helping a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
helping a friend
1
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 6:42pm
My friend of almost 3 years has been dating her boyfriend from back home for a little over 3 years. She is 21, he's 25. We are both in the military, and now living in Nebraska, so she kept a long distance relationship going with her boyfriend (he is in California). Every chance they get they buy plane tickets to see eachother, and he was considering moving out here (which would require a HUGE pay cut in his job). She flew him out here last weekend and he gave her a promise ring (they weren't ready for engagement yet). Soon after that while he was showering she saw a note on the top of his gym bag and it was from a girl. He admitted to cheating on her and she took him to the airport the next morning. He couldn't get a flight out, so she picked him back up and he stayed the entire four days they had originally planned. She used this to her advantage and found out that it was not a one-time thing, he'd been seeing her for a couple of months. He said the promise ring was his turn-around point. He'd realized what he'd done to her and this was his promise to her to clean his act up and make his life completely about her. She soon got him to admit there had been 8 girls total, some one-night stands, some small relationships (mostly girls he'd strung along for sex). She broke things off with him after finding out about the first girl. Apparently only about 11 months of their 37 month relationship was completely pure. She is devastated, but trying to stay strong while she's at work. He is also completely devastated and keeps calling her. She told me she'd never heard a grown man cry like that. He is now talking fervently about moving out here and turning his life around. No more drinking, no more girls. That's the story, is there anything I can do to help her get through this and stay strong? He says he loves her, is even calling her parents to find out ways he can make this better, and I know the coming months are going to be hell on her. I'd really like any advice anyone could give if they've had a friend go through a similar experience or just any other ideas that may help. It really makes me sad because the entire time I've known her, he has been in the picture and he really made her happy. Little did we know he was betraying her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 12:30pm

I was in that situation before, except I was not in a long distance relationship. I found out he cheated and I broke things off. He sent me flowers every day and notes about how sorry he was. He also called non-stop. I thought to myself that he really did care and after 3 months, I took him back. I honestly think he felt he cared as well. I was with him for a total of 6 years (all this happened about 4 years into the relationship). He promised he would never cheat again, and he even asked me to marry him. We got married and after 2 months I was filing divorce papers. He stopped cheating on me for the first few months, but then he was back to cheating again (I did not know this until I filed for divorce). I filed for divorce because I caught him cheating. After I moved out is when I found out he was sleeping around with a massive amount of girls and he had been for years.

I think her bf is very sincere about being sorry, but I doubt he will change his ways. I could see if he messed up once, but this is 8 different girls. Only 11 months he was sincere? It sounds to me like he is keeping her around for back-up when the other relationships and one night stands are not around. I think he is afraid to be alone, and he is stringing her along. I am not bashing him, many people feel that way (it's very unhealthy, but he doesn't know how to learn to love himself). My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years. After years I saw him and asked him why he did that, he told me "I was to afraid to be alone, I wanted you there for when I had no one else". I was his back-up. If your friend stays, she will be upset most of the time because she will be thinking about what he is doing all of the time, the trust is gone and that is so hard to get back. I know it's hard but she should really break it off now, she can continue this relationship and end up being hurt and sad, then face the hurt from a breakup anyway, or she can just let him go now and get over her hurt that much sooner.

I know how it feels, I was engaged to be married and we just broke the whole thing off 2 sat. ago. I am dying with hurt, but I know it was the best thing and I know I will get over it. I am not dragging a doomed relationship on just to get the breakup hurt anyway in a year or two from now. I hope I helped. This one really hit home because I have been there.