Here's what I don't get

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Here's what I don't get
7
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:43am

I broke up with my ex last week - read my other posts for the gory details.

Thing is - I KNOW I am better off without him. I KNOW that there HAS TO BE someone else out there for me, somewhere. I KNOW that I would only be miserable if the ex and I were still together.

So - here is what I don't get: Why do I constantly wonder and worry about what he's doing, or if he's looking for/found someone new? I'm starting my NO CONTACT today after 5 days of being totally unsuccessful and giving in to the urge to call him several times recently for bulls--t reasons (stupid, I know). I know that this is the fastest way to heal, but it is also hard as hell to get through.

I guess maybe I don't want to admit that I'm scared to be alone. He has told me numerous times that I'll 'never find anyone like him' and that I will 'ruin every relationship' I am in. Maybe I'm starting to believe him - that he truly is NOT to blame for any of our problems, and that they are ALL my fault. That scares me, because I don't WANT to feel that way.

Is there any way to get over feeling like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:05pm

Hi northern_lites:


For others, they can find the 'gory' details here:


Why am I so confused?


::

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:06pm

....."So - here is what I don't get: Why do I constantly wonder and worry about what he's doing, or if he's looking for/found someone new?".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:19pm

I will, and already have, admitted that I am 'at fault' for some of the problems in the relationship. He, however, has not. I have been in weekly counseling for nearly 6 months - even prior to our initial break up (which HE instigated by the way).

If I have control issues, some of them are warranted. Without going into detail, his trustworthiness track record isn't the greatest...he has hacked my email account before and would do it again if he had the chance. Maybe I try to keep control (and keep in touch) because I'm afraid of what HE might do if I don't know what he's up to? I don't know. He is someone that - if provoked - could make a living hell out of my life, which I don't need.

And, as I mentioned, the verbal crap he put me through now has me thinking "what if I don't find someone else?" which leads me to the indecisiveness and boundary issues - one of those "he's better than nothing" deals, I guess...Settling for less than what I want/need just to 'have' someone.

Your whole post seems to be riddled with pointing out my faults, which I've pretty much already done myself, instead of offering advice that will help. And, you say I'm ambivalent? What about him? HE is the one who broke up with me, then called 3 weeks later...then suddenly deposits candy on my doorstep after 45 days of no contact? If that's not ambivalent, I don't know what is?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:35pm

Here's the deal:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 1:48pm

I wasn't trying to be a b--ch in that other post. I do appreciate your advice.

I guess I just don't know HOW to get over this. I did SO good last time. I woke up on New Year's Day and said 'today is the day I start my 60 days of no contact'...and I did SO good - 45 days! My friends were all rooting for me, and I was damn proud of myself. I thought I had come SO far...then the candy shows up, I called him to thank him, and everything I had made progress on went flying out the window. I guess maybe I'm just scared I won't be able to do it again...or, if I do - what happens when/if he suddenly calls ME again?

And, I don't know WHY I said I'd call him in 2 weeks. I know that if I do it's only going to make things worse. So, why did I leave it open ended? Since I told him that, I've also told him (on Monday) that he 'may or may not hear from me in 2 weeks'...so, if I'm doing great and decide "I'm not going to call him" - WTF do I do when HE calls me? I feel like since I broke it off with him that I gave him 'false hope' by saying I'd call in 2 weeks. I know it wasn't written in stone, but am I a total bitch if the 2 weeks comes and goes and I DON'T call him???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:14pm

Ok, now I see.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:00pm

Yes, I think that's it - I'm scared that even if I put my heart and soul into this NC thing - it's all going to blow up in my face. Sticking to my guns is hard for me, especially if I think I might be 'hurting' someone else.

I pride myself on being a nice person, which is something he knows about me. Basically, he KNEW that if he put candy on my doorstep, I would eventually call or email to thank him because that is my nature. I always say 'please' and 'thank you'. I give to charities, I hold doors open for old ladies, volunteer at homeless shelters. I am used to putting others' needs before my own, so this whole 'setting up boundaries' thing is new to me. My mom talked to me about this today (she didn't use the same terminology, but...) and asked WHY I ever let him talk to me that way? She pointed out that if ANYONE else talked to me like that, I would put them in their place.

You are right about the 'sticking to my word' thing, too. The first time we broke up, he did the dirty work, even though we both wanted it. When we got back together after that, and things turned sour, we BOTH just stopped all contact. And this time, I broke things off with him, which is something I've never done. Maybe I don't know how to react or behave being the 'dumper' instead of the dumpee? Deep down, I know it was right - but there is/was this part of me nagging saying 'what if you made a mistake'. Which is why I think I said I'd call him in 2 weeks. At first, he was 'wounded' and hurt - which also might be part of why I said I'd call later on, kind of like "I still care". Ever since then, though, he's more and more pissed (and I can fully understand why) and doesn't sound like he gives 2 cents if I ever talk to him again.

It was so much easier during those initial 45 days of NC - I TRULY thought he didn't give a damn about me at all. He didn't attempt to contact me either, so I figured he'd moved on, found someone else, or just decided to let it all go. Then, the candy incident, and I find out that he still cares and (professes to) still loves me. And, knowing that this time, I ended it - I guess it makes me feel guilty/bad because I (may have) hurt him...and I don't like that.