Here's my list, wanna share yours?
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| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:41am |
Okay, so I feel the need to write out all the reasons that I don't want to get back with my ex. I've maintained NC for about 4 days now. I almost slipped up yesterday because I had a really great interview and it was automatic to start dialing his number. But I stopped myself. Anyhoo, here's my list. Feel free to share yours too :)
1. He wanted to move to the east coast, I wanted to live in Seattle where my family and friends are
2. he and my family NEVER got along, and he refused to go to holidays/family functions
3. he blamed his problems with school (ie dropping classes, faling courses) on me and my daughter
4. in the last 12 months he's worked MAYBE 2 months. Though he's had about 15 jobs in the last 2 years. They typically last from 2 days to a month.
5. thought it was COMPLETELY fair for me to be the one working, even though I am also in school full time
6. tried to convence ME to drop down to part time school, so he could finish sooner, when he didn't even know what he wanted to major in, and I'm in a nursing program and already know my day of graduation
7. Even though I made all the money, he wanted TOTAL control of the finances, and got upset when I didn't want to just hand over my paychecks/tax returs/school financial aid checks
8. when we got engaged, he bought me a $5k ring on credit, and I paid over half of it off. Somehow he still thinks that when he sells it he should get to keep all of the money he makes form it
9. He would explain things ad nauseum, seriously, I would understand what he was talking about within the first five minurtes, but he would go on to explain himself for another 30.
10. He was NEVER a soft place for me to fall. It was always about his problems, his issues, his needs, and he always needed ME to be strong.
I'm so irritated that he owes me money! I hope he's able to pay it back soon so that I can fully take him out of my life. He's SO toxic.
This made me feel so much better! Sometimes I forget why I left in the first place.

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Hello, Heidi!
Pianoguy read all of the earlier responses....and during the entire time, this same question kept popping up (inside his head):
"Are ALL BREAKUPS caused by flaws in a MAN'S character or behavior?"
"Or might some of those 'flaws' be the result of a feminine issue or personality trait that 'triggered' the bad male habits which (eventually) developed?"
I know a few of my ivillage friends will help me out on this...and I certainly appreciate any and all responses.
Pianoguy
Before me he had been in a long-term relationship of a little under 2 years. Their relationship ended almost the exact same way ours did, even though we were together a lot longer.
Coincidence? I don't think so... but that's just me talking...
That's a really good question pianoguy. I can look at some past relationships without blaming ex's. My most serious past relationship was with a man I dated for 3 years and lived with for 1 year, and we would fight constantly. I felt so much better when we broke up. I can see (and could see relatively soon after the breakup) it was because we simply were not a match. I didn't like how he was slobby, he didn't like how neat and tidy I was. I didn't like how wrecklessly he spent money, he thought I was too consertaive. We got to a point where I felt more like his mom than his gf, which was both of our faults. And, I can see that I had some maturing to do - when we would fight, he would stay very calm while I would yell and say things that were probably hurtful (I don't remember details). So, I was able to learn from that relationship, about what qualities I want in a man and how I need to learn to communicate in a more mature manner.
I just can't say the same about the relationship I posted about on this thread (#17), which lasted 6 months. I feel like he had some serious control and superiority issues. Now, if there is some trait of mine that made this a problem, I'd love to hear it because I'll work on my problems so that I never have to go through that again! I think there were certain things about my exbf that were classic signs of a verbal abuser. Of course, it might just be that if I were a more submissive person (which I'm generally not), he wouldn't have felt such a need to control and be superior to me. If thats the case, then I suppose we just weren't a good match for one another. But even if we weren't a good match and had to take some time to figure that out, I would think we could do so without me being yelled or sworn at; without me being told that if I couldn't do what he wanted, I was a f*#^ing b#^ch and he never wanted to see me again; and without me walking on eggshells for fear of his outbursts.
I can't speak for anyone else here, but I don't think all breakups are the man's fault. But I put most blame for this one on the man because he showed me fairly regularly that he didn't respect me - that was my deal breaker. Now, the rest of the things on my list are just the things I've come up with to make the breakup seem not so horrible. For instance, I never minded him smoking in my apartment, but it sure is nice to not have to smell it anymore.
Sorry for going on and on - I would love to hear your thoughts! :)
ismileimfine...
First...Pianoguy would have trouble "handling the smoking issue" if he ever connected with a lady who needed a cigarette! Basically because the issue is health-related! PG has made several friendships in the past with women who were "single"....but also SMOKED! Definitely a difficult decision (on PG's part) to "drop a pretty woman" because she had a need for nicotine.
I think RESPECT should be shown by both men and women towards each other. Sadly, one half of a couple will often IGNORE respect for a partner. Maybe it's easier for him (or her) to use the 'excuse' that YOU are just complaining because that's a 'personality trait!'
Granted...the explanation is a COP-OUT! But MOST OF US have reacted this way at one time or another!
Once again, it's just my 2 cents...but if 2 people have serious problems when it comes to compromising on any issue...maybe each should ask him (or her)self a few questions?
"Is this flaw important enough to instigate a divorce or trial separation?" "Am I going to be happier ALONE?" "Do I need a partner in order to really feel SECURE?"
Once you arrive at an answer to these...the direction to proceed is (often) a little easier?
Pianoguy
Hi PG. I have a couple questions for you.
1. I'm not sure what you mean by this: "Granted...the explanation is a COP-OUT! But MOST OF US have reacted this way at one time or another!" - what explanation are you referring to?
2. I had thought the point of your first post was that you thought there was a little bit of innaccurate man-bashing going on and you asking those of us posting to assess whether we were being hard on our male ex's. So, my response was letting you know that I thought that sometimes, the man is mostly to blame (sometimes, the woman is mostly to blame), and that sometimes there is no blame, just a bad combination of personalities. Do you disagree with this? Do you think that a bad relationship/breakup could ever be mostly one person's fault (let's take, for example, a situation like mine where a partner is verbally abusive)?
3. It sounded like you were getting to a point about some feminine quality that the posters had that lead their men to do the things they were complaining about. Did you have anything particular in mind? I ask because, like I said in my first response to you, I'd love to hear if there is something I can learn about all this.
Please don't take my questions as snotty - they're not meant to be at all. I'm just not sure I understand your perspective right now.
Warning: This list will be quite long, but I really need to do this. We broke up a month ago..we still talk, he says he still loves me... but he was too "tired" to come and see me on my birthday which was yesturday :o( ... so here goes..
1. For calling me stupid and dumb throughout our whole relationship
2. For making fun of my friends and never making an effort to get to know them..
3. For making me feel inferior to him
4. For making me cry on a weekly basis
5. For never wanting to go anywhere with me
6. For making me feel bad whenever I see my friends, REGARDLESS of the fact that I always invited him only he refused to come
7. For wrongly accusing me of cheating on him
8. For being jealous, possessive and controlling
9. For hacking into my e-mail account
10. For reading my journal
11. For telling ME I am untrustworthy as an excuse to do # 8 and 9 !!!!!!!
12. For refusing to help me clean and do laundry, yet complain that I dont wash the dishes properly or clean well enough
13. For being violent and abusive, such as constantly punching walls, breaking my picture frames, and yelling at me
14. For making me miserable and unhappy
15. For never keeping his promises
16. For being rude and mean with me, yet have the nerve to get MAD at me when I refused to have sex with him
17. For not being able to resolve conflict like an adult
18. For acting like a child and treating me like one
19. For taking me for granted
20. For pushing me away and treating me badly
21. For never showing me any affection
22. For constantly trying to come up with reasons to get into fights
23. For not being man enough to break up with me months ago
24. For breaking up with me yet still expecting me to have sex with him
25. For breaking up with me yet still expecting me to take care of him when he is sick
26. For breaking up with me and getting mad at me for going on a date with someone else
27. For breaking up with me but saying he still loves me as a way to keep me around until someone else comes around
28. For breaking up with me and getting mad at me when I stopped calling
29. For ruininhg the last 2 years of my life
30. And finally, for realizing way too late that I am the best thing thats ever happened to him!!!
1. For breaking up with me and getting back together with me five times in a year and a half.
2. For constantly and very often suggesting and hinting at marriage.
3. For calling me spoiled in front of his friends when he thought I wasn't right there and then blowing it off as if I was over reacting that I was hurt by it.
4. For lying to me just to hang out with his buddies.
5. For blaming me for all our problems.
6. For NEVER having the ability to talk like a human being with me about any issue there were.
7. For running away like a coward and then expecting me not to be bothered or offended by it.
8. For buying condoms in front of me in a store, knowing I was right behind him.
9. For telling me he loved me so much AFTER we broke up and that I was "it."
10. For dating some 21 year old just weeks after a horrible breakup, while living down the street from me and not even TRYING once to at least end it amicably.
11. For being a 25 year old virgin when we met.
12. For getting back together with me, hiding me, and then trying to break it off WHILE drunk at a bar.
13. For calling less than a week after #12 wondering why I didn't call on his birthday.
14. For BREAKING MY HEART.
15. For yelling out loud in a bar, "I hope you cry forever."
16. For thinking clingy is me getting upset if I didn't hear from him in three days or so.
17. For saying that "it is a sign of our doomed relationship" out loud after I lost one earing from a set he had given me.
18. For saying "I will never hurt you, you are so wonderful" when he first said he loved me to my face, and then becoming the worst hurt I have ever experienced.
19. For living down the street from me.
20. For being so immature.
21. FOR BREAKING MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Hello Again, ismileimfine!
Pianoguy will try and answer your 3 questions:
1. My reference was to a partner's ability to listen to the other. There are men and women who are 'automatically programmed' to use the cop-out line: "My B/F or G/F is just upset and he/she always acts this way!" This is easier to utter...instead of taking the time to ACTUALLY LISTEN AND ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM A PARTNER IS HAVING! Hence, my explanation about "the cop-out response!"
2. I think your answer about "male bashing" and the events connected with it WERE PERFECT! It was very fair and objective toward both sexes. But keep in mind there ARE people who can't get through an entire day without at least picking a fight (aka disagreeing) with someone else. And if that type of a person is present in a marriage or some sort of relationship---the other person who is involved will constantly have a problem holding it together and staying passive!
3. It's just PG's 2 cents...but after so many years of performing for restaurants, lounges, as well as for private parties....I've had a chance to watch how couples behave with each other. There ARE women who deliberately go out of their way to insult a spouse or b/f just to get a laugh...or a reaction! . It's almost as if you're trying to "challenge us" by uttering a remark that might reflect anything from our personality to our uncoordinated skills or poor hygiene!
So instead of "harmony" between a couple, you've set yourself up for conflict! MEN will take so much of this...then WE GET ANGRY! Our best course of defense is to 'walk away', but a few of us will tell you "WHERE TO GET OFF!" So if it's a woman's intention to receive 'an unpleasant male reaction' (by way of a catty or unkind remark), I guess she has succeeded?
And believe me....I don't think your questions are "snotty" at all! It's just too bad you don't have an ivillage profile? I'll bet you're a fascinating lady to talk with?
Pianoguy
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