Help...This doesn't make sense
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| Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:01am |
I need help trying to makes sense of this although I realize that may be an impossible task.
2 months ago my b/f of 5 years moved out without a word while I was at work. I held strong and did not call, e-mail or text him. Then, out of the blue he sent me a text about a 3 weeks ago. He asked me to call, which reluctantly I did. He indicated he was open to trying to work things out. After a few days of thought, I agreed and the next day he told me that he had second thoughts. I accepted that and as before, tried to move on with my life. He even sent me a letter indicating that we needed to end it once and for all and that I needed to give up the thought of us ever being together again because it wasn't going to happen....I had never thought it would happen...he is the one who approached me about getting back together.
Then two days after I received this letter, he calls me asking me to marry him. I did not agree to that, but did tell him that if we took things slowly and worked on what was wrong in our relationship we could try again. He said that he had taken steps over the last 2 months to change, started going to church and turned his life over to God. He was adamant that I check with my kids (17 and 20) to see if they were okay with it, which I did. They said it was okay as long as things were better this time.
We spent the next 3 days discussing things, plans for the future, when marriage would be appropriate, buying a home together, sharing the bills, etc. Just making sure we were both in agreement on everything. Then suddenly he seemed distant and he did not return my phone calls. And this morning he called to tell me that he couldn't "do this" anymore. He told me not to call him, that everything was over and this was goodbye.
Now I am left wondering what in the devil happened. I know that it was nothing that I did, so I am not blaming myself other than falling for everything that he was telling me. It did sound too good to be true, so I should have known better. When I asked for an explanation, he didn't have one other than "it has to be this way".
I haven't been able to keep my mind off of trying to figure out how he can turn his love on and off like a switch and how he can explain toying with my emotions like this.
Anyone have any ideas or advice?
forever_confused1

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I think your b/f and my now ex-b/f are two peas in a pod. What you described fits him to a T, other than the laziness. The ups and downs and general moodiness, wanting sex then shunning me if I instigate it. I had always thought it was just him being controlling or manipulative, but I had also given thought to the possibility of him being bi-polar. Perhaps I should thank God that he chose to end things and stay strong in my conviction that I won't allow him back into my life ever...not after this time. I refuse to put myself through the mental and emotional anguish of it.
It is terribly sad that I now see so many women have endured the very same things that I have.
I wish I could say something to make things better for you, but I am starting to realize that people like you and I have to just finally reach a boiling point where we simply can't and won't endure any more before we become strong enough to attempt to move on. Best of luck to you.
Sandra,
Thank you for the words of wisdom. I know in my heart that you are correct. There is something much deeper than commitment-phobia that is broken within him.
A year into the relationship I found suicide notes to me and his ex-wife. I contacted his ex-wife and together with the police, we intervened before he did anything. He was forced into psychiatric help, but as is his nature, he was very charming and convincing and "pulled the wool" over their eyes and was released without requirement of further follow up.
I also know in my heart that he needs professional help and probably medication. There is more to this than manipulation and a controlling personality. I think I stuck it out so long because I felt responsible for him in some way, as though God wanted me to watch over him, but it was at the expense of my own life. He refuses to admit that he has any problem and blames everything and everybody else for the problems in his life. I bought into his speach this time that he had turned his life over to God and had made major changes in his life, when in reality, nothing has changed at all.
And as a result, I believe that I have become co-dependent. I lead my life saying if only he got a job, then if only he had a better job, etc, etc. I am a perfectionist and always thought I should be able to fix him...fix us. There is alot of learned behavior here that will have to be "undone" before I will have closure and can move on.
Thanks for the support....sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else before it sinks in.
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