Here is help to get over the louse!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Here is help to get over the louse!
7
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:40am

First, the first time I visited this board, it was sooooo depressing that I didn't know if I'd return. I didn't need to feel worse than I already did! There are occasional posts written to help tho, & it was those few posts that drew me back. And I hope we all come back as time passes, to give helpful advice & support to ea other. There is so much pain here that we really should do that.

I was feeling weak tonite about NC, not trusting myself to keep from calling him soon, which I should not do, as evidenced by every person close to me. I was seeing him everywhere I looked here in my house, even tho he never even lived here, reminders of him, even tho I already put away all pics of him that were out. So I was feeling sad & missing him, but then I started writing a list of everything I didn't like about him. It might sound dumb, but by the time I started slowing down, by the time my fingers stopped typing furiously fast haha, I felt stronger about resisting contact.

I thought I'd share my list here, to see what you think about it & to give you ideas of things you might not have thought of. Maybe some others of you will make & share a list too, becoz when we lose someone we love, whether thru a breakup or death, it's human nature to remember only the good in them, & forget how miserable we were while with them. It's important to remember the whole picture, anything less is delusional. And even tho I realize that, I still try at weak moments, to delude myself into still having hope.

So, I'll post my very personal list of reasons to hate him, next in this new thread. You might think you know all the reasons & dont want to think about it, but when you put many reasons together, you might be surprised that it can give you a stronger resolve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 2:06am

Note that dd = his grown daughter who lives alone with him. Here is my list, in random order:

1) He was partnered with his almost 30-yr old daughter, like a couple, always has been, always will be.
2) He was getting more & more controlling, even trying to keep me from my best pals.
3) He could tease to the point of borderline mean, under the guise of humor, & would do it in attempt to lower my self-esteem.
4) He wanted to change things about me, in big ways that would be hard.
5) He was so cold, & was unaffected the few times he saw me cry.
6) He always gave signals that said he could walk away from me in an instant. And he did.
7) He thinks he's all that, Mr Healthy, Mr Soberman, Mr Greatbody, but he's none of the above to the extent he portrays himself to be.
8) It's under control for now, but he has the potential to develop alcohol addiction, becoz he does love his wine, drinks at least half the days of the wk, & he gets drunk easily which makes it easier for him to have just one more glassful.
9) He portrays himself as sooooo honest, but is he really? He led me on at one point, that was not honest, but he was generally sneakier & more subtle about his untruths. He lied about the jacket, saying he forgot I told him this & that. He gave his DD signals all the time that she was his "emotional wife" in those sneaky subtle ways, but would never have been honest about it. At least a few times I caught him lying about how much wine he drank too.
10) He hates snow.
11) HE HATES SNOW!! meaning he'd never take me to snow-covered mountains or tubing.
12) He never gave me a really sweet greeting card even tho I asked nicely & waited patiently, but he did give those cards to his daughter. (The ones I ruined, Mmwaa-haaa-haa!)
13) He had baggage from his divorce & has never recovered emotionally, making him incapable of true commitment in a romantic r'ship, to anyone, even someone as wonderful as ME! hehee.
14) I could not talk to him about what he was sensitive about. He only exploded & drained me of energy. He refused to listen to reason, regardless of how valid or pertinant.
15) I was so sick of worrying about our situation, trying to figure it out.
16) I was so sick ~after~ I figured it out, too, becoz OMG, emotional INCEST? That sounds as bad as it ~made me feel~ these last cpl yrs.
17) He was the kind of person who could sleep at nite after breaking a promise, ANY promise. He also easily slept after an unresolved argument with me.
18) He refused to take responsibility for problems he created. He'd argue against it to the death, if he didn't walk away or go to sleep first, but he'd never admit it.
19) He'd be offended that I was upset, but he didn't act like he CARED about me being upset. Instead of ever comforting me, he got angry. WTF?!?
20) He was ok about his best guy friend critiquing my BODY, my breasts! when I left the room. How childish. I mean, he's in his 50s for crying out loud!
21) He was so weird. SO weird in many ways.
22) He created & surrounded himself with unhealthy r'ships, & blurred boundaries, enticing ppl to compete for his affections & attention, manipulating ppl who's lives he had any control over!
23) He *enjoyed* & encouraged the unhealthy competition between his daughter & his girlfriend(s), & between his 2 secretaries, & even his cousin feeling jealous of me. He's never felt responsible or bad about anyone's feelings being hurt or his daughter being unable to leave his side as an adult, becoz he ~enjoys~ it.
24) He farts alot.
25) He's obsessed with healthy eating habits, which can be taken too far in every day life.
26) Other times, he'd eat compulsively, then *angrily* blame me for providing the food.
27) He has some VERY ugly clothes in his wardrobe & sometimes he even wears them in public!
28) He bought me cheap-ass jewelry, & didn't pay attention to what I liked.
29) He gave his daughter twice the diamonds in her necklace than in mine, after we'd been together for 11 mos of every day contact. WHY didn't I RUN from him right then & there?? "Merry Christmas & See ya 'round".
30) I couldn't wear heals with him becoz he didnt seem to like me being taller.
31) After he KNEW what happened in his last longterm r'ship becoz of interferrence from his daughter, WHY, if he cared about me, did he do the same to me as he should have learned not to do already?
32) Oh wait I remember- it was becoz his last girlfriend was "emotionally unstable" which is probably what he's telling ppl about ME right now! It's like he tells how you looked so funny running out of your apartment when the fire-alarm sounded, but he forgets to say he's the one who set the fire & pulled the alarm.
33) He's so formal sometimes, stiff, SNOBBISH, such a wanna-be judge.
34) His ex was right, he DOES think he's better than most ppl, & *much* better than many ppl.
35) He's unpopular among his peers, as proven by the times he's been nominated to be a judge, but his fellow attorneys apparently never vote for him. Who knows why exactly, he says it's becoz he doesn't hobnob, but it could be partly becoz ppl see him & his grown daughter out & about, acting like a couple, & it's too weird.
36) All ~HIS~ dysfunction was making me eat & gain weight! I'm still having to fight the urge becoz obviously I'm not finished thinking about it & it still makes me want to eat junkfood. I did it last nite, .
37) His house had potential but was ugly, & he thought it was beautiful! AND of course, his daughter was his woman of the house, but one who was too special & important to ever be bothered by ANY cooking or cleaning.
38) He was a big spender when it came to going out to dinner, but that was ALL he was a big spender about, with a cpl exceptions, but just a cpl. He could be very cheap. blah.
39) He made my exHUSBAND look like Prince Charming in too many ways.
40) He drove me crazy about getting my divorce, pestered me about it constantly for over a yr, RUSHED ME thru it, then he changed his tune about our future, said we should just take it one day at a time. WHY didn't I RUN from him THEN too??
41) He did not appreciate my efforts when I bent over backwards to please him.
42) He strongly resisted needing me.
43) He takes NO blame in his divorce. (GIANT warning sign)
44) He wants to RUN away as soon as an argument between us is apparent, & a few times he did or tried to do, just that. Abandoning me was ez for him, too ez.
45) He could be so strong & stern but other times, so SPINELESS.
46) He was never impressed with anything I ever did, or anything anybody did. He had a way of making ppl want to impress him, but seldom acknowledged the efforts he incited as being impressive.
47) I'm emotionally & physically exhausted, from trying so hard & working so hard to love him & be loved by him.

I think that's about it, how fitting if it ends on my age, what I'll be in a cpl wks, a sign of completion & moving on.

As I get stronger, I'll make a list of reasons I miss him, to get the whole picture, to deal with it so i can move ON! I hope any of this helps anyone. and if any of you have ideas, anything, that helped you stay strong, please share share share! TIA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:24am

Wow, that is quite a list! I am sure he has some redeeming qualities, though one would be hard pressed the figure out what they were -- LOL.

"24) He farts alot."

Haha -- must have been all that healthy food.

A while ago there was a thread on this board that dealt with the exes disgusting habits...etc. It was pretty hilarious. I am going to see if I can find it and bump it back up.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:59pm

Thanks Lois! The thread sounds amusing. What was the name of it?

And yeah, he did have some redeeming qualities, but right now, thinking about that makes me weak, & I need to keep NC. Calling him would only result in more heartbreak for me, becoz he's so cold, he'd say something mean & hang up on me, is what I really bet would happen. It's those redeeming qualities tho, that keep me missing him. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 12:18am

I read an email forward today, that was sent to me before the breakup, but today was a perfect day for me to read it. In this thread, one of the things I didn't like about HIM, was that it's too ez for him to just walk away. That's one reason what I read in this forward blew me away! If any of YOU believe you'd only be rejected if you tried to contact him, this is for you too. It's sort of prayer, but the first part isn't. Here ya go......

LET IT GO!!

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that. "They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us". People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if > they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. > And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's > part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the > dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's > over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's > the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm > hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me > to have He'll give to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't > need it. > Stop begging people to stay. > Let them go!! >

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was > never intended for your life, then you need to...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .... > LET IT GO!!! > If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your > worth..... > LET IT GO!!! > If someone has angered you ....... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or > talents...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you have a bad attitude....... > LET IT GO!!! > If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new > level in Him...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are struggling with healing from a broken relationship....... > LET IT GO!!! > If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you're feeling depressed and stressed..... > LET IT GO!!! > If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you > need to...... > LET IT GO!!! > Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new > thing for 2006 !!! > LET IT GO!!! >

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 4:48pm
Jeesh, your list could be mine ('cept for a few minor ones, like the farting lol!). My past situation was in reverse tho. He was a mama's boy and both were alcoholics. Can I pick em or what?! The majority of the time I spent in that relationship I felt that I was the mother and they were the couple. Neither were willing to let the other one live their own lives and they wonder why no relationships ever work out for them. It's a really sick relationship and I'm glad I cut myself out of their weird mind games. They were only able to hurt me because I allowed them to. No more, I'm pretty darn happy these days without the two psychos in my life anymore! Very freeing feeling :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 9:32pm
Oooh newpage, hugs to you, becoz I KNOW that road you've walked & how hard it is. When I researched about my xbf & his dd, one of the things that stood out was that usually, these situations occur between bf's & their moms, just like what you were dealing with. The boundaries between them are so unhealthy, yet becoz there is no sex, we're easily made to look selfish & possessive if we complain about a particular incident. But honey if you put ALL the incidents together, whoa, that's a whole 'nother story. Something else to be aware of, is the left-out mate, (you & me) becomes depressed, & usually turns to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain, OR they have affairs, to even the score, & to feel like they're number one in the life of SOMEONE, since they're not with their mate. It makes perfect sense. By nature I'm as loyal as a puppydog, but even *I* was considering trying to meet someone new while I was still with xbf, & felt that as long as I didn't actually have sex with anyone else, the sky was my limit since he was already emotionally unfaithful to me with his dd. And yrs ago, his ex left him for another man. Funny that xbf always told me he was 99% innocent of any wrong in his divorce, but hah, as I learned, maybe she left him for another man becoz HE MADE HER FEEL JEALOUS OF HER OWN DAUGHTER!!! I think I'd hate a man who did that to me. It was horrible enough to live with feeling jealous of my xbf's dd, but if she was MY dd too, . Take care newpge, congrats on your escape. I'm still missing my xbf but I'll get past it, becoz i know I dont want to live like that 4ever, no f-ing way. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Fri, 02-10-2006 - 8:01am

Basically I'm responding to the woman who wrote the email with all of the "let it go" messages in it. I so wish that I was as strong as this woman and could "let it go" but I just can't seem to do it. I know I was used and abused (verbally) and yet I can't get this man out of my mind. Probably a lot of it has to do with this only being the second guy that I've ever been with in my entire life. I met my husband at sixteen and am still with him and I'm 50. We were having problems and I found this guy online, decided to meet him, had sex with him (the second guy I have ever been in bed with) and continued this relationship for four years even though we hadn't seen each other in the last two years. His girlfriend finally moved in with him and they finally got married, after eleven years of dating, during the last 1-1/2 years of our relationship. I know used me while she wouldn't move in with him. I knew all along that he was a player (even told me so once and I ignored him). I know I am totally wrong in the way that I'm dealing with this problem yet I'm still hurting after I said goodbye to him over four months ago. Sure, it hurts that he hasn't tried to contact me to "reconsider" the breakup. Sure, I realize that by me doing it, it took the pressure off of him and doesn't make him look like the bad guy. Yes, the relationship was dead a long time ago and I just strung it along. Yes, the guy had no balls and should have ended it when he found out that I had feelings for him. Yes, I know that I only stroke his ego by "never letting go" which I've done so many times in the past the "crying wolf" is a total joke to him. How can I be so stupid as to love this man who never loved me despite telling me that he did??? How can he have such a cold heart and treat me the way that he did? All of a sudden he is going to be faithful to his wife (as far as I know he didn't cheat on her yet) but was unfaithful to her from day one of their 11-year relationship. Can a leopard truly change his spots? I find that hard to believe and he probably just wants another woman who can jump in the sack with him (he thinks that oral sex is not sex ala Bill Clinton) and not have any emotional strings attached to it. I know I am rambling and I'm so sorry. I'm hoping that writing this down will help me to move on. It's so hard because I do miss the sex because he was so good at it and knew it. Going to bed with him made me realize just what I am missing in my marriage. I keep telling myself that when I'm 70, sex won't really matter and that's why I am staying in the marriage, but I also wonder if I deserve to be totally happy in some kind of relationship with another man?

As you can see, I'm totally emotional right now and am trying to get it all out. It would be nice to hear from a man about my stupidity so that I can try to understand how this man though. I need help, desperately.