

I'm so sorry for your situation. I can only imagine how hard this all is for you. I wish that I was more qualified to give you the advice you need. I admit I'm not. I don't know what goes through the mind of a person when they decide to have an affair because I have never been put in that situation.
The reason I posted is to talk to you from a child of divorced parents perspective. You see, my parents divorced when I was 14 due to an affair. It was really difficult for me as I was becoming curious about dating and what not. It was also very difficult for me not to resent my parents especially the one who cheated-my father. My mother went through a major depression, but I was too immature to understand what that meant. I just saw my parents acting in ways that I had never seen before and it was hard to understand. I was going through so many changes and seeing my parents as adults instead of as parents was quite strange.
I know this all makes me sound very selfish, but I felt abandoned by my parents. They were so wrapped up in the divorce and in themselves that my brothers and I were somewhat cast aside. There were many times we were left alone because my mother went out and my father didn't have much contact with us-I guess due to guilt or something.
Although I love both of my parents very much and they are now both remarried to the loves of their lives, I was still very angry at them for a long time. I was too immature to know how to deal with that anger and it carried over into school, work and relationships. I wouldn't say I am disfunctional, and I think that being angry is such a waste of time. I know now that there are always two sides to every story, but as a teenager it's hard to see that. I felt like my family was torn from me and it hurt.
So, although I have no words of wisdom regarding your wife, I do want to put my two cents in and ask you to please show your children as much love and attention during this very difficult time. You probably already know and do that, but I wanted you to know from a child's perspective divorce is hard to understand. A little extra attention and affection will make all the difference in the world. You said in your post that you have the youngest at home with you so you must be a great father. Usually, the children go with their mother.
You might not be able to hold onto your wife, but you at least still have your children and that's something special.
I wish the best for you!
Take care
=)
Why is she doing this? Because she likes the HIGH. The attention, the affection, the newness of it all. She may be back when the guy dumps her or cheats on her, when she is crushed and heartborken.
You might try posting on the Betrayed Spouse Support Board here at iVillage as they have been through what you are going through.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery
Or if she comes back and you two decide to work on it, you may find some support on the Life after Betrayal support board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie