Help...This doesn't make sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Help...This doesn't make sense
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Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:01am

I need help trying to makes sense of this although I realize that may be an impossible task.

2 months ago my b/f of 5 years moved out without a word while I was at work. I held strong and did not call, e-mail or text him. Then, out of the blue he sent me a text about a 3 weeks ago. He asked me to call, which reluctantly I did. He indicated he was open to trying to work things out. After a few days of thought, I agreed and the next day he told me that he had second thoughts. I accepted that and as before, tried to move on with my life. He even sent me a letter indicating that we needed to end it once and for all and that I needed to give up the thought of us ever being together again because it wasn't going to happen....I had never thought it would happen...he is the one who approached me about getting back together.

Then two days after I received this letter, he calls me asking me to marry him. I did not agree to that, but did tell him that if we took things slowly and worked on what was wrong in our relationship we could try again. He said that he had taken steps over the last 2 months to change, started going to church and turned his life over to God. He was adamant that I check with my kids (17 and 20) to see if they were okay with it, which I did. They said it was okay as long as things were better this time.

We spent the next 3 days discussing things, plans for the future, when marriage would be appropriate, buying a home together, sharing the bills, etc. Just making sure we were both in agreement on everything. Then suddenly he seemed distant and he did not return my phone calls. And this morning he called to tell me that he couldn't "do this" anymore. He told me not to call him, that everything was over and this was goodbye.

Now I am left wondering what in the devil happened. I know that it was nothing that I did, so I am not blaming myself other than falling for everything that he was telling me. It did sound too good to be true, so I should have known better. When I asked for an explanation, he didn't have one other than "it has to be this way".

I haven't been able to keep my mind off of trying to figure out how he can turn his love on and off like a switch and how he can explain toying with my emotions like this.

Anyone have any ideas or advice?

forever_confused1

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 3:00am

What doesn't make sense is not healhty and therefore good for you or any one else for that matter. The guy suddenly had a change of heart and moved out after 5 years together, no explanation. Then he comes back and asks to work on stuff, then he backs off again and then asks to marry you and then he disppears. He calls to tell your that it's over. His behavior is sketchy as it is his "marriage proposal" and every thing that accompanies him. He's probably "engaged" to another woman.

I'd suggest to cross him off as a bad experience. Give yourself closure by accepting that it's over and that only he holds the answer to his crazy behavior. If he calls again asking for another chance OR to marry you just hang up. He doesn't deserve more chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:54am

Hi

Sorry you are going through this, I know how you feel, my ex did the same thing. It just shows what cowards they are (anyone that does something like that is a coward). ..regardless of why he did it the way he did. He didn't respect you or the relationship. You are better off without him. It's hard but try not to think of the whys, work on getting him out of your life. Concentrate on you and know you deserve better. If he tries to get in touch with you, don't answer, or tell him to get a life, grow some balls, and leave you alone.
Hope it gets better for you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:18am

I'm sorry you're going through this. This man is very clearly "broken" in some fundamental way and not capable of engaging in healthy behavior. Anyone who would move out without saying a word is just not someone who's healthy on any level.

Trying to understand why an unhealthy person does the things he or she does is just not really possible. It's an exercise in futility. Don't waste your time focusing on that--focus on accepting that this is HOW HE IS and that you can never have any sort of healthy relationship with him, and on moving forward.

Most likely he will come back for another round so you need to be prepared and KNOW that you are not going to let him back in.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:46am
Thank you lightandbright. You are correct, there will be no more chances. I know in my heart that it is over forever, but my mind still wants an answer, one that I am certain I will never find, but still nags at me anyway. I don't know how to find closure without the answers and as you said, he is the only one who has the answers. It is a vicious circle. How does a person put 5 years behind them and ever learn to trust again when they have been burned so deeply?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:50am
Thank you sassisizz. I knew there was a reason that I was so angry instead of just hurt and you hit it right on the head...he was a coward. The very least he could have done was sit down with me and explain his behavior rather than ignoring me and then ending things with a phone call and without an explanation. Perhaps someday I will learn that a leopard never changes it spots despite what they do or say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:57am

Thank you Sheri. Yes, it is likely he will be back with a call or a letter and I am trying to prepare myself for that just as you suggested.

I struggle with finding a way to "fix it" when I need to accept that he can't be fixed. Mostly likely he will move on to another relationship and do the same thing. But something in the back of my mind says...what if he moves into another relationship and he doesn't do the same thing, then that means it was me. Somehow I have to find closure and the inner strength to move past this, but I just don't know how. I feel like such an idiot and I don't know how I can ever trust anyone ever again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:06am

I totally understand--I went through the same thoughts after my 4 year relationship with a classic commitmentphobe ended (we'd lived together for 3 of those years). He actually moved in with another woman just two weeks after moving out, and of course I was tortured with thoughts that he'd somehow be different with her. But he wasn't--we actually have become friends, although it took a good 3-4 years--he's still broken. Currently he's involved with a married woman and I told him, oh, that's perfect for you with your commitment issues!

Anyway, sorry, I'm digressing but my point is, you WILL get over this. It'll take you a while, but focusing on accepting that he's just not capable of being in a healthy relationship will help.

A couple things that helped me were counseling (and I wish like heck that I hadn't waited 2 years after the breakup to start) and doing a lot of reading about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. Books like Women Who Love too Much and He's Scared She's Scared were particularly helpful.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:16am

Sheri,

Thank you again for your positive response. I will definitely check out the books you recommended.

I have been so concentrated on trying to fix or find out what is wrong with me that I couldn't even see that I am not the one who is broken...it is him. Hopefully that thought will bring some relief. It has already helped tremendously knowing that I am not alone, although it is terribly sad that so many of us have experienced the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:52am

I'm thinking his issues go much much deeper than plain old fear of commitment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 12:44pm

I can't even begin to make sense of your situation. Man are terribly hard to understand at times. I have a live in boyfriend that threatens to live me at least 3 times a month. He also asks me to marry him and have children with him at least 3 times a months as well. One minute his cooking dinner and listening to music, the next minute he is distance and doesn't really take an interest in me or really talk to me for days. Sometime he wants to have sex 2 or 3 times a day other times he gets mad if I even suggest it. But I know that my boyfriend is manic depressive. He refuses to take medicine for it but still blames me and other people for everything wrong in his life. When things are good - he can make me feel very good. But when things go wrong it's horrible - he doesn't have the ability to understand the basic simple situation and can never see that he is in the wrong. Maybe you bf is suffering from something similar. Maybe he should go to a dr., he may be open to medication. Where as my guy refuses it, he would rather make me and his life a living hell first. . He is very lazy when he goes through his manic phases as well. And I mean he will do the minimum amount to get by. Mostly just lays on the couch and eats - while laying on the couch, he doesn't do yard work, dishes, he doesn't even take the trash out or to the curb. He doesn't through he trash away or take dishes to the kitchen. I have come to the point right now that I don't have any respect for him or feel anything except flows or hate, angry, and sadness. I think you bf is suffering similar - the inability to make up his mind. Classic signs are distance, up and down and the feeling they just have to get out.

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