He's Baaaaaaack....HELP!
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 08-14-2004 - 12:50am |
Most of you may remember me from my posts: “Newly Single”, Newly Single ptII” and “Newly Single continued”.
For those of you who have not read those posts, let me just recap my situation really quick.
About a month ago, my Ex, Shane, dumped me. He claimed he couldn’t see me anymore because his family didn’t approve of mixed race couples. I knew his family was prejiduced,but he always said things like: “they’ll get over it and even if they don’t,f*ck em” and “your who I want to be with, you’re my future, they can accept it or get lost.”
He gave me 3 reasons. 1- I was only 19 (while we were broken up I turned 20) 2- I havent even finished highschool (no I didn’t partying was too important, but I am currently finishing up my last year in adult ed to get my diploma) 3- he couldn’t go against his family.
After that it was over. A month before I admitted to him that I had cheated on him.
He acted like he could deal with it and like everything was fine, but I knew he doubted things even more. And in his list of reasons for leaving me, he left out one of the most important things; I had cheated on him.
When he dumped me, I would call his cell phone and leave him nasty voicemails; making fun of is weight, because he is a big guy. He eventually changed his cell #.
Since we met on a chatline and he still had a mailbox on the chatline, I would leave him nasty messages there too. The way the chatline works is, you call, record a ad, and you are assigned a mail box# and password and you can go on and respond to other ads, and even chatlive with people of your choice.
You can also check to see when the last time a certain member was on the chatline by punching in their mailbox number.
That feature has been my best friend through this whole breakup.
This is how the “cheating” happened.
Shane and me had an argument one day (this was in May), I tried calling him later that day, and his cell # had been changed, he later claimed he had changed his cell plan. I assumed he was through with me but didn’t want to bother ending it…..So I left him nasty messages on his chatline mailbox. And he never responded to any of the messages, the mean ones or the nice ones. Then one night I had enough, I went out, got drunk and had sex with another man. Then the week after, I cut off all my hair. I knew Shane loved my hair long, I just figured if he wasn’t gonna look at me, I didn’t want any other men looking at me either.
The day after I cut my hair he called, and we got back together. He told me he didn’t consider us broken up, he was just mad at me and needed space and time.
The fact I slept with another man while he still considered us together was eating away at me, so I admitted it to him.
He tried to deal with it and act like he could handle it, but I knew it was bothering him.
Anyway,
A week before he left me, we had slept together for the first time.
And 3 weeks after he left me, I found out I was pregnant.
I couldn’t call him and tell him because his cell # was changed, and I didn’t dare call his house, because I didn’t want to face his close-minded mother. So left him a message, letting him in on the details on the chatline where we met. I also, wrote him a civil, polite letter, letting him know the situation.
A week later, I was on the chatline, and there was a free trial membership offered to the men on the chatline. After the free time runs out, the men have to pay$$$ to continue to use the service. So I figured I would go on and warn the women about Shane and his mindgames, etc.After my free trail on the mens side ran out, i went back to the womens side to talk to the guys.
While I was on the chatline, I left Shane a message, telling him I had a Dr.’s appointment the following week and asked him if he wanted to come along. Later that night, I got a response from him; he left his new cell number in my chatline mailbox.
I couldn’t call him though because since we broke up, I took the long distance off of my phone.
So I wouldn’t be tempted to call him anymore.
I was just about to reply to his message, when he turned up on the chatline; he was on at the same time as me! I left him amessage to let him know I got his message. He replied by saying we had to talk about some things. He asked me to call him. I replied by telling him that I couldn’t call him because of my long distance and that if he wanted to talk to call me. And he did.
We talked about the pregnancy, childsupport, we even talked a little bit about the relationship.
At one point he said to me: “Do you honestly believe I dumped you because you’re half black half white? I left you because you cheated on me and it was eating away at me.”
I didn’t know what to say.
He agreed to go to the DR’s appointment, and asked me if I needed him to pick me up.
He sounded so cold, so detached.
A few hours later, I faced reality; I couldn’t have this baby.
Shane and I weren’t ever going to be and I couldn’t bring a child into this chaos.
So I left him another message on his chatline mailbox telling him I planned to have an abortion the following Saturday.
The next day, I slept all day, talking to Shane had made me feel strange.
I went to a friend’s house that has long distance, and called him.
He told me he had called me earlier, (because he had gotten my message about the abortion on the chatline)but that he spoke to my mother, who cussed him out for calling because he left me for being half black, she gave him a huge lecture.
I apologized for the nasty things she said and asked him if he could come down so I could be sure there was nothing between us before I did this. He agreed even though he had to be at work 2 hours later.
When he came to pick me up, he was quiet. We drove in silence, he aske dme what I wanted him to say? I said nothing. We continued to drive all the way to the spot by the river where we used to go to talk and make out. We were quiet for a few minutes, and then I started talking and crying. I told him I knew something like this was gonna happen with the kinda luck I have, and I knew we were gonna end. I felt it.
Before I knew it, he was talking and crying too.
He said this to me:” I didn’t dump you because you are half black half white left you because you cheated on me.” I asked him why he couldn’t just say that when he dumped me. He said, “ because if I admitted that I was leaving you because you cheated on me, I would be admitting that I failed you.and I didn’t want to do that”
This is how I interpret what he said: That he couldn’t admit that he was leaving me because I cheated on him because if he admitted that then he would be admitting that he didn’t satisfy me emotionally or physically, and that he had let me down, and wasn’t good enough for me..
Does that make any sense to anyone???
Anyway, back to the other day at the river,
By this time he was crying completely.
These are the things he said:
That he loves me that he would of done anything for me, that he was willing to cut off all ties to his family for me, because I was who he wanted to be with, I was his future. I was all he ever talked about, why couldn’t we just starover? He said, all he wanted was for me to love him, for us to be best friends; he kept asking what he did wrong. He kept asking me what we are going to do about him and me. I told him he made the best descion he could. That there is nothing to do.
He said the more his family went on and on about my race, the more he focused on me cheating on him.
That he said that was the reason because it was the easiest way out of admitting that he was leaving because I cheated on him.he told me that he wanted this baby but he understood my reasoning for me not wanting it right now, and I asked him if he would resent me he said no. He said that he thought if he threw himself into his work, that he would be okay an dhe would save money, get his own place, and then he would come and get me (I live at home with my mom)
I couldn’t stand to see him cry, so I asked him if I could hug him and he nodded, yes. He pulled me close and asked me if I wanted to be with him. Istarted to cry and said I always want to be with him.
He said he didn’t want to be without me he couldn’t be without me.
I told him I wanted to be with him, but that if he even thought he would leave me because of my race again to just end it now. He said that wouldn’t happen. I looked into his eyes and promised him, that never again would I cheat on him. EVER. He said we were going to start over. But, the day we slept together for the first time, we were on the phone, and he had promised me he wouldn’t doubt us anymore and that he was going to remain positive about our relationship and then not even a week later he dumps me.
So I am kind scared he will go back on his promise. He asked me why I was on the mens side of the chatline talking to the women talking aobut him. I said because I was hurt. He told me that a woman messaged him and told him I was talking about him, on the chatelaine, and he told me he said to her:”yeah, she loves me and I love her.” And the woman asked him what he was doing on here? And he said “because he kept hoping that I would come talk to him.” I would message him, but not the kind of messages you can respond too, they were mean and hurtful messages, making fun of him.
I asked him if he thought he was able to start over and he said he was gonna try.
He said he couldn’t wait to spend time with me.
We talked later that night on the phone, and he said he does love me, that he was gonna try to start over, and that he was gonna believe m when I said that I would never cheat on him again. That he didn’t dump me because ei am biracial.
Then last night, I was on the chatline about to delete my ad, and I punched in his mailbox number in the feature where you check to see when a certain member was on, he was on that day!
So when we talked that night, I asked him why he was still on the line, he said it is gonna take time, and that I know he has friends on there, that he talks mostly about me and our relationship on there with the ladies, to get advice. He is mostly friends with women, half of which wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole because eof his weight he is 6ft tall and 310lbs.
I asked him what if he found better than me on there and he said “I doubt it, but I’d let you know and I am not looking anyway.”
Then I asked him if he could promise he wasn’t gonna dump me again because ei cheated on him. And he said he could promise me that but if he even had an inkling that I was cheating on himagain I was history. And he said he could promise that he wouldn’t leave me because ei ma biracial, and that he wouldn’t leave mebecause I am having an abortion. He told me that I knew how much he wanted to have children and he understood why I was doing this, but that he still didn’t think it was right.
I said to him: “Shane a little part of me thinks you really did dump me because I am biracial, I believe you are attracted to me, but that your family pressured you too much, and I totally understand.family pressure.” He didn’t say anything. I dunno if he heard me because I have 2 fans that blow in my room and sometimes it makes it hard for people to hear me on the phone, and when he doesn’t hear me he usually wont say anything he’ll just let me talk.
Or maybe he didn’t know what to say.
I dunno.
His best friend told him that if we both loved eachother we would find a way to make this work. She is Spanish, as a matter of fact; he is friends with mostly black and Spanish people. He wears urban clothing like “Rocawear” and “Seanjhon” he listens to rap, and thinks Eva Mendes is hot, and she is Spanish! He is friends with a black man that he is friends with and he spends time at his house hanging out with him and his wife and kids.He used to date a spanish girl but they broke up because they didnt want the same things, he wants kids, she didnt, and to his family dislikes spanish people and black people equally.
I dunno, if I really left me because I am half-black, or what? I know we both messed up, me for cheating, him for saying what he said about the reason he dumped me (being mixed and his family not approving)
But should I go back to him? Should I give it another shot? I do love him.
PLEASE HELP! I NEEED HONEST, NO HOLDS BARRED ADVICE!
Please read my previous posts to learn more about the situation.
“NEWLY SINGLE”,”NEWLY SINGLE PT II” AND “NEWLY SINGLE CONTINUED”. And let me know what you think. Thanks a lot.
