he's become a manwhore

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
he's become a manwhore
8
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 2:20pm

i've posted a few times. i'm very distraught. my boyfriend and i had a very ugly breakup. we have been in ZERO contact for 26 days. nothing. zero.

i've recently heard tha the has been a total manwhore this past month. i heard he is saying crass things about women, having sex with a different girl every other day and just being awful. i'm devestated.

he seems fine. doesn't care. we were together for four years. when do men deal with the loss. even if he fell out of love, doesn't he miss me as a friend? we lived together for years. how can he become such a douche! he is 33 years old. i feel so humiliated and disappointed in his behavior. he's just having sex and not caring and i am trying to heal. it hurts and it sucks he is doing fine.

can anyone offer anything to make me feel better? like maybe he is filling a void? i just can't believe i thought this man was deep and loving and now i find out he is a superficial sex maniac. i'm disgusted. how many more days of no contact until he has some sort of revelation. or did i mean nothing?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 2:59pm

  Whoa!  he has a right to his life to be lived his way.  You are broken-up.  That is the fact. 

 "i'm very distraught"

   That is your choice.  Yes emotions are in many ways a choice.  We are not in the US taught how to handle emotional problems.  Ask yourself am I doing less things that I like or more?  

  "he's just having sex and not caring and i am trying to heal. it hurts and it sucks he is doing fine."

   It sucks that you are comparing yourself to him.   If you did not want to date etc that is your choice.  Heal? that too is your responsibility to your self.   Are you enjoying feeling "bad"?  Do you want sympathetic knee jerk responses on how "he" is X?  Or you giving your self a swift kick?  How is your career?  Your retirement account? 

  Break-ups have many different responses.  What is important is to cut your umbilical cord both to the image and the person and the ended relationship.  It is over.  Now if you are interested in dating others then do so if staying at home is a source of sadness then get out and do something.   Go out dancing,find a old or new sport or interest.

  Yes, you have perhaps lost a friend.  But only time will tell.  Many people make the mistake of wallowing in the break-up that it becomes a crutch for a already healed feeling.

   What "he" is doing has nothing to do with you. 

"he is a superficial sex maniac"

   Really?  He is attractive to women and he is sexual but what does that have to do with you? 

   Disgusted?  Hmmm

  Is there something about the relationship and your values/feelings that need airing?

  Humiliated?  Perhaps there is a therapist who can help you become an individual.  He is not you,you are not him.  What he does has NOTHING to do with you!!

   This is all about you!  Let go!

chaika

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 6:11pm

ffechter wrote:
<p>i've posted a few times. i'm very distraught. my boyfriend and i had a very ugly breakup. we have been in ZERO contact for 26 days. nothing. zero.</p><p>i've recently heard tha the has been a total manwhore this past month. i heard he is saying crass things about women, having sex with a different girl every other day and just being awful. i'm devestated.</p><p>he seems fine. doesn't care. we were together for four years. when do men deal with the loss. even if he fell out of love, doesn't he miss me as a friend? we lived together for years. how can he become such a douche! he is 33 years old. i feel so humiliated and disappointed in his behavior. he's just having sex and not caring and i am trying to heal. it hurts and it sucks he is doing fine.</p><p>can anyone offer anything to make me feel better? like maybe he is filling a void? i just can't believe i thought this man was deep and loving and now i find out he is a superficial sex maniac. i'm disgusted. how many more days of no contact until he has some sort of revelation. or did i mean nothing?</p>

the best thing I can offer to help you feel better is to stop allowing whoever recently told you what he was doing from giving you unneeded updates about him.

How do you know that all of this is going on? Your friends are "doing you the favor" of telling on him?  If so, then they are not being friends. They're dancing on the grave of your dead relationship and not allowing you the space you need to heal, not your ex. 

What he wants to do now is up to him--it has nothing to do with you and is no reflection on you or your worth. You're no longer together. He can do as he lists and if sleeping all over town is his way of healing, then as long as he's not dragging you and your esteem through the mud, which he isn't, he is free to do that. It ceased being any concern of yours 26 days ago.  He is in no way obligated to mourn the demise of your relationship the way you want him to or to your time table.

Obviously, he's capable of deep and meaningful love and he's capable of being a superficial sex fiend.  It would appear that his intention is not to get back in contact with you or to avail himself to any self revelations which meet with your approval. That doesn't mean that you mean nothing--it means that you once meant something but as of 26 days ago, that part of his life is over and he's on to living his life.

I suggest you get about the business doing doing the same--living your life and finding healing which does not hinge upon him getting back in contact with you. Also by telling your friends that their reports on what he's been up to are no longer welcome and if they truly call themselves your friend, they will stop with that nonsense.

Besides, what about your new guy? It's not like you don't have any prospects. Now that you see that your ex is on his own trajectory, you might want to quit wasting time and energy pining for him and take a look at enjoying the friendship you've got with the new man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 6:37pm

People deal with breakups in different ways.  A lot of men a) don't want to think too deeply about feelings or b) try to cover their sadness by immediately getting with new women to prove there is nothing wrong with them.  If you are broken up, then what he is doing is really not your business.  I also agreee that it's probably better than you don't even know what you're doing. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 9:57am

this is the initial post and it sheds a lot of light on the backstory of this particular thread:

ffechter wrote:
<p>hello...i really need some help and if anyone can shed some insight...i would be eternally grateful. i am 34 (turning 35 in april) my boyfriend is turning 33 in december. i want marriage and kids. he does not. we have been together for four years. we live in hawaii - we have made choices in our lives...he is a new boat captain, rides motorcycles, free spirit, kiteboarder. i work on sailboats and crew on snorkeling boats. we have a great life - it is incredibly fun. this life has required sacrifices - we have chose to give up financial security so we can live wild and free. this is his hang up about family at the moment - we are not ready and our lifestyle does not enable it easily. but i am still a traditional girl at heart and i want a baby so bad. he has made it very clear that he does not want this. we are on a break now. everyone says...oh just move on, find someone who wants what you want etc. etc. -- people tell me my biological clock is ticking and not to give all my 30s to this man. the flip side is, i love him. i love him with all my heart. now he loves me too - but he loves himself more. i used to personalize this and tell myself that i deserve more and i deserve better. AND I DO. i know that. but i realize that this man is who he is - he always will be. it is not that he DOESN'T love me - this is the best he can love. we tried counseling - it was ok. but then afterwards he wouldn't talk to me for a few days because it was so emotional he was exhausted. in therapy he would cry and profess his love. i know he loves me. we are at this crossroads. i am AFRAID of giving up this life that we have together. there is no one in the world that i have more fun with. there is no one in the world that challenges me like he does. he adds an energy and spark to my life that i really thrive on. he is gorgeous, smart, inspired, passionate, talented, exciting, sweet. i know if i get back together with him that my eyes are wide open - that i agree to give up marriage and kids and security. i can hope he will change, but chances are doubtful. or i could leave him - risk finding a man who wants marriage and kids - but never feel the passion and love that i have right now. or worse, end up alone. i know my choices. i just don't know what i want. i can't decide. i'm so paralyzed and fearful of making the wrong choice. we have been living apart since september and decided we would make a decision by november 15. we both are on month to month leases now so we would get a place together again december 1 if we choose to reconcile. i just don't know which dream to give up. i hate that i have to. i honestly do not know how to decide. please please help! thank you...</p>
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 1:44pm

My ex gf did the same thing. Months later, she admitted it was her way of dealing with the blow of our break up. Basically, she was punishing herself for not be good enough for me. She has returned to a self-respecting position but it took a couple of football teams worth of random guys passing through her bed for her to feel thoroughly punished for her 'crimes' against me during the course of our relationship.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 12:33pm

I'd say what he has been doing for the past month is no reflection on you or your past relationship. Your characterization of his behavior of sleeping with multiple women as being a "douche", is perplexing. Sleeping with someone just for fun is a choice between two adults who can make their own decisions. I am sorry you do not agree with this but I don't think you must resort to name calling on this basis alone.

If he was getting back into another relationship this soon after your breakup, then I might worry that it is way too soon and this other girl was being set up for heartbreak since she would clearly be a rebound. This is not the case though, he is just having fun. Possibly his way of dealing with the breakup.

His actions that do not affect you in any way, should have no affect on your healing. As the others have said, stop getting updates from your friends about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 3:38pm

thanks for all the responses. i guess you are right. it is my own ego and self esteem. i spent four years loving this man and giving him everything i have and more. it hurts to feel that he is over me and has wasted no time sleeping with all these other women. maybe it is none of my business and maybe it is not about me at all - but when you feel that someone you cared for for so long doesn't seem to care or miss you at all, it hurts. that's all. it just hurts and makes me feel small.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 3:16pm

What he's doing is a mindless escape. It's pathetic really. He's getting cheap thrill from fleeting sexual excitement. It's really stupid if you think about the consequences of wreckless sex. The risks of STD the worst of which is HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis. That's how men deal with it, they do something else to distract themselves. It's better if you do it too. But find something safe, not having indiscriminate sex, OK?