He's Back!!
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| Wed, 06-21-2006 - 8:25pm |
Well, I have posted lots about my situation on here. Well, we broke up the end of March, had been back & forth a few times- haven't spoken in about a month now & now he's back. He broke up w/me, I have never been so heartbroken in my life, the past few months have been hell, I have been depressed about everything (him, my life, I have no job, etc). I hit the bottom, been going to consuling & the past 2 weeks have been doing great. I have been abiding by the no contact thing because I knew I had to get over him & move on, even though I never loved anyone or had a relationship like this. So, how did he come back??
We live 3hrs away (the distance had part to do w/the breakup making it difficult). I was out w/my friends at dinner & get a text from him "I am in town". My heart dropped, he said where he was & I wanted to go see him. My friends said "NO!!". So, I texted back "I am at XYZ". About 15min later he called. I didn't answer, he kept calling & finally answered saying "What do you want?". He wanted to see me to talk, I told him he will have to come to me.... anyway, his friends drove so he had no car & they didn't want to leave where they were. We talked on the phone a bit, and later on in the evening when they went back to his friends house, he drove 45min over to see me. We talked until the sun came up. He did not try anything physical either. He opened up to me abotu things that I never realized, I feel like we had this "breakthrough". We have been through ALOT together, this is a little bit of our background:
I left my engagment 5weeks before my wedding. I knew I wasn't in love w/my fiance & couldn't marry him, it was sad, but the right thing to do. I started a new relationship with current BF right away. The connection w/my new BF was unbelievable & we started this whirlwind romance. We fell in love quick & moved fast. We lived in differnt states & at the time I had quit my job & wasn't sure where my life was headed next once I cancelled my wedding... So, we talked & then I moved by him. Well, I wasn't happy there, I couldn't find a job, I missed my family & freinds, and reality was starting to hit me about all I was going throuhg the past few months. I loved DBF very much, but I wasn't happy with myself. I became depressed- I became a kinda "physco" GF. He came home & I would cry if he didn't kiss me hello rihgt away, I became clingy etc. I have NEVER been like this in a relationship & I guess it pushed us away a bit. I would tell him he was a bad boyfriend or he didn't do enough... why did I act like this?? I don't know, I was unhappy. It caused friction. We tried to work on it we actually both moved back to the state I was living in so I would be happier, but we broke up. We tried to get back together & he actually stood me up which hurt. His reason?? He said "I knew your family & friends hated me for hurting you so mcuh so I thought you were better off w/out me & I thought if I disappeared it would be easiest" THat hurt me so bad when he did that....
These past few months while going through all these emotions have really made me "know myself". I finally have moved past my broken engagment, I know what I want to do in my career & am working in it, I am happy!! We talked the other night & always blamed him for everything because he broke up with me. When we spoke he said "Wow, I am so impressed by you, I have never seen you like this before. You are so confident & happy, it is so great to see". I knew inside I finally felt it too. He opened up about how is has been having such a hard time in his career. He took a demotion to move and felt like he failed himself in doing so & he is debating whether to stay w/his company because he is not happy & is bored in his job. I knew he was upset about the demotion, but had no idea it affected him this much. Plus he said, evertytime he talked to me I was telling him I wasn't happy & he felt he wasn't fulfilling me.... so, we were totally boucning off each other. Bottom line he siad is that he has never felt this way about anyone & he knows we are perfect together... so we are giving it one more chance. I am so scared he is going to disappear again. We tried in the past to get back together & he did that. But, I feel the talk & time we had together this past weekend was stuff we never brought up before- we had a major communication block I guess...
I love him so much, but he hurt me so much- I am scared to get hurt again... but the moment I met him I said "omg, he is the one I am going to marry". I have never said that about anyone, even my exfiance!! How do I make this work? We are taking it slow for once- baby steps, we jumped WAY to fast in the beginning, we even almost got engaged after a few months. We spent an amazing weekend together & plan on spending next weekend togehter too. How do I make this work?? And do I look like a doormat for taking him back twice after he hurt me??

I hope it works out for you, if only so you don't have to go through more pain. I think that you are taking a huge risk, however, given his past behavior and I don't think that anything he told you comes close to excusing his behavior, but I do understand that you feel you need to try...you won't be able to live with the "what ifs" if you don't.
Is he willing to go to counseling so he can learn that disappearing/pulling away isn't an appropriate way to deal with life's issues?
The best thing you can do is take things slowly but you also need to be prepared to cut your losses as soon as he starts to show signs of backing off again. I would re-read "He's Scared, She's Scared" (I think you said you've read it, correct?) so you can see that coming back and trying again is par for the course and also to get some suggestions on how to take things slowly.
Sheri