Here's One For Ya...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Here's One For Ya...
3
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 5:21pm

Ok, this may be a little long and complicated, but I DESPERATELY need some other people's opinions about this whole situation.

Ok, I have been with this guy just over 5 years now. Everything has always been on the rocky side but I loved him with all my heart. Ok, well we both have some issues that I thought we were supposed to be working on. The fact that I don't trust him and am always going through my things, and he is a habitual liar.

Well, I have gone thru his things many times (cell phone, e-mail, etc.) and we have always fought about it and even have broken up a few times. Well this last time that he busted me, he gave me this final and last chance to change my ways (of not trusting him and going thru his things). Well, everything was all good for a while, but now I am wondering again. About 2 years ago we broke up for about a month and he started seeing this lady that he worked with. Then we got back together and I thought this lady was history. And she was for a while, but then he started talking to her again saying that I can't stop him from having FRIENDS. So, fine, I knew they were talking, I didn't like it, but I dealt with it.

Then we bought a house together and I thought everything was good. But little did I know it wasn't. He's been constantly talking to this lady. He keeps telling me that she is just a FRIEND and that he doesn't have any attraction towards her. (Which I completely believe he is lying). Also, during our break up he told me all the reasons why he liked her, which all still hold true. Then I was going thru his phone bill and he told me that if he called someone 10 times that month it doesn't mean that there is anything going on, but when you get into 20-30 times then you have the right to think that. Well guess what? There were more than 20 calls to this lady. So, what should I think?

I have been on the verge of leaving so many times. I just can't take this constant nawing feeling in my gut that is telling me to leave him, that I can do better alone. He just keeps telling me that I'm paranoid.

Now, don't get me wrong, when he is home he is usually the sweetest nicest person, just a little sneaky. Then he gets out there and who knows what he does. Also, he keeps all the females numbers in his phone marked "secret" so I cant see them, he keeps passwords on everything, he is constantly deleting calls so I don't see them.

I know he partly does this because i am a snoop, but if you don't got anything to hide, why be secretive?

My questions for you:
1. Does it seem like there is something going on with him and her?
2. Am I crazy to always be checkin up on him?
3. What should I do?

THANK YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 5:42pm

Here's one for YOU. Forget your questions. You don't need someone else to tell you what you already know. Instead, ask YOURSELF some questions.

1. Why don't you believe you deserve someone who wouldn't give a shred of a doubt about his fidelity?

2. Why are you so desperate that you'd settle for being chosEN by this lying cheating disrespectful guy instead if chosING to demand better from your man?

3. After five years and shacking up, why do you stay with a man you can't trust?

My point is, it really doesn't matter what he says. What matters is you are betraying YOURSELF by snuffing out your correct intuition.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 5:48pm

Actually I guess it does look very clear after I write it all down. I probably sound stupid asking for help, but he swears up and down that there is nothing going on. That he just has friends. I want to believe him, but all the evidence points in another direction.

My only other problem is, how do I do it? I don't know how to tell him I want it to be over. i don't want to be mean because he was a good friend before the relationship and I would like him to be a friend afterwards (don't know if that will happen, but u know).

I just can't take it anymore. I am emotionally depressed and just feel tired, used up, and taken advantage of all the time.

Thanks for your clarity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 6:11pm

"I would like him to be a friend afterwards"

Why!? Is dishonesty a quality you look for in friends?

"I probably sound stupid asking for help"

Not at all.

"he swears up and down that there is nothing going on"

You know what? So what if he's right. Doesn't matter. What matters is that a woman he was sexually intimate with is still a part of his life and he's throwing it in your face by continuing time after time to chose to remain "friends" with her knowing it hurts you. He is knowingly hurting you by chosing his friendship with her over his relationship with you. THAT's what's "going on".

"I don't know how to tell him I want it to be over"

Well, it's not going to be easy. The right thing to do rarely is ever the easy thing to do. But do it you must. You must have more self respect than that. If you don't, you can't expect anyone else to. So tell him it's over. Tell him there's no reason to go on denying that you two are wrong for each other. Tell him you CHOSE to be free of him. Tell him you chose to no longer disrespect yourself and betray yourself by staying with someone who doesn't know with out a doubt that you're worth it. Doesn't have to be mean at all, just matter of fact.